accused of being a bully

Zoetoes

Sounds like an attention seeker to me.

Steel_2

libbyc3 wrote: »

I have emailed my tutor as much to cover my own back - on the advice from a year 3 student, and given a brief outline of what happen and said I would be happy to stand up to any scrutiny over whether I have bullied anyone.

Good call...chances are you'll probably never find out exactly what you were supposed to have done to irritate her in the weeks leading up to this, but agree with other posters she should have taken you to one side for a word. You might find she's giving you the evil eye because the tutor 'had a word' with her instead.

Mumslave

you cant go around modelling your personality on each individual person or incident...oh such and such was upset because i am loud...better not be anymore, oh but now such and such is upset because I dont talk enough, better talk more...you are whom you are..

Agree. However, being self-aware as Libby says she is means understanding how your positive and negative characteristics can affect you, those around you and impact on different situations. If you are a dominant person, it doesn't mean telling others you are a dominant person and then proceeding to dominate them. There are situations where dominance and leadership (or other qualities) are required and situations where it is better to curb them for your own good. We all practice it every day with the people we work with - it's Office Politics and we can't ignore it.

I'm quite an opinionated person, but over the last few years I've realised that's not helped me in certain situations - I'd have been far wiser to keep quiet and smile politely in some cases. In others I should have simply made my excuses and left the scene. It simply wasn't worth the agro that followed.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Ok, well nobody else (except Errata & dmg) has challenged your view that you can't possibly have been at fault.

So I'm going to do it. I'm taking the point of view that could be the one the other lady has taken. You tell us that you don't really mind if someone disagrees with you, so, this isn't personal, but I am going to disagree with you and put forward another interpretation of the events.

libbyc3 wrote: »

is on painkillers and was sitting dosing in a corner and grumbled possibly tried to struggle through severe pain?at having to move. I joked - you stay there and have a kip, we'll work while you moan. It was said in a joking way - gentle teasing really, or that was my intention. So everyone notices that the person is medicated and having problems keeping up, also confirming the stereotype that disabled people are lazy

I am so upset. i can be loud and do tend to dominate group work, Perhaps someone else would like to get a word in?but am also self aware and tell people - please let me know if you don't agree with me, i won't take offence. and confronting you in public would achieve what, exactly? You reporting matters to the Uni, having meetings with other people about her, posting on bulletin boards about her, texting, keeping on talking at her, demanding attention I didn't mean to upset her - i had lunch with her and shared some of my ideas what about her ideas?for assignments we have to write half an hour before this incident.

libbyc3 wrote: »

Errata, I am interested in your view of oppression - the women concerned refused to join in the group work and ignored anyone's attempt to engage her, which is why I offered 2 more apologies - offering to go for coffee and talk. she was openly dozing in the class and i didn't mention the painkillers at all. by immediately admitting my mistake I don't feel i was in any way holding the balance of power, but giving her the oppurtunity to re-engage with the task in hand. So she could be readmitted to your group, which you dominate? Doesn't sound like fun to me, even before I have the embarrassment of losing my rag with the class organiser
i am actually calmed down and feeling less upset and more annoyed by her reaction. we have previously had the type of relationship of taking the p out of eachother - she tells me to shut up quite regularly, in jest, when she disagress with my opinion and it is all taken the right way. Are you so sure of this? You could have been crossing the line and she was trying to let you know that she didn't like it without you taking the hint. Not everyone enjoys disagreement in public
the only thing i feel guilty of is not realising she must of been in more pain than she had previously said - she had spent the morning joking about being high coz the painkillers were so strong How obvious do you need her to make it then? - and that is why her sense of humour failed so it's her fault that you made a mean joke at her expense and didn't find it funny like 'normal people'? at that moment. Would you have noticed it if she were sobbing and snivelling that she was in so much pain, she could hardly manage to keep up with your holding court?
just really peed off at the mo at the 'bullying' label

Truth hurts sometimes

libbyc3 wrote: »

t I sent a text to her apologising again.
having spoken to other students who were witness to the incident the impression i get is that it is percieved she completely over reacted and they understood the context of my teasing. has it occurred to you that other people might be wary of confirming that they dislike your taking charge, in case they are on the receiving end of your jokes?
I think i was more upset by not being able to handle the situation - more through shock at her reaction - I foster teenagers and trust me i am more than used to being sworn at!!!! and usually humour diffuses the situation - but this time it was an attempt at humour that got me in it! Yes, so funny. Humour is a weapon for many people.
yes i have 'reflected' and apart from obviously not joking in the first place - something i immediatly took responsibility for - I would not have handled the situation any differently - admitted my mistake, attempted to apologise and gave her the opportunity to talk things through away from the group. i did not rise to her aggression or attempt to defend my actions. what are you doing now then, if not being defensive and calling her aggressive?

I now wait to see if there will be any official comeback from the uni.
Errarta - without sounding defensive - though i probably do - I think that this is distinctly possible your original comment of me being in the wrong and should look at my practice - this was not a professional environment so it's OK to pick on people as long as you can't get fired for it?, we were/are not practicing social workers, it was an informal group discussing law (yawn) If it's that boring you feel the need to run it and still complain, perhaps allow someone else to take a lead who find the legal framework of your job as vaguely important. is anyone professional 24/7? No, but I would prefer it if any lapses weren't at someone else's expenseit will be a sad day if colleagues are not allowed to have a joke I'd say you were better saving a laugh and a joke for the pub after work, personally.(given an appropriate time and moment which mine admittedly obviously wasn't). Don't know if you are a SW but of the many I work with day to day the one thing that is shared is a very black SOH in my experience.

But singling out one colleague for attention doesn't sound particularly funny to me - and my sense of humour is positively charcoal

If you don't like what I have to say, no skin off my nose. But, I clearly remember from my studies, as do my children and many other people, that there is usually at least one person in a group situation who absolutely has to dominate the entire proceedings. They speak for the group, they manage the group, they think for the group, nobody else gets a chance to do anything, because the leader's opinions are the only ones that matter, and anyone who tries to disagree is not following the rules of the group. They are often bullish, passive aggressive or just plain confrontational and totally oblivious to how they make other people in the group feel. I'm not convinced I would like to be in a group with you. You would probably hate me, but I'd most likely, rather than take the route the other lady did (tempting though it probably was for a number of people), take myself off to a separate group and give quieter people a chance to speak without fear of being singled out for the acid tongue of 'humour'.

Bullies often use the excuse 'oh, we were just having a bit of fun really. Honest', the implicit being 'she just can't take a joke/isn't one of us/shouldn't be here/doesn't belong'.

Don't ask other people what they think - they could be saying anything just to get out of the tricky situation of telling you that actually, yes you are a absolute nightmare and they wish you were in a different class, as you would respond aggressively towards them too.

I suspect that, if you had posted on the Disability thread, the replies received would have been slightly different to the ones over here.

Julieg

I think you need to be a bit more sensitive towards other people. You say that you knew this woman was on painkillers but you thought saying

"you stay there and have a kip, we'll work while you moan"

was funny?? Wouldn't a more thoughtfull person tried to arrange things so that this woman, who presumably is in pain, didn't have to move.

tandraig

I read post NO 54 and had to go outside for a ciggy - i had to calm down before posting.
I have to say - what a vicious piece of bullying this post is!!! all couched in 'I'm only saying this to help you' saccharine!
must have taken you ages Jojothemeanminded. the OP posted the thread as she was upset at being accused of being a bully! I bet after reading your post she will feel like ODing!!!
it (your post) is horrible - vicious and mean but what makes it worse is that you have obviously taken so much time and trouble to extract the most venom out of it.
Libby hun - you may well come across this type of bullying in your career - usually used by management to intimidate younger or new members of staff. dont fall for it hun! its sophisticated bullying - but bullying nevertheless.
jojo - what goes around comes around - watch your back
oh - and i really dont get why you think if the thread had been posted on disability thread she would have gotten any less support - most of the people on disability thread are really nice helpful people - who probably wouldnt dream of swearing at someone - even if their jokes werent funny!

glossgal

Jojo, you said everything I was going to!

It's impossible to know if OP was out of order but I do know that aggressive, gobby or bullish people in my experience are the last to acknowledge that they are. They will use words like 'honest' 'call a spade a spade' about themselves- international code for "I'm a pain in the a**e" :rolleyes:

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

[looks for saccharine] Nope, no saccharine involved. Presumably the OP is a big girl now and can handle it without sobbing, overdosing or unleashing the attack dogs. I certainly wasn't putting forward the other party's point of view to be nice to the OP, I did it because I think it is very possible that the OP was in the wrong.

[watches my back] What for? Is something going to happen to it? Through the computer screen?

So put me on ignore, I'm sure you know how to do that. I'll try not to fall apart with grief.

tandraig

now we can expect an appearance from all of jojothemeanminded 'friends' - this is common practice on the 'praise, vent and warnings' site.
didnt expect to see it on here - oh well - guess i have made more enemies then!
chin up libby hun - ignore them - I do!

tandraig

jojo - i said what goes around comes around - no-one can do anything through computer (well they can - but I gave up hacking a long time ago). But the universe has a way of paying you back when you are deliberately nasty to people. which you have been to this OP.
as well as the ignore button - there is an abuse button - and i have been known to use it.
namaste

libbyc3

dear god, to put into some sort of context the sense of humour of the women in question usually has- in the morning prior to the incident, she was laughing telling a group of us about her ailments and joked that when she qualifies she would get allocated a person who is quadrapedic, has a learning disability and is an orphan and they could have a competition to see who had the most problems!!! She was open with all of us - about 6 - who were outside about being on strong painkiller, and that she recommended them to get through boring lectures as she was high as a kite.
against this background, yes i did misjudge that she would be able to take some ribbing over her moan of having to get into a group along the lines of for f sake what is the point of this, cant stand law, grumble, grumble, grumble.
Through working in and with social services for several years, I have found staying in the background gets a person nowhere. having to advocate for extremely vulnerable kids to get the services they desparately need and are long overdue does not come about by letting others have their say - all that achieves is endless discussion over budgets, responsibility, and timescales. and believe me, nothing ever actually gets done.
I am proud of the fact that being bolshy has got positive outcomes for some of the kids I have had, and yes, I am being defending my personality. it may not suit every situation and I may - and have this time - got into bother, however, I am at the start of a course and learning curve into stepping up to a professional level where I can transfer and utilitse my skills, including 'bolshiness'.