Teenage son wants gf 2 stay the night.....

dixie_dean_2

I think the only issue is the other child in the room. It's a definite no for all 3 of them but I'd let her stay aside from that.

rachy86

I didn't have a boyfriend sleep over till I was 21, but that was only because I didnt HAVE a serious boyfriend till then. My brother had a gf sleep over when he was 17 and I was 15, but he would sleep on the sofa or on the floor in the bedroom, they weren't "officialy" allowed to sleep in the same bedroom.

I'd say though that if he's being responsible enough to ask you, then it would be nice if you could have a chat to him and explain the logistics: its not fair on his younger brother to have her sleep in the bed with him as they share a room, and wouldn't be fair on the GF OR younger bro if you son slept on the sofa.

Perhaps you could come to an arrangement whereby she comes over for the evening after college, but you are able to give her a lift home at an appropriate time (if possible)? Although that involves going out of your way, you at least get the chance to meet her that way so they both know that you want to get to know her, jsut logisitally she can't stay over.

Does your younger son ever sleep out over friends or families houses? If so perhaps you could say that next time he does sleep out, then you will consider letting her stay over.

Obviously once they've been together longer, and you know her etc, you may both be comfortable with letting her sleep on the sofa downstairs. one of my friends boyfriends had to do this for a few years and it didn't bother him as he respected her parents.

Tom1234

Kandipandi wrote: »

Mutual respect and compromise do not come into it when a decision has to be made that a child/young adult is not capable of making, and that is in their best interest.
If he had wanted his girlfriend to stop over at the age of 14 - would that be ok with you? Or would you put your foot down?
Would you chat to him about it and try to come to a compromise, what if the next issue was about alcohol or drugs, how do we deal with that - mutual respect and compromise?

It will not do any harm to discuss it with him and explain your reasoning, but when it gets to the argument stage, thats when you can pull rank as the care giver and parent and say No, and if they have any respect for you as the person who only wants the very best for them, they will accept that.
Just my oh so humble opinion as a mother of 4 boys.

Mutual respect and compromise always come into it. This isn't the 60s.

You want your teenagers respect? Then you earn it by discussing issues with them in an adult fashion. You don't turn round and go 'no - because I say so'.

That may get the result you want, however, as in this case, it's resulted in the OPs DS just going and staying at his GFs house where she presumably is treated with a respect a young adult deserves.

I'm not disparaging your efforts to raise 4 boys - however I think like a lot of posters on here you're focusing on the fact that you don't want them staying because you feel they aren't capable of making that desicion regarding sex on their own and want to put barriers in the way.

If he wanted his girlfriend over at 14 it would be a slightly differnt story, as there are legal implications to consider there - and you know it.

In all honesty, I'm very glad my parents took a mature and adult approach and discussed the options and repercussions with me when I was that age, as it's helped me build a strong relationship with them now, even though I wasn't close with either before then. I can now talk comfortably with both of them regarding my relationships and ask their advice. If you take the 'No, because I say so' approach you run the risk of your DS doing like the OPs and just avoiding the subject with you.

When your child is at the stage of their development when they probably need your advice and guidance the most, do you really think pushing them away is the right option to take?

ZarZar1990

Why not make some sort of deal with your son?
Say that she can come over for tea first, to meet you all, and then a few weeks later she can stay the night on the sofa downstairs?
That seems more reasonable than a downright 'no' without giving reason, your son's trying to act like an adult by asking you. xxx

Primrose

I see nothing wrong in her staying with you overnight, but definitely not sharing a bedroom with your son. Speak to her father, explain your views and if he's happy for her to kip down on the sofa in a sleeping bag as the only available suitable sleeping place, I'd have her stay. Offer this as a firm Hobson's choice which goes some way to accommodating him without compromising your principles, especially as he has only known the girl for a couple of months.

loulou123

My mum was incredibly easy going over such things - i'll never forget about a week after getting my 1st proper boyfriend (was 16 at the time) her calmly saying to me as i sat down for breakfast, "i think you'd be better off on the pill, so i'll take you to the doctors!" In fairness that BF never stayed over as we lived literally 1 minute away from one another, but that didnt stop us getting up to things anyway.

Once that relationship was over, i used to regulary go to sleepovers at my friends house (whilst her parents were away) and spend the night in their spare room with my then boyfriend, she knew all about this (although im pretty sure my friends parents didnt!) Boyfriends were always made to feel welcome and my friends all thought my mum was fantastic.

My mums opinion on this was, that she had been a young mum herself and didnt want me to make the same "mistake" so as soon as i started having boyfriends, she told me all about contraception and even brought me some condoms. (she was not condoning me in having sex, but knew that i inevitably would whatever she said, as thats the sort of teenager i was!) She also said that if i was going to do it then she would rather i do it in the safety of my own home, then in a car somewhere or similar.

Maybe my mum and me were lucky, but i never had any mishaps, never got pregnant etc. And as we had such an open relationship i could always go to her with any problems i had, and no she would not judge me.

To the OP i'd say that if your really not happy with the idea, then stand by your guns and say no, but IF it is all about sex then they will find a way anyway. But in my opinion, its important to have an open relationship with your children, so they can come to you if they have any problems and maybe your son will be reluctant to do that if he feels you disapprove?

pulliptears

Tom1234 wrote: »

Mutual respect and compromise always come into it. This isn't the 60s.

You want your teenagers respect? Then you earn it by discussing issues with them in an adult fashion. You don't turn round and go 'no - because I say so'.

That may get the result you want, however, as in this case, it's resulted in the OPs DS just going and staying at his GFs house where she presumably is treated with a respect a young adult deserves.

I'm not disparaging your efforts to raise 4 boys - however I think like a lot of posters on here you're focusing on the fact that you don't want them staying because you feel they aren't capable of making that desicion regarding sex on their own and want to put barriers in the way.

If he wanted his girlfriend over at 14 it would be a slightly differnt story, as there are legal implications to consider there - and you know it.

In all honesty, I'm very glad my parents took a mature and adult approach and discussed the options and repercussions with me when I was that age, as it's helped me build a strong relationship with them now, even though I wasn't close with either before then. I can now talk comfortably with both of them regarding my relationships and ask their advice. If you take the 'No, because I say so' approach you run the risk of your DS doing like the OPs and just avoiding the subject with you.

When your child is at the stage of their development when they probably need your advice and guidance the most, do you really think pushing them away is the right option to take?

:T:T

Exactly the approach I believe in. My DS came to me before he had sex, he will sit and discuss any issues in an adult fashion. If for any reason I have to say no to either of my children it is explained why in a clear, non condescending way and to be honest I find the approach works.

I have 2 very well rounded children who have never been a moments trouble, we can talk about anything and are not shocked by any subject they feel the need to discuss.

I agree that a "No, because I say so" usually leads to a total rebellion because thats how my parents were with me. Made things a whole lot worse and as Tom says ultimately pushed me away to the extent I left home at 17.

Chuzzle

The sex side of things is not my problem, we openly talk about sex as a family - because my parents didn't and I don't want my kids to not be clear about ALL options. I have even accompanied my son to the family planning clinic to get free condoms, I allowed this as he goes to parties and I'm sure there is alcohol available and who knows what might happen after a drink or two so he's always prepared. The problem is the fact I've never met her and how DS is not willing for her to come over just for the day so we can meet a few times before she stays over. As and when she does stay over it will be downstairs on the sofa. I have tried to speak to her father but DS is not handing over his number yet :rolleyes:

Thanks again for all your thoughts and opinions on this one.

Oldernotwiser

cariadtrist wrote: »

I'm so glad someone else said this. I used to visit my boyfriend in Cardiff, by train, 50 miles away, for the day. I bet most of us drive further for a shopping trip. There doesn't seem to be a decent reason why she has to sleep over, or why is has to be a weeknight. Why are the only options those the 16 yr old lad offers?

When I was that age and went out with someone who lived a distance we met in the middle so that we both had a smaller amount of travelling to do.

I also have to say that I'd be very angry if my husband had undermined me in this way!

Oldernotwiser

Doom_and_Gloom wrote: »

I stayed over at my ex's when we were both 15 in his bedroom. We met in the September due to college (I was in my GCSE and he was supposed to be but was doing AS's) and started going out in the October. We went to the same college but we lived around 20 or so miles away from each other. He talked to his mother and asked if I could stay over at the weekend and she said yes. She then asked if I wanted to sleep on the sofa on his his room (with the one bed) as she knew we had talked about everything already. I felt more comfortable sleeping in his room than on their sofa as I didn't feel like I was getting in the way.

My ex and I talked about everything before hand and he waited untill I was ready (he wasn't a virgin and he mother knew that but I was). We used condoms and everything was fine. At the end of the day I'm glad that I was in a safe place as his mother was trusting. She understood that if anything did happen that we had talked about it and that we were going to be careful. He's a really well rounded person as he was able to talk to his mother about it all. Their house also wasn't very big but he didn't share a bedroom with anyone either so that wasn't an issue to be honest.

I don't think that parents condoning underage sex is an awfully clever idea, I'm afraid!