Teenage son wants gf 2 stay the night.....

pulliptears

I can speak from experience with this...

DS is 16 (back in February) and for 2 years has been dating a lovely girl the same age who also lives about 25 miles away, difference being they dont see eachother at college etc as they attend different ones. After them being together 12 months or so (before DS and she were 16) we decided it would be ok for GF to stay over as a date meant 3 buses and 2 hours travelling. It was arranged that she could have DD's room and DD sleep on DS's floor on a camp bed (clever idea as DD would be up like a shot if GF appeared).

This worked brilliantly, and they respected the rules. Shortly before they were 16 DS approached me and said he and GF had discussed sex but were unsure. A lot of talking and a few months later they told me they had indeed had sex. To be honest at that point I wasn't going to flip my lid. I had 2 very sensible teenagers who had respected our rules and were open and honest enough to come to me for advice. After that I did agree that they could share a room, however we continued to give GF a camp bed on the floor and it was only an occasional stop over.

I think each situation is individual and needs to be judged on its merits.

System

I'm 23 and my parents still won't let me share a room with my bf let alone a bed.

Could you invite her over to meet her? Have you got a spare bed? Or make your one of your sons sleep on he couch? And how do her rents feel about it?

Chuzzle

Well, here's the update. DS1 kind of understands where I coming from, but being a teenager he doesn't like the fact that mum has said no but he can live with it. Then this morning I hear him on the phone to his dad (DH goes to work @ 5am) asking if he can stay round gf tomorrow night. DH reply was if you can get time off work then yes you can go. I kind of feel a bit of a hipocrite (SP?) that we won't let gf here to stay but will allow DS1 to stay at gf's. We worked out they've been together 8 weeks, although they did split up for a couple of days 3 weeks ago at the gf's decision as she'd been out over the weekend and "got off" with another guy. But realising she loves DS1 she got back with him. I stayed round my bf's house from age of 17 EVERY weekend as we lived 30 odd miles apart and I had a saturday job in the same shop as him so it made sense that I'd drive round his after 6th form on a friday and stay until Monday when we'd drive back to 6th form together. Thinking about it my parents had only met that bf a couple of times and as far as I know never communicated with his parents about this. We were together for a year in total. Although we were 3 months into our relationship before I was invited round to stay.

Having slept on it I can honestly say its not the sex side of things that worries me, its the fact that he's not very mature for a 16 year old (he is mentally and emotionally 4 years behind his piers) I know how he can be drawn into things without thinking things through. I guess I am being over protective as DH can't see a problem at all.

miamoo

pulliptears wrote: »

I can speak from experience with this...

DS is 16 (back in February) and for 2 years has been dating a lovely girl the same age who also lives about 25 miles away, difference being they dont see eachother at college etc as they attend different ones. After them being together 12 months or so (before DS and she were 16) we decided it would be ok for GF to stay over as a date meant 3 buses and 2 hours travelling. It was arranged that she could have DD's room and DD sleep on DS's floor on a camp bed (clever idea as DD would be up like a shot if GF appeared).

This worked brilliantly, and they respected the rules. Shortly before they were 16 DS approached me and said he and GF had discussed sex but were unsure. A lot of talking and a few months later they told me they had indeed had sex. To be honest at that point I wasn't going to flip my lid. I had 2 very sensible teenagers who had respected our rules and were open and honest enough to come to me for advice. After that I did agree that they could share a room, however we continued to give GF a camp bed on the floor and it was only an occasional stop over.

I think each situation is individual and needs to be judged on its merits.

That is exactly what I was trying to say, pretty much exact same scenario, my DS had been dating GF for 2 years also.


To Chuzzle I dont mean this in a horrible way, but you are being a hypocrite, its ok for your 'immature son' to stop with his GF at someone else's house (where you have no idea whats going on) but you dont want them at yours?
Personally I would be the opposite, if you're worried your DS is immature how is sleeping over at his GF's going to help?

maggied_2

My penny's worth.

I think it absolutely fine for you to say your DS's GF can't stay over.

1. It's your house therefore your rules.
2. You don't have to give in because your son has a hissy fit
3. Good opportunity to discuss sex in a loving long term relationship rather than starightaway with someone you've not been with long. Sharing a bed is a 'grown up' thing to do.
4. The argument that they'll be doing at anyway so it might as well be under your roof. Really???? That makes no sense to me. Your son can legally get blind drunk once he's 18 with his friends - does that mean you 'have' to allow him to do that in your house once he's that age because he legally can?
Isn't half the fun of sex that age being inventive

5. Are they both emotionally mature enough to handle the consequences if their contraception fails?
6. For the people who say they're not necessarily going to have sex.....I remember being 16 (wasn't ALL that long ago) and I would say it would be more unusual if they weren't.

I agree with the 'not making it too easy' line of thinking.

If they want to have sex then they will with your consent or not. Obviously. But your son should understand your house = your rules and that respect and extra priviledges are earned, not automatically given.

The other aspect of course is this; they haven't been together very long. Let's say you let her stay over and they split up soon after. Your DS then starts seeing someone else and after a couple of months wants her to stay over - how will you say no then? It's also not a great lesson for your younger child to learn.

Chuzzle

Miamoo - not taken the wrong way at all, I don't think he should stay at his gf's either, unfortunately DS1 asked DH and not me and since I wasn't consulted I can't go back on the decision. I have made it perfectly clear that I don't like the idea but as it was DH decision I cannot undermine that.

miamoo

maggied wrote: »

My penny's worth.

I think it absolutely fine for you to say your DS's GF can't stay over.

1. It's your house therefore your rules.
2. You don't have to give in because your son has a hissy fit
3. Good opportunity to discuss sex in a loving long term relationship rather than starightaway with someone you've not been with long. Sharing a bed is a 'grown up' thing to do.
4. The argument that they'll be doing at anyway so it might as well be under your roof. Really???? That makes no sense to me. Your son can legally get blind drunk once he's 18 with his friends - does that mean you 'have' to allow him to do that in your house once he's that age because he legally can?
Isn't half the fun of sex that age being inventive

5. Are they both emotionally mature enough to handle the consequences if their contraception fails?
6. For the people who say they're not necessarily going to have sex.....I remember being 16 (wasn't ALL that long ago) and I would say it would be more unusual if they weren't.

I agree with the 'not making it too easy' line of thinking.

If they want to have sex then they will with your consent or not. Obviously. But your son should understand your house = your rules and that respect and extra priviledges are earned, not automatically given.

The other aspect of course is this; they haven't been together very long. Let's say you let her stay over and they split up soon after. Your DS then starts seeing someone else and after a couple of months wants her to stay over - how will you say no then? It's also not a great lesson for your younger child to learn.

Maggied your whole post is based on they shouldn't be having sex, no one said they want to have sex, he wants her to stop over! what is wrong with people, there are teenage boys who can sleep under the same roof as a girl without having sex with them!!
The OP has just posted above that she has said no, but DS is going to stay at her house instead so problem solved:rolleyes:

shellsuit

I'd be more worried about the fact that she is allowed to travel and stay in a strange house by herself.

If you'd already met her, I'd say let her stay (on the sofa, definitely not in the same bedroom as your other son!), but as you haven't, then I think meeting her is the first step.

Have you rang her Father to have a word with him yet?


EDIT : Just read the update. I wouldn't have let him go without meeting the girl first. And if you are going to let him go, I'd be speaking to the Dad first to see if he is OK with it. Especially as you say he is immature for his age.

And they've only been together for 8 weeks and have split in that time too? 8 months OK, but 8 weeks?! lol

miamoo

Sorry chuzzle, the sarcastic smiley wasn't aimed at you, I just wanted to add that handling teenagers is impossibly hard, and sometimes people without teens dont realise this. I hope everything goes well for you all.

maggied_2

My penny's worth.

I think it absolutely fine for you to say your DS's GF can't stay over.

1. It's your house therefore your rules.
2. You don't have to give in because your son has a hissy fit
3. Good opportunity to discuss sex in a loving long term relationship rather than starightaway with someone you've not been with long. Sharing a bed is a 'grown up' thing to do.
4. The argument that they'll be doing at anyway so it might as well be under your roof. Really???? That makes no sense to me. Your son can legally get blind drunk once he's 18 with his friends - does that mean you 'have' to allow him to do that in your house once he's that age because he legally can?
Isn't half the fun of sex that age being inventive

5. Are they both emotionally mature enough to handle the consequences if their contraception fails?
6. For the people who say they're not necessarily going to have sex.....I remember being 16 (wasn't ALL that long ago) and I would say it would be more unusual if they weren't.

I agree with the 'not making it too easy' line of thinking.

If they want to have sex then they will with your consent or not. Obviously. But your son should understand your house = your rules and that respect and extra priviledges are earned, not automatically given.

The other aspect of course is this; they haven't been together very long. Let's say you let her stay over and they split up soon after. Your DS then starts seeing someone else and after a couple of months wants her to stay over - how will you say no then? It's also not a great lesson for your younger child to learn.

miamoo wrote: »

Maggied your whole post is based on they shouldn't be having sex, no one said they want to have sex, he wants her to stop over! what is wrong with people, there are teenage boys who can sleep under the same roof as a girl without having sex with them!!
The OP has just posted above that she has said no, but DS is going to stay at her house instead so problem solved:rolleyes:

miamoo wrote: »

Sorry chuzzle, the sarcastic smiley wasn't aimed at you, I just wanted to add that handling teenagers is impossibly hard, and sometimes people without teens dont realise this. I hope everything goes well for you all.

So sorry Miamoo - I've highlighted the parts of my post that were not related to having sex.
A lot of my post was in response to people saying 'they were going to be doing it so why not under your roof'.

I happen to think that sharing your bed is a grown up thing to do whether you have sex or not, and is not an automatic right just because you are at the legal age of consent.

I don't need your sarcastic (and patronising) smilies - in the future I'll ensure I don't post about anything I don't have very precise experience of - I trust you'll do the same.

:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: