Feeling Melancholy

beanielou

I think part of the problem is that its like all the kids are conditioned by the schools to go to university even though its not practical for so many to go & then go on & get graduate jobs.
Difficulty seems to be that they all seem so unmotivated to do anything at all at this age & so many seem to think the world owes them.
Its not easy.
There are many concerned parents just like you.

aimme13

my sympathies go out to you tesuhoha, i can relate to how you feel. We all want our kids to be happy and you can see that he is not.........this weekend i woke up on sat. morning to a letter from the local council telling me about a pilot scheme for teenagers who lack respect and self esteem......and guess what my 13 year old daughter has been chosen to attend as recommended by the school.......its run by the police/council and military!!!!!! by now i was feeling sick in the stomach..........ok she is no angel but hey she has never even got a letter sent home from school and now boot camp!!!!.......now the icing on the cake was i have to attend 1 hour a week 'parenting workshop!!!!!!' i was in shock to say the least and felt like crying..........well i was stressed the whole weekend and she point blank refussed to go on it........Monday morning i phoned her school and turns out she is not a badly behaved kid and the teacher agreed that the wording of the letter was not so good. Still waiting from the council for a reply to my many questions..........
Anyway it is very stressfull being a parent and over the weekend i was thinking about all the things i could have done different, but we cant change the past......dont worry about what you cant change, i am a single parent but when i was with my ex i made all the decisions and it was tough. Unfortunatly your son will learn from his own mistakes and it will be the best way he can learn, if you have (which im sure you have) taught him good values then he will hopefully find his way, whatever this may be just dont right him off as a failure..................good luck xxxxx

tesuhoha

Sometimes kids get chosen for things when it doesnt really relate to them. My son was chosen for a gifted kids week when he was 13 and well I would not call him that and I dont think his teachers would. Maybe your daughter was chosen because its an enjoyable thing and theyve chosen the nicer kids who will get something out of it. Dont think much of the parenting workshop thing though. There are some terrible parents at the school where I work and they dont get asked to go on these things. I think i would like DS to go on a boot camp. They can be very good and the kids can get a lot out of them and I think they increase their self esteem greatly as they do camping and chores and overland treks and exercise and survival stuff. Maybe it wont be as bad as you think.

aimme13

i know lots of people say its a great opportunity, it includes 2 weekends away......i just got very defensive with the 'who says im a bad parent' lol.
i worked at a school too so i know exactly what you mean. I did start to question everything over the weekend like im sure you have done......you see i taught my kids (and still do) to speak up and question things especially if you think something is wrong.....unfortunatly this has turned into her being rude to her teacher ( even though sometimes she is right) its all about authority which is what ive tried to explain........anyway i questioned myself many times and then thought that actually i wouldnt have done it any other way.

mountainofdebt

from one mother to another.

I was talking to my son's head of year yesterday and he told me about an alternative curriculum that the school hopes to bring in. When someone was describing it to him they asked him what was the thing he hated doing the most and he was then asked to imagine doing that for 7 hours, 5 days a week....and this is the way some children view school. And as he also said, everyone is good at something .......they may not be academic but they are good at something.

So I know you've got yourself into debt to pay for your son's education but have you spoken to him .....what I'm trying to say is, has he gone along with the idea of A levels and university becasue that's what's expected of him and not because he wanted to do A levels and go to University?

Do you think you and hubby would be able to have an conversation (and it not ending up in a shouting match?) with him?

Alternatively, if he does get on well with his sister could you not have a chat with her and see if she knows how your son really feels?

MushyPeas

Hi tesuhoha, thought I'd log-in to see how you are doing. I'm really glad that you're received lots of helpful suggestions from people. ((((hugs)))) your way and good luck!

calleyw

I am not a mother. But maybe he has lost his way in life and just really needs someone to talk to. Who are not family and not part of the school.

I know when I was 15 coming up to leave school I had no idea what I wanted to be or do. And kinded messed about a little bit at the very end. As I saw no point and no way forward for myself.


Maybe so counselling might help.


I wish you all the best.


Yours


Calley

Spirited_2

I know it is difficult to tell with teenagers, but I would seriously consider the possibility that your son is depressed. This can be treated both by talking and by medication, I would personally recommend both courses if the doctor thinks it would help.

The sleeping patterns, withdrawness, difficulty concentrating, percieved lazyness, inability to see the future or do things that he might enjoy whilst doing unhealthy amounts of mind numbing activities (like gaming, tv, alcohol and drugs), the lack of caring about what he's eating or what grades he gets etc are all symptoms of clinical depression.

Please create a non-threatening environment for him and suggest that you are worried about his health and that you would please like him to see a doctor, and you can make him an appointment if he would like. Explain to him if he is depressed then it's not how he should be experiancing life, that he may be ill and if he gets treatment then things will start to get better.

Please keep a close eye on him, young men are just as suseptible as young women to mental illness, and are more at risk of suicide.

Like I said in my previous post, it is difficult because in some areas you need to be more gentle with him, and in others you need to be more firm. You need to show him that you love him for who he is, and you believe in him, and that he matters (particuarly important if you feel that you leave him to his own devices a lot, he may conclude that you don't think he's worth the attention).

tesuhoha

It is possible he is suffering from depression. I feel as if I dont know him very well as he never has a conversation with me. He occasionally comes up and gives me a hug. My OH says hes suffering from depression but there are never any shouting matches in our house, just lots of silences. I dont think hes suicidal, hes so passionately involved in his World of Warcraft, I'm not joking, that anything like that would not enter his head. I spoke to my sister-in-law yesterday, the one who suffers from manic depression and she plays that game and she said it is incredibly addictive. My OH says that is what is wrong with DS, he has an addiction. I am reluctant to take it away from him as it is his main thing in life and hes twitchy without it. However we should be moving in the next few weeks and the house doesnt have the internet so he'll be without a computer for a few days. Itll be interesting to see how he gets on then. Unfortunately, we cant do without it entirely as I need it for keeping on top of things and ebay etc. The other thing he is passionate about is music, rock music. He plays the guitar (self taught) for enjoyment and all his music is stored on the computer so I would feel really rotten about taking the computer.

mountainofdebt

I just thought of ..

when I was doing my A levels (many many moons ago!) I found the whole experience truely stressful so much so that at one point I thought I was going to have a breakdown. It affected me so badly that even now, 20 years on, when I'm stressed my dreams all relate to this period of my life and they are truely vivid dreams, so much so I wake up in a cold sweat.

It was only when something minor happened that I admitted to my parents how scared of failure I was and this was in the years when you sat the exam after 2 years so gawd help me if I'd had an exam each year for 2 years!

My problem was solved when I started to talk to people so please keep the lines of communication open......you never know you might spot a chink in the armour sooner rather than later.