All of the effort, all of the time

Oldernotwiser

If he has always been like this, why have you had 3 children with him? If this is a recent development, what has happened to make him change?

Errata

There are some good responses on who should be doing what, but I don't understand why the OP is content to let her other half use her and the children as an emotional punchbag

Lunar_Eclipse

RoxieW wrote: »

He holds the financial trump card in that if I stopped doing things for him he would stop supporting me financially.

This jumps out at me. What do you mean exactly? You are raising his children which is 'doing stuff for him'. You are his wife, his equal, not his mother or housekeeper. No-one should allow financial compensation to determine which jobs have value in your family. There are always 101 things to do. I think you both need to work on your personal family priorities.

My suggestion is to remove the emotion out of it and to sit down with him and decide what both of your job profiles are; your key areas of responsibility to the family unit. You cannot be responsible for everything except being the main breadwinner. That would be him treating you like a doormat.

I would point out that saying your home is a sh*thole is not constructive, respectful or appreciated. Would he find it positive if a colleague/boss at work described his work as being a pile of sh*t? Explain that you work hard every day. Discuss what he sees as being the priorities for you, since you work part time vs his full time and so are at home more. And then come to an agreement, a compromise, based on both of your opinions.

Lunar_Eclipse

Primrose wrote: »

Just earning all the money and handing it over doesn't relieve him of all other family responsibilities. If he doesn't want to participate in all aspects of family life, including a share of the drudgery, ask him if he'd like to move out for a while. And stand up for yourself and don't let him force you into victim mode.

I would add this topic to my conversation too.

I have had to explain to my DH that by loading the dishwasher at the weekend, he is not doing me a favour (as he liked to put it!), but was doing his part in the running of our family home, at the weekend when no-one goes out to work so we are all responsible. I think any reasonable person would understand the logic behind this, although it would be unreasonable to leave all the laundry until the weekend for example!

iamana1ias

Is this the same man that demanded sex less than a week after you gave birth? And wants it when he wants it?

I'd change the locks next time he goes out if I were you. Maybe a week camping in the front garden will teach him something

Ruby_Moon

DKLS wrote: »

Tell him to get down to Currys and buy a dryer quick sharp, 3 kids and no dryer :eek:

You don't need a dryer with 3 kids. It might make things easier but its more expensive than using other ways.
I got rid of my dryer years ago to save money, and its amazing how much the electric bill has gone down and also how much longer clothes last. They seemed to wear out/shrink more with a dryer and clothes would need replacing.
I would never have one given again.

tandraig

sorry - but i read the OP first post then had to skip to this page.
are you also married to MY husband? your life was my life when my kids were small! only instead of computer it was rugby!!!
OH is now sat watching wales v samoa and i am here on computer!
there are things i would rather not say on open forum - so will PM you hun.

luxor4t

tandraig wrote: »

.........OH is now sat watching wales v samoa and i am here on computer!...... snipped .

SNAP! & my OH is neither Welsh nor Samoan


((((((OP)))))), sending you virtual hugs. I'm having to remember a time that I'd prefer to forget, when I had 3 littlies & most days were very gloomy. You will find a way through this, even though it is hard now.
Make sure you get fresh air & plenty of fruit to lift your spirits, & think about getting in a cleaning contractor for a one-off blitz that you can then maintain. My local laundrette did a service wash that was a godsend in bad weather when I had a bedding mountain to get through - maybe yours does.

tandraig

luxor - i didnt have the money for a service wash!!! when you are kept short of housekeeping - its even harder! i can remember doing 5 washes some days! as work clothes cant go in with normal clothes and wouldnt even consider putting his rugby clothes in with normal wash!!! they stank of mud and liniment!!!

Money_maker

Without getting personal (sorry if I am), was the problem on an earlier thread resolved - the one about his increased use of the gym and lack of sex drive? You were very supportive of him on that thread so I wonder if something else has changed or if all these problems are pieces of one big jigsaw waiting to be put together.

No real advice to offer but would suggest you perhaps trawl through some of your earlier posts and check to see if a sort of pattern is emerging. I think there is something here.

For the record, he doesn't know how lucky he is - you are amazing. Hope he realises this before its too late... x