All of the effort, all of the time

luxor4t

tandraig wrote: »

luxor - i didnt have the money for a service wash!!! when you are kept short of housekeeping - its even harder! i can remember doing 5 washes some days! as work clothes cant go in with normal clothes and wouldnt even consider putting his rugby clothes in with normal wash!!! they stank of mud and liniment!!![/QUOTE


Oh dear, snap again!

3 under 5s, a clean shirt-a day (sometimes 2 shirts a day) husband & the rugby kit ...I've dried it in the oven before now in bad weather

Re the service wash: once in a very blue moon, I assure you!

tandraig

so luxor - do you want to end up like me? think hard hun - the longer you are there the harder it gets to leave.
you want my life - then stay where you are!
times have changed hun - you dont have to put up with it!

Jo_R_2

Whew Roxie - I think you *must* be superwoman!

I think I've said before we're in similar positions within the family, although I don't have the freelance work - I was doing a part-time course which I've had to postpone so I don't know how you do it!

Did your DH live at home right before you lived together? I ask because mine did and he initially I think expected the same 'standard' of housekeeping as his mum who had all her time to dedicate to it when I was working full-time as a then-single mum with two kids under 5:rolleyes: Roll on a little while and I think he has some understanding of what it's like - safe to say the only day so far he's spent most of the day just him looking after baby when I went on my sister's hen do gave him a massive insight into what it's like, I highly recommend it!

I really think the best way to make someone see is to graciously hand over charge somehow - I always think it's far too easy to stand there from the sidelines as it were and pass comment. The thing is, he may well be the main earner but in a family such as yours there are many dynamics at work and yes, the monetary aspect is important but it certainly doesn't give him the right to treat you like his skivvy. Is he aware of his behaviour and how he comes across?

That "it's not my job" business is just childish tbh - he should be there to support you, not standing there watching you struggling That's just crazy Here we work it like I have domestic rule during the day:eek: then anything after OH comes home is anyone's business Certainly I've rolled out the oldie but goodie line many times about I hope he doesn't think that I work 24/7 when he finishes at 5 has made some impact on him

But seriously I have spoken to my OH about his expectations of what gets done during the day and what is realistic;) You somehow need to find a time to be able to discuss calmly and rationally, and succinctly and to the point explain that his behaviour towards you is unacceptable. I know you don't like confrontations (me neither) so what I do is pick a quiet time and steer the conversation around to the subject.

Do please do something because it can't carry on as is x

princess

Hi Roxie - this may not be what you want to hear, but I think you love the wrong person. His behaviour is not acceptable, not even nearly acceptable. Maybe you love him cos you remember how he used to be and you hope he can start behaving like that again......and I hope he can, but I'm not holding my breath. If hes not prepared to listen to you at all, if he knows youre ill and doesnt care, if he sits on his !!!! all night playing computer games and listens to you work yourself to ill health - these are all very bad signs!!

Lots of people on the thread have said their husbands are also as lazy and useless as your H, well I would say dont listen to them! Just because they put up with being treated like the proverbial, you dont have to. Let me redress the balance:

My DH works full time as a paramedic which I would say is a busy and stressful job. I work part time and try to do most of the household stuff but loads of the jobs still fall to him. He does all the garden, all the decorating, he does all the bins, he does half if not more of driving son to clubs etc, he cooks on his days off, does his own packed lunches, launders all his own work clothes, cleans out the pets, remembers his own familys birthdays and buys them presents wraps and sends them off etc etc etc. And he is not a superhero!!! This is normal stuff that most wives expect their husbands too do. I will also say that I have never, in16 years, been frightened of him, and I am really worried that you say that you are frightened of your H.

I know there can be nothing harder than thinking of leaving him with 3 young children, but is there no way that you can tell him that you are considering it? To make him realise how bad your situation has got. Could you go to your parents for a few days? Or tell him that you are at breaking point and you are going away for a few days and go to a Travelodge (over a weekend maybe and without the children for maximum impact!) The thing is I think you are not getting him to listen to you and for your own piece of mind you probably need to make a real effort to make him see how bad things are for you, if only so you can eventually boot him out with a clear consience!

I dont think youve got much to lose to be honest, as things stand at the moment you would IMO be better off without him, so he needs to change or hes gone. And I know you love him!! But that has nothing to do with anything. Loving someone should make you happy, not sad. If you love someone who makes your life worse, who frightens you, who doesnt listen to you and refuses to change, then you need to train yourself to stop loving him.

Lunar_Eclipse

princess wrote: »

Loving someone should make you happy, not sad. If you love someone who makes your life worse, who frightens you, who doesnt listen to you and refuses to change, then you need to train yourself to stop loving him.

Completely agree with you Princess.

Roxie I do hope you manage to make some changes to the status quo, as hard as it might be. If you don't want to tackle it all in one go, perhaps you could start by arranging a day off this or next weekend without the kids and see how he gets on. Or make it a working day (could you do this at the library?) so that he steps up to running the home for a (whole) day. That might be a good first step into a conversation about redistribution of work.

Steel_2

RoxieW wrote: »

The GP has diagnosed me and wants me to go on meds but I dont want to. Have been before and found it difficult to get off them.

Please reconsider this Roxie. The meds will help. At the moment you are barely keeping your emotional nose above water and meds will help you get back to a place where you feel a sense of normality. In your current PND state, tackling the problem with hubby in addition to everything you do is like bicycling up a hill through treacle.

Coming off the meds is another battle for another day - you can cross that bridge when you come to it many, many months into the future.

Can I ask, is your desire to not take meds also because you feel you should be able to cope with everything without them? I have a friend who felt this way - she had one child and felt that there were many mothers out there who coped with more children and more work than her. In her mind she felt she didn't 'deserve' the meds. But I pointed out a) she didn't know how these women were coping - appearances can be deceiving and b) they may not have had PND and she did.

MrsTinks

DKLS wrote: »

Really? I always thought we sang from the same hymm sheet

Silly me Of course we do But that is the beauty of it is it not? You don't have to agree with someone on ALL points - or infact any bar one occasionally

julliff

Hi RoxieW

I have been thinking about you, and your situation.

Obviously, I don't know all of your circumstances, but your posts did ring alarm bells with me.

I hope I am wrong, but your husband sounds a bit like mine - and if that is the case, it will not make any difference if you earn more or less than him, as he will just move the goalposts, so that he can continue to do as he likes. Sorry if I am way off the mark here.

The fact that you are scared of the confrontation tells me that he has got you exactly where he wants you.

Please read

http://www.rickross.com/reference/brainwashing/brainwashing11.html

to see if your husband is this kind of manupulator.

I hope you don't mind me posting, but I would hate for anyone to finish up where I am now.

roses

Have you thought about making a list of all the things you do for the family/house then asking him to do the same? Maybe that will help him see all the effort you put in.

Wickedkitten

People who don't clean, don't get to have cleaning standards.