waiting for police to arrest my husband

sebastianj

my daughter was in a similar situation last year, now the ex husband has been trying to get back in her life...I would suggest you get rid off him as quick as possible seek help from police go to a refuge if u have to...Men who are violent dont change ...You need time for yourself for your wellbeing...Eventhough you might feel weak but trust me you will get better with time without him...

tandraig

zztopgirl - you will miss things - but you replace them with something better. what did you NOT do because HE didnt like it? do that!!!
youre doing so well hun - hugs

vaporate

How about deciding why he was abusive. Cuts both ways here.

Morglin

Doesn't really matter why anyone is abusive - I'm sure all violent and abusive people have their 'excuses' for their behaviour - their past, their upbringing, substance abuse, alcohol etc., etc.,.:rolleyes:

The fact is people are abusive because they choose to be so, and the reason so much of it is behind closed doors is because they also know it's wrong and that the vast majority of people despise cowardly men who abuse women. (I know women can be abusive as well, but it's rarer).:mad:

Whatever the excuses, abusers are best left to themselves so that they cannot cause more harm than they already have to both their partners and their children.

Lin

misgrace

kelloggs36 wrote: »

You have clearly been vulnerable in these relationships and afterwards and some men hone in on this and latch on to this and that is how they get the power. If you are totally independent you know you can cope with anything and therefore don't NEED a man and you must not forget that. Busy yourself with nice things to do - meet up with friends, go out and enjoy yourself and forget him.

I was going to write something similar, but you beat me to it.:D

I can only add to what Kelloggs said about 'homing in', really it starts with you, you have had 3 abusive marriages, I have had one, but what I did learn that if if I went out on a date or met someone, I would never mention I had been a 'battered wife' or he did this or that.
A certain type of man, and lets face it, at the beginning we cant see that they could be monsters unless we are physic of course, if they are that type of man, then they know you are a doormat, ie, married for 5 years, or 8 years etc, this potential abuser will see that you have put up with it for 5 years, so he knows that he has carte blanche to be abusive to you also.
If you come accross as week and subservient, then they will pounce, but come across as independent, dont take no karp, they will step back and thing, 'she is no pushover'

I found this worked for me, it weeded out the potential abusers, and I remarried again to a normal man who would never abusive me in a million years.

Just keep strong, be careful next time what time of man you take up with, sometimes there is the odd sign there in the beginning, but dont tell any future partner/boyfriend of your abusive past.
Hope all goes well for you. X

zztopgirl

I tried to post an update but comp lept crashing yesterday. He was indeed making up his FMS and sorry to anyone reading this who does actually have it but someone with FMS wouldnt be bouncing out of bed every morning and running up and down stairs. My gp says he sounds quite mentally ill, that he was projecting his feelings onto me, it is difficult to break free and I do get very angry sometimes, but everyday I get better:j

He is still trying to intimidate me and am waiting for police to ring at the moment, I hate being like this but all I am focusing on is me, getting a job, being with my friends and family and being a strong person. Keep getting told to grow a backbone, to stay strong, I will get through this and come out the other side.

Maybe I never recovered from or properly dealt with the issues from my previous abusive marriage, this time round however I intend to take all help that is offered to me and also to seek help to break this pattern of settling for second best, so what if I spend the rest of my life alone, its far better than living with an abusive man. I want to look at why I settled for the abusive relationships (nb: my 2nd ex wasnt abusive, it was only after his brain injury that he became aggressive which happens unfortunately), build on my low self-esteem and why I think I have to be in a relationship, etc, etc.

JBD

vaporate wrote: »

How about deciding why he was abusive. Cuts both ways here.

Are you trying to suggest the OP is responsible for the abuse?

zztopgirl

JBD wrote: »

Are you trying to suggest the OP is responsible for the abuse?

No, I am assuming they mean that I was too vunerable and open to the abuse, it sounds daft and maybe sounds that I am blaming myself for the abuse, but to build up my self-esteem and confidence so that I never end up in another abusive relationship. I could be wrong though.

I have a lot of hard work ahead of me but am prepared to do whatever it takes to break this pattern. Im not blaming myself for the abuse at all, have been told not to anyway, but as in my previous post, he projected alot of his anger and feelings onto me, hence why I became suicidal. I have felt great ever since he left which says it all.

Morglin

For what it's worth, when you next feel able to socialise with men, appear strong, and make it very clear that you don't take any crap from anyone and wouldn't put up with it.

Abusers seem to pick up on who will let them get away with it.

It may be that you need some help first with upping your self esteem, until YOU realise that no woman needs to put up with abuse, and shouldn't do so.

Lin

misgrace

Morglin wrote: »

For what it's worth, when you next feel able to socialise with men, appear strong, and make it very clear that you don't take any crap from anyone and wouldn't put up with it.


Lin

Lol So true, I did that, but at first I went the other way, so I came across as too strong, and frightened the life out of some men, ( I still do), but am not as bad as I was.:rolleyes:
The upside is that no one takes me for an idiot, and sees me as very shrewed and clued up.