All of the effort, all of the time

RoxieW

Hi guys its me again. I'm reluctant to post as I've had a few comments before about being 'woe is me' etc but this forum is the only 'support network' I have - sad but true - and I feel the need to talk to someone

Trouble with my OH again Does anyone else feel that they make all the effort in the relationship, all of the time. I feel like that at the minute and I'm shattered and really starting to question my marriage. Things are getting on top of me again as I am very busy lately (should be working right now but cant concentrate) and feel i get no support or appreciation
. In brief, 3 kids (1 a baby), freelance work that is very busy at the moment which I am trying to do while baby naps and on evening, gym 3 times a week, xmas to sort, the house to look after etc etc. Last week I was told that OH wasnt happy with the way I was running the house. According to him it is a S hole and I 'sit on my a**e all day'. I was so upset and frustrated by this as its far from the truth - I run myself ragged all day doing everything for the family . The house isnt a S hole - there was just a bit of mess, some recycling to go out and a backlog of washing because we dont have a dryer and it had been raining - I can only get so much dried on airers and with everyones clothes, gym kits, club uniforms, school uniforms, baby clothes, kids wetting bed etc it is just too much (I also wash the bibs for OHs football team grrrr). I ask him to help and I get 'thats not my job'. I'm so frustrated with him that I could cry. I feel like he wants to push me over the edge - like he wont be happy until I have a nervous breakdown.
Anyway I didnt speak to him after his comments as i was waiting for an apology but didnt get one. When I try to have it out to break the horrible atmosphere in the house I get ignored, told to shut up, told I'm irrational, go away etc etc. In the end I just left it, didnt get my apology. Since then he's done nothing but play on his computer game. i feel like he barely speaks to me. He certainly doesnt initiate doing anything with me or the kids. He's so miserable, grumpy, snappy - I feel I'm on eggshells. I told the kids we would take them swimming as they had good reports on parents evening - I can tell he doesnt want to go. I told him that I wanted to book to take them to see peterpan and do a workshop before hand, he says he's going to watch a football match that day (also going to dublin with the lads a couple of days before). Everything is like pulling teeth - like he'd rather not be a part of family life. He spouts all this stuff at parents evening - the boys should be doing x y and z - yet I'm yet to see him get one of their homework books and do something with them - oh no, of course - thats not his job, its mine. If I hear that phrase one more time I'll scream. Everything is my job and I'm seriously exhausted trying to keep all the balls up in the air and not put a foot wrong so that I dont get shouted at or ignored by him.
I just want things to be better between us - my instinct is to be nice to him - to run him a bath tonight, get a takeaway, watch a movie - but I'm getting abit sick of it always being me that makes the effort to make things right between us. On the other hand I want to scream at him buti dont have th eenergy.
Please help.

mummy_Jay

When it comes to washing the footy teams bibs the answer is 'thats not my job'. Making him dinner and doing his washing 'thats not my job'.

Do not run him a bath, remove the fuse from his computer instead, write him a list of HIS jobs. Cooking dinner 3 times a week, cleaning the bathroom, hoovering up, split the house work 50/50 so he knows what his jobs are.

As for tonight run yourself a nice bath, make sure you and the kids have had dinner and sit yourself down and watch a film with popcorn. Let him entertain himself.

Or next time he comes up with comment on the state of the house, swap jobs around the house with him, he can do what you do for a week and you'll do as little as he does.

Are you running a hotel? as it sounds like thats how he's treating it, you'd expect this from a teenage son not a partner.

Sorry hun, but a marriage is suppost to be a partnership where you both do a share, your not his mother, your his partner and he should help and support you.

Any

O.K., why does he think all that is not his job??
Is it just because it is women's job or is it that because you work freelance he is the main earner (is he?) and so he believes that after hard day at work he has the right to wind up a bit in the evening?

jackielesley

I very rarely post - but I couldn't read your post and not reply. I have been in your situation, although with only 2 children not 3, and its a really tough time when they are all so small and dependent.

However, as my boys got older - life got easier. Their dad got much more involved in their lives taking them to football every weekend, and training once a week. He also took them to swimming club and cubs and we evolved a social life and good friends around the boys becoing good friends with other parents.

I know it is tough for you - but believe me it does get easier.

RoxieW

mummyjay - thank you but I know that that will never happen. He wont change - god knows I've tried. He holds the financial trump card in that if I stopped doing things for him he would stop supporting me financially.

MrsTinks

I'm sorry but are you his mum, house keeper and personal slave or his wife?

You may be happy with his attitude (though guess not) but if that was MY husband... He'd be out the door so quick he wouldn't know what had hit him! My house is often messy - so sue me I have 1 dog 2 cats 1 5 month old baby and the to adults in the house... My husband sometimes makes a thoughtless comment about the house being messy (well... we DO have too much stuff for a small house...) and when he does he gets told where the hoover is and that "oh btw why don't you cook dinner this week and then you can do the washing, feed the baby, change the baby, walk the dog, make the beds, clean the bathrooms and tidy and sort out all the bills and stuff... To which I usually get told "I know it's tough hun, I didn't mean you weren't doing a good job... I'll do the hoovering now if you want me to?" and usually this pacifies me enough to make him dinner (that and he's not the best cook going and I like edible meals )
I prefer doing the washing because I like my whites white and not pale blue or pink

I guess it all depends on what you're willing to put up with... I'd start by leaving the footie shirts as they are - I don't see why on earth you're washing those! If he said he'd get them clean for the next match then show him where the washing machine is... heck if you feel nice tell him what setting they should go in on
Stop making him dinner - if he's hungry tell him where the cooker is.

But it all depends on YOUR limits - I can only tell you what mine would be

totallybonkers

and you love this man because? What does he give - seems like you're doing all the giving and he's taking.

RoxieW

Yes he is by far the main earner. I cant take away from him the fact that he goes to work and hands all his money over to me for the family - he is good like that.

RoxieW

He gives love and affection - when he feels like it. He is a good dad. He supports us all financially. Can you sense my unenthusiastic tone lol - I feel like it is all slipping away.

DKLS

Tell him to get down to Currys and buy a dryer quick sharp, 3 kids and no dryer :eek:

RoxieW

jackie - he has recently started taking one of our boys to football club and the other to beavers. Which is a start.