Teenage son wants gf 2 stay the night.....

Silverbird

Chuzzle wrote: »

And his reply is that we'll never meet her then cos she's not just going to come 30 odd mile for the day. My reply was TOUGH! and he stormed off.

My now-husband used to travel this far to visit me for just a couple of hours and then back home the same distance again. I sometimes did the same by train and it would take me about 2 hours in total to get to his and then another 2 hours back home, but you do it because you're in love and you want to see this person who has made you so happy.

You're not being unreasonable at all and you're not saying she can never stay, simply that you're uncomfortable with the fact you've never even met her. You're not stopping that meeting - they are. 30 miles for a day is nothing. If they really want this to happen then they'll have to arrange for her to come and visit a few times before you feel ready to even consider the idea. It's their problem, not yours.

Rikki

maggied wrote: »

The other aspect of course is this; they haven't been together very long. Let's say you let her stay over and they split up soon after. Your DS then starts seeing someone else and after a couple of months wants her to stay over - how will you say no then? It's also not a great lesson for your younger child to learn.

This came to my mind too.

What if you end up with him changing girlfriend frequently and him asking for each one of them to stay over. Difficult to say no once you've allowed it once.

cariadtrist

Silverbird wrote: »

You're not stopping that meeting - they are. 30 miles for a day is nothing. If they really want this to happen then they'll have to arrange for her to come and visit a few times before you feel ready to even consider the idea. It's their problem, not yours.

I'm so glad someone else said this. I used to visit my boyfriend in Cardiff, by train, 50 miles away, for the day. I bet most of us drive further for a shopping trip. There doesn't seem to be a decent reason why she has to sleep over, or why is has to be a weeknight. Why are the only options those the 16 yr old lad offers?

generaloneill

Chuzzle wrote: »

;)Ok, DS1 turned 16 in August this year. He started college in September and has met a girl who is now his girlfriend. She lives about 30 odd miles away from us, they only see each other at college or if they meet up in the City at weekends. He has now asked us if she can come and stay the night next Thursday. I've not as yet met the girl and I feel a bit uncomfortable that our first meeting is with her staying the night. Also our house is very small and DS1 shares his bedroom with DS2 (who's 11) so its also a case of where to put her. DS1 cannot see a problem with her sleeping in his room :eek: he also cannot see where I'm coming from with being uncomfortable about it. I've tried explaining but it sounds silly even to me! How do I deal with this situation? I've asked how her parents are with this and apparently she live with her dad and he's fine about it. I'm sure she's a lovely girl but at the back of my mind is how I was at that age when I used to sleep over my bf in the same bedroom but in different beds....

Am I being too strict about this?

Be prepared to change the sheets in the morning, ewwww.

Chuzzle

generaloneill wrote: »

Be prepared to change the sheets in the morning, ewwww.

:eek::eek::eek:




Thanks for all your input on this, it has been very very helpful.

miamoo

Maggied the smilie wasn't aimed at you either. It was at the comment earlier in the thread, sorry.

Doom_and_Gloom

I stayed over at my ex's when we were both 15 in his bedroom. We met in the September due to college (I was in my GCSE and he was supposed to be but was doing AS's) and started going out in the October. We went to the same college but we lived around 20 or so miles away from each other. He talked to his mother and asked if I could stay over at the weekend and she said yes. She then asked if I wanted to sleep on the sofa or in his room (with the one bed) as she knew we had talked about everything already. I felt more comfortable sleeping in his room than on their sofa as I didn't feel like I was getting in the way.

My ex and I talked about everything before hand and he waited untill I was ready (he wasn't a virgin and he mother knew that but I was). We used condoms and everything was fine. At the end of the day I'm glad that I was in a safe place as his mother was trusting. She understood that if anything did happen that we had talked about it and that we were going to be careful. He's a really well rounded person as he was able to talk to his mother about it all. Their house also wasn't very big but he didn't share a bedroom with anyone either so that wasn't an issue to be honest. Things didn't work between us but we are still friends and I haven't exactly slept around due to the lax attitude (have had sex with 3 guys).

You could let her sleep on the sofa so you can meet her as it's not exactly fair for her to travel all that way and have to work out how to get back at a decent hour. 30 miles can take a long time on public transport if she can't get a lift.

By the way it doesn't always end bad for a 16 year old. I started going out with my fiance when I was 16 (him 19) and in January we'll be together for 4 years . We don't have a child yet either as we've always been careful.

ChrisCobra

Chuzzle wrote: »

;)Ok, DS1 turned 16 in August this year. He started college in September and has met a girl who is now his girlfriend. She lives about 30 odd miles away from us, they only see each other at college or if they meet up in the City at weekends. He has now asked us if she can come and stay the night next Thursday. I've not as yet met the girl and I feel a bit uncomfortable that our first meeting is with her staying the night. Also our house is very small and DS1 shares his bedroom with DS2 (who's 11) so its also a case of where to put her. DS1 cannot see a problem with her sleeping in his room :eek: he also cannot see where I'm coming from with being uncomfortable about it. I've tried explaining but it sounds silly even to me! How do I deal with this situation? I've asked how her parents are with this and apparently she live with her dad and he's fine about it. I'm sure she's a lovely girl but at the back of my mind is how I was at that age when I used to sleep over my bf in the same bedroom but in different beds....

Am I being too strict about this?

Yea im sure shes a lovely girl........

I'd say no rofl. Especially as you havent met her yet.

Kandipandi

[QUOTE=nickyhutch;26970035
A great basis for a parent/young adult relationship - "I say, so you do" :rolleyes: This is a young man, not a 4 year old. Mutual respect and compromise go a long way.[/QUOTE]

Mutual respect and compromise do not come into it when a decision has to be made that a child/young adult is not capable of making, and that is in their best interest.
If he had wanted his girlfriend to stop over at the age of 14 - would that be ok with you? Or would you put your foot down?
Would you chat to him about it and try to come to a compromise, what if the next issue was about alcohol or drugs, how do we deal with that - mutual respect and compromise?

It will not do any harm to discuss it with him and explain your reasoning, but when it gets to the argument stage, thats when you can pull rank as the care giver and parent and say No, and if they have any respect for you as the person who only wants the very best for them, they will accept that.
Just my oh so humble opinion as a mother of 4 boys.

fantasia322

Dave101t wrote: »

im only 27 and wouldnt consider it. a simple no will avoid any further discussion.

A bit unfair, with kids things have to be up for discussion no matter how parents feel about the issue. The ultimate answer may well be an outright 'NO', but they do have a right to an explanation for the 'NO', ans without discussion you cannot give the reasons why. Just because a person is young or a child, they still have a right to have their point heard.