accused of being a bully

Lunar_Eclipse

No, I don't think she should be calling you a bully based on your post. I would want to speak to the tutor about it in case he registers it (perhaps only mentally) as a serious matter, putting your version of events in writing, including the witnesses that were present. Although since this might open a can of worms, I would do nothing unless the need to arose. But write down what happened anyway and ask those present to sign it, just in case it comes back to bite you on the derrier!

Personally, I think the fact that you have mentioned you are on a social work course has clouded the issue. All the talk of reflective practice and frameworks is superfluous to the circumstances, IMO. This is simply something that can happen to anyone, in everyday life.

Steel_2

I think it really depends Libby how often you make "teasing" or 'joking' comments to people.

The odd comment is one thing and if that is what this was then she has over-reacted. But if you do it frequently to a number of people you need to curb the habit. It could be this lady is the tip of an iceberg...

I have cut contact with friends and aquaintences who do this frequently as I find it a unpleasant passive aggressive way of controlling people. Persistent comments made in a 'joking' way can eventually destroy someone's self esteem.

I find your comment about being loud and dominating in group work interesting....perhaps it would be wise to take a back seat for a while in group situations and allow others to take more control...it could be this lady (and perhaps others) feel their voice is not being heard and are becoming sensitive to it.

mumslave

libby stop apologising to her and forget about it now. I think you are rather like me in that when you offend someone, you are genuinely pretty horrified and need to hear that the other person is okay, but in this case, by not responding to you, she is dragging everything out for you and you texting her is doing the same. Just let things lie, it was a daft comment, taken out of context. The world will still go round. x

melancholly

just ignore it now - nothing else you can do! although did the person involved tell you that they had reported you as a bully or did a staff member speak to you about it? if this gets mentioned by a staff member, then it's worth making your case clearly and getting others to back you up. if it's never mentioned, then don't say anything about it.

starnight_2

Libby - I think you have done everything you can, so it's a case of wait and see. Though I am interested in what Steel has said also, as I know a few people who prefer teasing and joking, and when I'm not well it upsets me, even though I know it's the way they have always been.

I don't think what you have done could eb construed !!! bullying, but maybe try taking a back seat, and being more careful around this person.

Amanita_2

libbyc3 wrote: »

I think i was more upset by not being able to handle the situation - more through shock at her reaction - I foster teenagers and trust me i am more than used to being sworn at!!!! and usually humour diffuses the situation - but this time it was an attempt at humour that got me in it!
yes i have 'reflected' and apart from obviously not joking in the first place - something i immediatly took responsibility for - I would not have handled the situation any differently - admitted my mistake, attempted to apologise and gave her the opportunity to talk things through away from the group. i did not rise to her aggression or attempt to defend my actions.
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I can speak only for myself here. I have a good Welsh temper which I very rarely lose completely but on the occasions that I do there is absolutely no point in trying to apologise, it only fuels it. I can be particularly touchy when in pain. It is not a characteristic I am proud off but there it is.

My OH learnt a long time ago that the best way to "handle" this is to leave me strictly alone for half an hour or so by which time I am ready to be apologised to (or do the apologising myself!)

mrcow

If this goes any further (eg. to tutor level) then personally I would make it quite clear that I find the "bullying" accusations quite offensive and completely off the mark.

Explain that you have apologised on more than one occassion for any upset caused, but that found the way she spoke to you completely uncalled for and upsetting. She owes you an apology herself for it. If she's not prepared to give you one right now, then make it quite clear in front of whomever concerned that your door will always be open for when she's calmed herself down.

I don't think that you did anything wrong personally at the time, but as with all things, I guess there's always the learning opportunity from this.

mumslave

you cant go around modelling your personality on each individual person or incident...oh such and such was upset because i am loud...better not be anymore, oh but now such and such is upset because I dont talk enough, better talk more...you are whom you are and as this seems to be an isolated incident, not a regular occurance, I wouldnt bother analysing yourself. Be comfortable in your own skin and dont fret the small stuff, like this incident here.

Molly41

mumslave wrote: »

you cant go around modelling your personality on each individual person or incident...oh such and such was upset because i am loud...better not be anymore, oh but now such and such is upset because I dont talk enough, better talk more...you are whom you are and as this seems to be an isolated incident, not a regular occurance, I wouldnt bother analysing yourself. Be comfortable in your own skin and dont fret the small stuff, like this incident here.

In a professional capacity you do have to restrain your personality and tame some of those traits as it can be misconstrued as in this incident. When I trained the ethos was that from day 1 we had to be professional and develop that persona wherever we were - in college, on placement. Even on the street as we are goverend by codes of professional conduct and can be struck off if we do something in our personal life that brings our profession into disrepute.

mumslave

Even when in a proper professional environment, when accidently offending someone an apology is all thats required, not a total personality overhaul, this appears to be nothing more than an isolated incident where the OP acted entirely appropriately. Suggestions on this thread that the OP needs to 'tame' her personality is very extreme.