accused of being a bully

butterfly72

I work in district nursing. I recently had a colleague take me to the side to tell me he didin't like the way I'd spoken to him on 3 seperate occaisions. He told me I'd been aggressive and had no regard for what his plans were for the morning. (He'd only been there 1 week and we'd hardly spoken tbh...except for me to give him instructions on what tasks he would be doing. We were too busy for chit chat and I was in charge and very very busy) I apologised like mad and went home to reflect on it.

On reflection I decided that he was totally wrong. Luckily I remembered every single word and manner in which I'd spoken to him. I had spoken to him in a direct professional manner using pleases and thankyous. I checked this with two colleague who were present. I told them to be honest, as its something I could work on.

I arranged an 'official' meeting with him (put in the work diary) and arranged for a senior colleague to mediate/sit in. I gave my side. I told him I would have no problems in speaking in such a manner to him or anyone again, but apologised that he found it unacceptable and siad that, I would be more sensitive to his particular needs in future.

Well, he started going on about loads of other irrelevent things and would not shut up. You'd have thought he was on Oprah winfrey!!! Talk about hanging yourself!! It turns out, that he tried a similar thing in his last job but the nurse took it and spent 2 years being bullied by this man who was her junior!! I don't think he liked me giving him instructions, maybe because I'm younger?? I reminded him that I am the qualified nurse and he is the assistant and I have every right to ask him to carry out tasks based on our patients needs.

To this day I don;t really engage with him. I don't want to joke or have personal chit chat with him. Other memebers of our team are the same. Its a shame as we are a really friendly supportive team. this colleague ticks quite a few 'equality and diversity' boxes and therefore I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing and ending up in HR. I'd rather not engage. Sad really.

tandraig

libby hun - by my count you have apologised FOUR times. please stop - if she is still feeling aggreived all you are doing is convincing her she is in the right!! I can see the point where other posters are telling you to 'tone down' your personality - you have to behave professionally in work - but you arent in work are you??? by the time you finish your courses you will know how to behave with clients and colleagues - but if your personality is as you say loud and brash you will be one hell of a unique social worker the few i have met have all been very quiet and serious! but if i were a client i would love you on my side!!!!
dont change your personality libby - find a niche where it works for you not against you! oh and keep us posted hun on what happens in uni - personally i think you are owed the apology - wouldnt have dreamed of swearing at fellow students (on my mature student courses) or at work - or even in the family - no matter how much pain i am in............and i have degenerative disk disease and am always in some degree of pain.

libbyc3

well, went into college today and the lady concerned completely ignored me, not even eye contact at my attempt at as smile.
I feel slightly bolstered by several other students approaching me to say they are happy working with me, knowing I am forthright with my opinions but would feel comfortable telling me if i have offended them as I am approachable, just a bit enthusiastic sometimes (diplomacy in action!) I asked some for honest feedback, whether I potentially have been upsetting this women for several weeks and not realised and was told that 'maybe irritated rather than offended'(!)
I have emailed my tutor as much to cover my own back - on the advice from a year 3 student, and given a brief outline of what happen and said I would be happy to stand up to any scrutiny over whether I have bullied anyone.
Who knows where we go from here.
thanks to everyone who replied

mrcow

I still think you are owed an apology - and should say so if you hear anything on the matter again.

tandraig

good for you libbyc3 - keep notes hun - just in case this bites you on the !!! in future! as for this woman - personally i would just ignore her, she is a fellow student not a soulmate so dont let this upset you. you asked other students for feedback and i think they were honest with you by saying irritated, if they were just being nice they would have just said you did nothing wrong. hun - you cannot please everyone - and your personality will clash with some people - you have to accept that and realise that even if people do find you loud or irritating - really they should have a quiet word with you - not suddenly turn on you and swear at you in class. if this woman does become a social worker - would this be acceptable behaviour? i would find it more serious than someone teasing or joking inappropriately!
my advice now would be to put it behind you and concentrate on your studies and those in the class who have been supportive - they are friends - this woman is not!

pickle

Without knowing the woman concerned I would say this:
- there are professional victims who enjoy the limelight which victimhood brings
- you've said an apology that is all that is needed, nothing more - it was a joke which was miscontrued (easily done, haven't we all been there?)
- ignore her now and stop trying to make peace as it will only compound things and besides who needs it?
- she'll get worse than that in social work (as will you). In other words, don't lose sleep over it.

zenmaster

libbyc3 wrote: »

i got told to f off, what sort of f ing social worker will i make letting people know her business (?) and she couldnt work with me.
I immediately apologised and got told to f off again. she stormed out and someone followed her but she wouldn't speak to anyone saying its between me and her (me).

What sort of f ing social worker will she make?

More like an antisocial worker by the sound of it

tandraig

zenmaster wrote: »

What sort of f ing social worker will she make?

More like an antisocial worker by the sound of it

nice one!!!:T

totally agree zenmaster - and if it came down to which social worker would i prefer OP or this person - no contest!!!! OP every time

pinkshoes

This other lady sounds like my ex best friend.

She was the sort of person who would try an outfit on when shopping, ask you what you thought, and when you said (as tactfully as possible) that it didn't overly suit her (rather than it was hideous and made her look like she had thunder thighs and a pot belly), and perhaps she should try something else, she would then sulk for the rest of the day!

Just ignore her. You've apologised enough already, and if she's not willing to grow up and accept your apology like an adult, then you shouldn't waste any more time on her. She will not make a good social worker if she can't communicate!

mini

libbyc3

Please remember when someone is trying to avoid you they have to put a lot of effort into it, glancing round without looking, changing routines etc, honestly it is so true & worth remembering, I have pointed it out to others (we studied it in a lecture) and it is fascinating to see how much you have to try to avoid someone!

I think you have acted professionally, don't let her grind you down.