All of the effort, all of the time

katglasgow

I ahve 2 young kids and feel my house is permanently a mess. My DH reguarly sticks his foot in it and I find it difficult to get him to appreciate how ragged I feel when I have been "at home" all day. However, he does like to find solutions to my problems. He has fit up a retracable airer for me in the alcove on our kitchen and I use this to dry clothes in the winter, I hate having clothes airers all over the house. If you dont have room for a sperate tumble dryer, why not ditch your existing washer for a combined machine? Getting a sensible solution to all your laundry might make you feel a whole lot better, and you could show DH how it works too!

Wickedkitten

Combos really aren't that great at all. You often end up having to either do more loads because they can only dry things properly if there isn't much in the machine.

DKLS

Ruby_Moon wrote: »

You don't need a dryer with 3 kids. It might make things easier but its more expensive than using other ways.
I got rid of my dryer years ago to save money, and its amazing how much the electric bill has gone down and also how much longer clothes last. They seemed to wear out/shrink more with a dryer and clothes would need replacing.
I would never have one given again.

You dont need one, but unless you want a house looking like a chinese laundry especially in winter they are a must.

There is only myself and the fianc!e, but we have always had a dryer, and a full load costs a whopping 16p in electric.
Hence its in use all year round, even on a hot sunny day

Morglin

RoxieW wrote: »

Hi guys its me again. I'm reluctant to post as I've had a few comments before about being 'woe is me' etc but this forum is the only 'support network' I have - sad but true - and I feel the need to talk to someone

Trouble with my OH again Does anyone else feel that they make all the effort in the relationship, all of the time. I feel like that at the minute and I'm shattered and really starting to question my marriage. Things are getting on top of me again as I am very busy lately (should be working right now but cant concentrate) and feel i get no support or appreciation
. In brief, 3 kids (1 a baby), freelance work that is very busy at the moment which I am trying to do while baby naps and on evening, gym 3 times a week, xmas to sort, the house to look after etc etc. Last week I was told that OH wasnt happy with the way I was running the house. According to him it is a S hole and I 'sit on my a**e all day'. I was so upset and frustrated by this as its far from the truth - I run myself ragged all day doing everything for the family . The house isnt a S hole - there was just a bit of mess, some recycling to go out and a backlog of washing because we dont have a dryer and it had been raining - I can only get so much dried on airers and with everyones clothes, gym kits, club uniforms, school uniforms, baby clothes, kids wetting bed etc it is just too much (I also wash the bibs for OHs football team grrrr). I ask him to help and I get 'thats not my job'. I'm so frustrated with him that I could cry. I feel like he wants to push me over the edge - like he wont be happy until I have a nervous breakdown.
Anyway I didnt speak to him after his comments as i was waiting for an apology but didnt get one. When I try to have it out to break the horrible atmosphere in the house I get ignored, told to shut up, told I'm irrational, go away etc etc. In the end I just left it, didnt get my apology. Since then he's done nothing but play on his computer game. i feel like he barely speaks to me. He certainly doesnt initiate doing anything with me or the kids. He's so miserable, grumpy, snappy - I feel I'm on eggshells. I told the kids we would take them swimming as they had good reports on parents evening - I can tell he doesnt want to go. I told him that I wanted to book to take them to see peterpan and do a workshop before hand, he says he's going to watch a football match that day (also going to dublin with the lads a couple of days before). Everything is like pulling teeth - like he'd rather not be a part of family life. He spouts all this stuff at parents evening - the boys should be doing x y and z - yet I'm yet to see him get one of their homework books and do something with them - oh no, of course - thats not his job, its mine. If I hear that phrase one more time I'll scream. Everything is my job and I'm seriously exhausted trying to keep all the balls up in the air and not put a foot wrong so that I dont get shouted at or ignored by him.
I just want things to be better between us - my instinct is to be nice to him - to run him a bath tonight, get a takeaway, watch a movie - but I'm getting abit sick of it always being me that makes the effort to make things right between us. On the other hand I want to scream at him buti dont have th eenergy.
Please help.

Get a dryer and any other time saving appliance you can think of (I can't think how anyone manages without a dryer to be honest!), and then accept that he is doing what men do.:rolleyes:

The ones that get stuck in are in a tiny minority and even if they do anything they stand there waiting for a round of applause for helping *you* out.........:rolleyes:

However, if he's shouting at you or ignoring you, then he's being a child, so you need to work out if you really want to be with a petulant child.

Lin

RoxieW

Hi everyone
Thank you so much for your replies. I'm feeling much more positive today then last week. I'm so grateful that I have you lot to indulge me and advise me as without you I would have noone so I'm sorry if I am a pain with my problems but you all are such a big help and support - you cant under estimate how much so.
Well OH got home friday and wouldnt leave me alone. He knew something was seriously up because it was like I've got to the stage where I cant even be bothered to argue about it because I know nothing will change. Anyway he perservered but I really couldnt put my finger on it - he wanted specifics but thats difficult because I know he will just argue the toss over every point I make. But basically the upshot of the convo was that he needs to make more of an effort and play more of a willing role in family life - I shouldnt feel like I am constantly arm twisting. A perfect example of why I am scared of him is that he pushed to have the conversation but while I was talking kept saying things like 'I'm trying really hard not to get angry - just so you know'. Like he wants a medal but i pointed out to him that saying things like that seems threatening and puts me on edge/makes me nervous about what I am going to say. Thats how I feel around him generally - the threat of him blowing up is always there and it feels like walking one eggshells.

Anyway he has put an airer rack in the airing cupboard and took some laudry to the laundrette. But then he forgot to pick it up and said I'd have to get it - a huge heavy holdall that he expects me to manage whilst pushing the buggy - seriously I couldnt even lift the bag never mind carry it home. This was a perfect example as when i say I cant he acts as if I'm being ridiculous and lazy - like I'm trying to get out of something when really its not in my interests to do so - believe me if i could manage the bag I would have taken it to the laundrette myself ages ago! This is typical him - he will say things that make me feel like a failure - like i'm not doing enough. Like when during our 'discussion' I point out that I feel overwhelmed with my load and his comment is that the baby isnt as much trouble as when he was newborn and that he'll 'just play'. Its like he's constantly trying to dismiss what I am telling im. I cry out for help and he says 'but its not that bad is it' instead of being sympathetic or offering help. it's sooo frustrating.
I pointed out that I wasnt superwoman and that physically I couldnt manage the bag. I got a grumpy 'fine' and alot of eye rolling. So it was abit like two steps forwards one step back.
Aside from that I think some of my comments about making effort with me and the kids have hit home as we have had a lovely weekend. We took the boys swimming which OH doesnt like but he didnt complain and we had a lovely time. He's also been making more of an effort with me but for how long?
I know I'd be living in a dreamworld if I expected him to be mr super helpful and I dont expect it. I know the man I married (and yes he had had everything done by his mum before I came along) and i know that I cant expect a personality change. I'm happy that he goes to work and works hard to provide me and the boys with everything we want. I dont mind doing the housework when I can but I wont put up with snide comments and put downs if I havent had chance or its not done to his liking. Thats just taking the mick. He really needs to learn that I can only do so much in a day and I need to learn to say no, leave things and ignore him when he adds to the pressure I'm under.
I guess I just dont know what the answer is right now - I'll see how the week goes. But I need to be more assertive and less sensitive to pressure and feeling like a failure.
I'm finding that making lists are helping me feel more in control. They are also right under his nose too.

On a positive note i was reflecting on my goals list for this year and I have achieved them all. Professionally I have achieved alot and personally I have lost alot of weight and am sticking to my gym routine so I am proud of myself and gave myself a pat on the back.
This is the thing - I could ditch my work or the gym and have far more time and feel far less pressure but these are the sources of my personal fulfillment and pride so I'm loathe to let anything go. I suppose the housework is the thing that goes. . that probably is the root of it actually - he's used to me having alot of time to dedicate to the house and running of it but the dynamics have slightly changed and I am having to split my time in other ways which leaves less of a slice to be a stepford wife, yet he is still expecting the same standards as before?? Phew - I think i got there in the end - sorry for the huge long waffle!

Brighton_belle

Roxie, you are so not a pain with your problems. These are real issues and you feel undermined rather than cherished by your OH and that is very demoralising. Well done on having those conversations and reflecting back how intimidating he is when he make you feel under threat.

Is there any mileage in the idea that the money you make on your business(well done on its sucess:T) you spend on domestic help? That way, you are not costing the family budget more, are getting the fulfillment and not spreading yourself so thin?

Great article link by Juliffe by the way - may ring a few bells in some areas and help you wise up to some of his manipulative behaviour so he is less sucessful in leaving you feel inadequate and the one at fault all the time.

belfastgirl23

I guess I just dont know what the answer is right now - I'll see how the week goes. But I need to be more assertive and less sensitive to pressure and feeling like a failure.
I'm finding that making lists are helping me feel more in control. They are also right under his nose too.

I think you've hit the nail on the head here. You can't change him but you can change your reactions. I really do think some of this is in your head, in the sense that you are perceiving things perhaps as more personal than they are. I also think that you might be projecting on your DH things that you are thinking about yourself (which could be part of the depression). So if he says 'the house is a mess' you take it as a direct and personal criticism whereas maybe it is simply a statement of fact. Agreeing often defuses the situation - yes maybe we should try to give it a once over when the kids are in bed. Instead of which if you go into defensive mode, then he ends up in the position of being an attacker. Similarly if he asks you to pick up the laundry, simply saying, sorry, wish I could but the bag's too heavy to carry with the pushchair - and not getting into any other discussions about it. It's a statement of fact, not an emotional issue. I do sometimes think this is where men are particularly clueless - not realising that women DO take some of these things personally.

Glad you're feeling better now!

instaunt

RoxieW wrote: »

I ask him to help and I get 'thats not my job'.

Separate. Bad other half, bad role model for kids.

Everything becomes "his job" if you're not around to do it - only a mummys boy who never left the nest before marrying believes that he should have no part in cleaning, vacing or laundry.

A few months of being on his own and he'll either learn to love living in his own filth or have learned to share the work load.

My wife doesn't work, we only have one kid and I work full time - I still sort the dishes, clean up, vac and rub her feet ever so often during the week ... but then again ... I'm superhusband ...