Is it worth trying to get child support from this man?

Aphroditesgirdle

DancingShoes - what an awful, heart breaking tale :-( I think that kind of rejection must be the worst of all and I can't imagine the pain those children must be going through.

Well in my daughter's case - of course her father doesn't love her because he has never met her and he is still in denial about her. From what I have heard from others, he feels conflict within himself about it but wants to carry on with his life of taking drugs and not thinking about anything else. He wouldn't be able to add anything positive to her life at this moment in time. And his behaviour is about him, and is in no way a reflection on her or a suggestion that she's unlovable and I will make sure she knows this as she grows up. Perhaps it will be easier that he lives in a different country so that he won't ever be able to keep dipping in and out like some 'fathers' I know.

Dancing_Shoes

It is the sole reason as to why we are no longer friends with him. My oh couldn't handle the fact that whilst he was fighting his ex in the courts to see his children our "friend" just seemed to throw his away:(

I have to add that I wouldn't allow anyone that was taking drugs to be part of my childrens lives to me that is the reflection of someone who has no control of their own life let alone trying to look after a child :mad:

In terms of the money as part of your original question then as you have his email I would ask him for an amount that you deem to be reasonable and tell him that if he does not start taking financial responsibility then you will have no choice but to pursue him through the CSA who will take 15% of his income!

chriszzz

Dancing_Shoes wrote: »

On a slightly different note, how do you feel knowing that the father (and I use that term loosely) does not want your child? Is there evidence to support the fact that children that are not wanted by either parent suffer in later life? Am sure children do suffer later in life, how much they suffer?? My experience is my son and daughters father, has never bothered with them financially or emotionally and that was really tough on the kids, especially for my son who was desperate to have a relationship with his dad, there dad made endless promises and let them down, I had the nice job of having to pick up the pieces, there is nothing more heartbreaking than to watch your children s heart being broken and especially by someone who played father when we were living together as a family.
Just a question that occured to me when reading this thread, not in any way a criticism of you op as I can totally understand your reasons for not wanting a termination.
I knew someone (was a friend but is not anymore:() that left his first family because he was having an affair and from the day he left he has never seen the children he left behind. When we spoke to him about it he was very matter of fact, no emotion just said that he no longer wanted to be their dad or a part of their lives and left it to his ex to pick up the pieces. He went on to have 4 MORE children with his new partner and from what I have heard dotes on these children Do you know my ex?? lol
His eldest son from his first family (i hate these terms) is now constantly in trouble at school and locally:(
Obviously a different situation to you op but I imagine it must be an awful feeling to know that the father/mother of your child doesn't want or love your child:( and I am not sure how I would react in that situation

My reaction was that I wanted to take him to court (in fact I laff at that now) and give him access!! The children would not of been in any danger and who knows he may have maintained his relationship with them. Instead he was able to forget his responsibilities and go onto marrying again and fathering 4 more children plus taking on a child that his wife had previous to another partner, so for some reason money for me doesn't sit for top priority that will never give my children the love that they were denied. I personally think they have it the wrong way round, emotional support is far more important than financial support. That is just my priority, I suppose I can say that now because all those years are behind us and I have seen the effect of the lack of emotional support plays in the lives of children whose father has no contact.

Its appears that were children are concerned people seem to talk more about money, you don't really hear people talk about the lack of contact or even show their feelings about the nrp denying their own children their love, they seem to get more angry about the money. I am the opposite I wanted to take him to court and basically get the courts to give him access so that he can not just walk from his emotional responsibilities, the children needed him not the money.

Dancing_Shoes

I do agree with you Chriszzz, children need far less material items than most of us give them but they can never have too much love. Although the money is important as you cannot raise children on thin air as you have said the emotions are far more important and it would be better if this aspect was focused on more by solicitors etc. The man I talked about as far as I know does support his first children financially but I think this was more to do with him being a solicitor than him wanting to provide for them:rolleyes:

Loopy_Girl

Aphroditesgirdle wrote: »

Well in my daughter's case - of course her father doesn't love her because he has never met her and he is still in denial about her. From what I have heard from others, he feels conflict within himself about it but wants to carry on with his life of taking drugs and not thinking about anything else. He wouldn't be able to add anything positive to her life at this moment in time. And his behaviour is about him, and is in no way a reflection on her or a suggestion that she's unlovable and I will make sure she knows this as she grows up. Perhaps it will be easier that he lives in a different country so that he won't ever be able to keep dipping in and out like some 'fathers' I know.

My answer to my daighter when she asked if her Dad loved her was a truthful no. I explained that it is impossible to love someone that you don't know but then obviously went on to reassure her that I loved her etc etc. She also used to think that he was 'too busy at work' to come and see her and I have also gently told her that this is probably not the case.

She is frequently asking me more and more why her Dad doesn't see her and I have told her the truth - that I do not know but that when she is a big girl then I will give her his address and she can go and ask him...so hell mend him on that day quite frankly.

And in answer to DS, yes, ut breaks my heart every day that her Dad has nothing to do with her (in fact I am crying right now typing this), she didn't ask to be born and despite all the blame of contraception and begging on knees for abotion, she is here now and I cannot fathom how he can carry on life and not give her a second thought. Particulary as he is a father already. I despise ANY man with a passion that does not have a part to play in their child's life - it's a missing chromosome or something cos I just can't get it. So that's why I fight for my CSA...cos if he won't emotionally support then I will try for financial support - if only to remind him every week that yes, she is here whether he likes it or not. If he turned round tomorrow and said he wanted contact then I would close the CSA case - no question.

And no, (before the NRP brigade start), it's not 'spiteful', it's self preservation and proof to show my daughter that I did fight for her rights.

And I personally don't think children 'suffer' from a unusual family set up. Having a Mum and Dad doesn't mean life is neccesarily rosy...personally I feel more sorry for these kids in same sex households and the teasing that they musy endure - that must be extremely detrimental

Loopy_Girl

RedSky wrote: »

RedSky is not looking for an argument but noticed a lack of objective opinions in this thread. A debate is not one sided. We are all entitled to our opinions, you don't have to agree with them.

Why are you speaking in the 3rd person and why aren't you just using your normal (or one of them anyway) user names?

No shocker that BB thanked your posts eh?!:rolleyes2

Aphroditesgirdle

Dancing_Shoes wrote: »

It is the sole reason as to why we are no longer friends with him. My oh couldn't handle the fact that whilst he was fighting his ex in the courts to see his children our "friend" just seemed to throw his away:(

I have to add that I wouldn't allow anyone that was taking drugs to be part of my childrens lives to me that is the reflection of someone who has no control of their own life let alone trying to look after a child :mad:

In terms of the money as part of your original question then as you have his email I would ask him for an amount that you deem to be reasonable and tell him that if he does not start taking financial responsibility then you will have no choice but to pursue him through the CSA who will take 15% of his income!

Yes you have hit the nail on the head wrt what kind of father he wouldn't be. He was actually not someone I even wanted my friends to meet so I suppose that is a rather sad reflection of what kind of relationship it was.

Also when it comes to having two parents in the conventional sense, then that is sometimes more damaging than having a father who you've never met, in my opinion. My parents had been together for ten years before they had me, I was a planned child and also the only child. My father, however has never had any time for me and hasn't done a very good job of hiding just how unnecessary he considers me to be. I think he has always regarded me as a problem he has to deal with rather than his daughter who he cherishes. I am not trying to garner sympathy but perhaps to put a different side to it in that I'm sure his treatment of me was damaging because I've always lived with a father who has no interest in me.

Loopy, I identify with some of what you say with regard to seeking child support. My baby's father doesn't seem to function properly on a day to day basis so I suppose it follows that the thought of a child is likely to turn his blood cold. But I still feel he should take some responsibility. I was unwell when I met him (I have bipolar disorder) but I've still had to take responsibility for the outcome of the relationship I had with him.

shell_542

Dancing_Shoes wrote: »

On a slightly different note, how do you feel knowing that the father (and I use that term loosely) does not want your child? Is there evidence to support the fact that children that are not wanted by either parent suffer in later life?

It affects people in different ways, just like most things really.

My biological father didn't want or have anything to do with me from a very young age. It doesn't bother me really. He was never a father to me. I don't feel like I missed out. He was a lazy, aggressive gambling addict and alcoholic. My step father brought me up from the age of 4. In fact I've never thought of him as a step father unless discussing the situation regarding our true relationship.

My husband on the other hand, his biological father also wanted nothing to do with him. He was deeply affected. He felt rejected and it affected him greatly as a young lad and as an adult. Something he finally faced up to in counselling not that long ago. He went on to have a child as a result of a one night stand (before the counselling). His has regular access to his daughter and we pay CS. He couldn't live with himself knowing he had done to her, what his Dad had did to him.

MrsTinks

Interesting thread - and I'm delighted that it has in the main not digressed down the out and out slagging match that it easily could have

I'm going to give my view on it - Whilst I on one hand agree that "it takes 2 to tango" I can also sympathise with men (as a general group) on the fact they get very little choice. But then the argument I have with myself is that "they know this - they KNOW they get screwed! So why didn't they use a condom despite reassurances that their partner was using birth control???" I do of course have some possible answers to that question
Guys generally don't like condoms as they do get in the way of the sensation. Then there is the possibility of offending a partner depending on the length of the relationship "sorry dear I just don't want to risk fathering a child with you because I don't trust your birth control method or frankly you..." - yeah I can see that honest answer coming up in the bedroom
I can also see the womans point of view - I'll make my stand clear and say I believe in abortion - not as a birth control but in cases where birth control has failed despite being used properly. I do appreciate a lot of people don't and I respect that too. So what's the answer?

As a woman - insist on a condom unless you want to risk a pregnancy - I did have the misfortune of having a condom split on me and a partner once and I was down the docs the second they opened the next morning for the morning after pill! And that was nearly 3 years into the relationship!

Blokes... condom condom condom and maybe the male pill as soon as it's available? Yeah a condom isn't 100% safe either but it's better than only relying on the womans contraception

Soooooo.... should this father be made to pay? I guess legally yes... morally.... debatable - if he was relying on the OP to deal with contraception then no to be honest... I believed a child was not going to be a possibility and the OP decided when it became a reality to keep it - he had NO say in that matter.
But I wasn't there so it's hard to say really
As for men from abroad in general - as a WOman from abroad then I don't think they're any more or less likely to cough up or not - it depends on the man, not the fact he's foreign...
Sicily... best of luck with that... I used to houseshare with a sicilian and life in Sicily is VERY different from mainland Italy - they don't even see themselves as the same as Italy. Wether they would respect an order from abroad for maintenance...

Loopy_Girl

I liked your post Mrs T

Can I ask your thoughts on this (curiosity as I am appreciating your views), you say that if OP was relying on the woman for contraception and a pregnancy occurred then he should probably not pay...okies

but what if the contraception failed (yes, it does happen - rare but does) so NRP thought contraception was covered, PWC thought contraception was covered but it failed.
No one knew about it till a missed period so no chance of MAP....not the woman or man's fault of pregnancy (lets just say although I still hapr on about condoms) and the woman doesn't/can't go through a termination for whatever reason....

Should he morally pay? Legally he will need to but what would be your stance on that?