All of the effort, all of the time

belfastgirl23

This is tough because it seems to me there are a series of inter-related problems. yes your OH isn't being particularly supportive in one way but I think perhaps you're at a point where you are struggling to identify the good things about him. I kind of think you're ending up focusing on the negative rather than seeing the positive in the situation. I know this is probably partly to do with the PND as well but if you don't want to take tablets to deal with this then maybe positive thinking is the way forward? This sounds a bit naff I know but my experience with men is that they respond very well to positive reinforcement so praise him endlessly for the things he does do. And yes I have a big feminist voice yelling in my mind 'BUT THEY'RE HIS JOBS WHY SHOULD I SAY THANKS' all I can say is that carrots can work equally well to sticks and if the outcome is what you want, particularly if you can't face arguments, this is another possible way to do it.

I also remember from your previous posts that you are feeling a bit overwhelmed generally with housework. In a situation where you are both feeling ground down (and who wouldn't be with jobs and babies and all the rest of it) it's very easy to start blaming each other rather than pulling together. I think I said it before but I do really strongly think you should start outsourcing even some of the work of the household. Do service washes at the laundrette and get the washing back clean and folded, especially in wet weather. Get a cleaner to come in. don't put all that pressure on yourself and on your OH.

I do also worry that in focusing on what it is about him that needs to change, you aren't looking at yourself. And I'm saying this gently because I don't think it's that you are an awful person, rather that you have very high expectations of yourself and perhaps you need to let some of them go a bit. You can't do everything and it looks like you can't expect your OH to pick up on as much as you would like, so you need to start looking around for other places where there might be 'give' and no matter how much you don't like leaving the place unhoovered then you need to let it go. When I say about changing yourself, I mean really cutting yourself some slack and lowering some of your standards, not forever but for a little while till the kids are big enough to help.

good luck!

PS on the scared thing, I'm presuming that you are scared of conflict. I recognise this only too well being much the same myself If you are physically scared that's a different matter and you should ignore what I've said above. I'm basing my advice on what you've said before which is that basically your OH is a decent husband but just that things are really tough at the minute.

WestonDave

So let me get this straight, you have PND, are bringing up 3 kids, managing a home, getting fit, running a business and trying to improve family life (entertainments etc). Its no wonder you are feeling a bit run down - never mind leaving you feeling worthless, your OH should be petitioning the Pope for you to be admitted as a saint!

I will say that having been there (both PND and PN arthritis with different kids) it is hard to live with someone with PND who is struggling, and it is very tempting when they can't do things to feel a bit frustrated that more isn't getting done. However you seem actually to be doing pretty well on the getting stuff done stakes - beleive me he could have things a lot worse!

However what I do know as well is that you will be in a very different condition given the right recovery time. If you are doing all that now, the danger for him is that when you are back on top form, you will be a real superstar and he will be neither needed nor wanted by you. Family life isn't about who can do the least - the more you both do, the more the "team" acheives. You probably shouldn't have to use backhand tactics but maybe making it sound more like if he does stuff you can all get further he might respond, rather than making it sound like you just want an easy life.

I know you say if you write things down he won't read it - fine but do it for yourself. That way when at the end of the day you are feeling a bit under valued, you can look at the list and think "Yes I did all that - I'm actually pretty good". Your self confidence needs a bit of help right now so no harm in using a few tricks to fool it!

Beyond that I would simply suggest you raid the fridge/shop/bar for a bit of whatever your weakness is, and find a short breathing space to enjoy it, and tell yourself you are better than this! Your life will get better - whether your OH's does is up to him.

totallybonkers

To be honest I think with you also having PND you are doing amazingly well do be doing the amount that you are! This 'husband' of yours needs a serious kick up the backside. I know you'll know the idea but I think you should go out for the afternoon one weekend, leave everything, including the kids, to him. He'll come with with 'I've got football' etc, but tell him so have you, you've made and paid for something to do so it can't be cancelled. See how he copes then. Biggest hugs to you xx

Spendless

On a practical level of getting some support what about Homestart?http://www.home-start.org.uk/needsupport/need_support

Pee

You shouldn't be scared of him.

Are you sure there is no way you could have a dryer? Not even if you could build a shelf on top of the washing machine for it? I say this as I struggle to dry stuff for me and my boyfriend, let alone for a growing family.

Do you think you are trying to do too much with work? Does he want to be ran round after by a SAHM and you don't want to get into that position? It seems to me that if that is what he wants, and not what you want, that isn't really wrong of him - just difficult for you to compromise as yu want different things, but it might mean you should be looking at a cleaner. If your freelance work wouldn't cover the cost of a cleaner, I think you need to be honest with yourself as to whether this is work or a hobby - and maybe you need to consider putting it on hold.

Is ruling out medication the right thing for you?

Apart from these points which I make as I am trying to help - I hate to see a couple split up with young children as it seems to me part of the reason for having children is to have the child of the man that you choose so for you to even be thinking about splitting up is a pretty awful destruction of a dream.

You could split up and you would survive.

Is Relate an option?

It does sound like you are doing everything and he isn't helping and it sounds to me like you are managing very well - my place is more of a mess than yours and that is without anywhere near the excuses or reasons that you have.

It really is a shame you couldn't send him to live with me for a week - he'd come back really appreciative of what you do.

Chuzzle

OMG - reading all the OP entries its like I've written it all myself. I so know what you are going through, except my kids are 16 & 11 and as bad as their father for helping around the home. Me & DH have been married now for 14 years. How long have you 2 been married/together? I've not been to the docs to see if I have depression but I do think I have a mild form of it. I work full time and find I am a completely different person at work to the one at home....In fact on the walk home I dread the evening/weekend ahead. DH will do the washing up occasionally - usually when I've left it for days on end and we have no clean cutlery/plates/cups etc and even then he doesn't do it all, he'll always leave the pots and pans for me :mad: AND he has the cheek to moan at me if I leave the pots and pans! I only usually leave them if the drainer is full I do them as soon as I've dried and cleared the drainer. I also get moaned at by him and the boys whenever they can't find any paperwork - the dining tabe is a dumping ground for this and the other day one of the boys couldn't find an important school document and DH commented something about its the same as everything else nothing gets put away in this s-hole! The house is in desperate need of redecoration/renovation but it doesn't get done cos he's too tired after work and weekends he spends on the allotment. I too hate confruntation so don't actually say anything and usually end up washing up/hoovering whatever in tears.... doesn't cure anything but briefly makes me feel better.

Sorry OP I can't be of more help, just wanted you to know you're not on your own in this boat....I'm there as well.:o

kate1976

You sound exactly like my friend last year, she also had 3 kids (1 a baby) PND and her hubby was exactly like you say yours is roll on a year and she's going through a divorce as he told her he wouldn't change and if she didn't like it she knew what she could do!!! He obviously didn't count on her throwing him out but she had finally had enough after nearly 16 years of the same old thing!

I'm not saying it was easy for her but now she's back on her feet and happy without him and surprisingly better off financially without him! I'm not telling you to leave your hubby but I am saying don't put up with it because you will end up resenting him and you will finally snap, people can only be pushed so far!!

I wish you well and if I was you I'd show him this thread to bring him into the 21st century!!!! Good luck and please do keep us updated!

WannaBeTeenager

Its your job to clean the house, tidy up, do the washing, do dinners, do the washing up, play with kids, sort the kids out, run there baths, put them to bed, empty bins, look after the baby and change the nappies. that goes from 6am to 11pm?
I'd ask for a raise! or say where's my overtime pay!

tell him to book a holiday for two days as your going out to do the Christmas shopping and you need some one to do your jobs at home. when you get home you do what he does, sit down and watch tv while he still carries on.
Then when he says that you can take over then say "well what have you been doing all day" and then say "i've been out all day and your here to do my jobs for two days"
he might think twice next time.

kate1976

A little off topic but just read this http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=2077057 Maybe you should show hubby!!!

Minimum_Wage_2

found this, hope it helps?

Marriage: Partnership by Dale and Susan Mathis
From the time you rise in the morning until you fall into bed at night, you're expected to play certain roles, fulfill certain responsibilities, and make hundreds of decisions, large and small. It's the stuff of daily life. But the way you approach each day's tasks makes all the difference in the world.
Growing up, Tim watched his parents fulfill very traditional male and female roles: the man cared for the outside of the home, and the woman cared for the inside. Fortunately for Tim, he and his bride lived in an apartment, and since outside maintenance was taken care of, Tim thought he was off the hook as far as daily duties and responsibilities.
Angie had a different idea about a woman's place in the home and household responsibilities. She'd been raised in a home where Mom and Dad shared it all — cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work, and so on. When Tim sat in front of the TV night after night and expected Angie to do all the "inside stuff," she couldn't believe it. She expected equality in the home. In fact, she demanded it by giving Tim a laundry list of all the things she normally did around the house and pointing out how little he contributed.
A heated argument ensued, and Tim dug in his heels. After all, he worked 45 to 50 hours a week, while Angie only had a part-time retail position. As time passed, their marital journey was littered with power games, manipulation, control, and stubborn dissension — until they discovered God's thoughts on the matter.
The division of labor is usually one of the first challenges newlyweds face. How do you get everything done that needs doing in the limited time you have? Who will do which chores? Who will run what errands? Usually, during the newlywed years, both the husband and wife work, so finding time to get chores and errands accomplished often becomes complicated.
So how do you figure out what roles each of you'll assume, how you'll delegate responsibilities, and how you'll make decisions? As a child, you watched your parents fulfill different roles. Now, as a soon-to-be married adult, you must assess your respective roles as husband and wife and decide what will work best in your marriage.
Who's best skilled to accomplish a particular task? Who has the time to run a certain errand? Finding the balance in order to avoid resentment and sharing the workload so as to accomplish life's everyday challenges should be your goals.