Feeling Melancholy

Spirited_2

It's odd, reading what you have said, I get the impression that there have been lots of expectations put on him - which makes things difficult for him, but he also seems to have been indulged in other areas too.

Please borrow or buy a cheap copy of Monty Robert's 'Horse Sense for People'. He is the horse whisperer, and to my mind he has a fantastic grasp on human relationships, he has also unofficially fostered many children - including troubled teens. His book has lots of ideas on how to deal with young men like your son, all kind but firm.

I think the way to begin is by first getting rid of your preconceptions. He is not his sister, he is not you or your SO. He is a young man, with his whole life in front of him. He's going to be who he is, not who you want him to be, and that's as it should be. Not getting A-levels isn't the end of the world and academia isn't for everyone.

Let things settle down if there have been any arguments recently. Give him some space and try not to nag him about anything. Don't do his laundry or anything either though. He might open up to you if you keep your ears open and your opinions to yourself. If not, once things are calm and you are behaving non-threatening to him, let him know that you want to know what he wants from life. Try not to be defensive or critical of his ideas. Keep an open mind, it is possible to make a career as a game designer etc, but I doubt that will be all he's interested in.

If he doesn't have any ideas about the future, then please consider the idea that he may be clinically depressed. It is difficult to tell with teenagers, but it is possible that he is. Be very careful how you tackle this.

Hopefully he does have some ideas of how he would like to proceed with his life, and he can research what is involved. I would suggest that you be as supportive as you can with this, you believe that he can do whatever he wants as long as he can put his mind to it. This should begin to repair his self-esteem and ambition, even if it is in unexpected directions.

In return for your support, you need to introduce some disciplin into his life, self-disciplin. Introduce this gradually using Monty Robert's ideas. This is so important as it is self-disciplin that will get him through life. Start with one area of his behaviour/tasks - come to an agreement about something he will do/not do and the positive and negative consequences of not doing it. Write it down and both sign it. It is so important that you stick to whatever you agree to - otherwise you can't expect him to do this same. The more input he has into the consequences - both positive and negative - the more he is likely to stick to them.

This takes confrontation out of the relationship. There is no need to get angry, and he won't feel that you are dishing out punishments. If he fails in his task/behaviour in the agreed time, then he must do his forfeit and that is the end of it (no bringing it up or extra punishments) and you make another agreement.

Good luck to you both, and I really recommend Robert's book, do try and read it.

lynzpower

Morning darling
"...maybe feels under pressure but I want to help him not push him because there arent many chances in teh world for the likes of him". " but our son is not at all practical"

I hope you dont take this too personally, but look at the mixed messages here darling.

There arnt many chances in the world for the likes of him - trash! there are opportunities in the UK for everyone.You say hes not at all practical, but hang on hes managed to rebuild a computer. Id hardly say thats not practical!

He can do things.
If he isnt committed to doing his exams, fine. you jsut have to write this money off, and accept that he made the wrong decision. Maybe thats why he doesnt want to talk about it, he knows you are in financial shtuck, maybe he blames himself, i can see why when the fees are so expensive.

Nows the time to just back off I think. Dont talk about what hes gonna do with his life, wait till the exams are over. Give him a couple of weeks after the last exam & then advise him in advance to start looking for a job you will be charging him say 70 a week bed & board. I think connexions isnt a bad place to start, they can start helping him job hunt or a training course or something. My OH started his 1st job building computers for a company, similar to dell. Started as an apprentice, and stayed for 7 years. I know i have said this before but IT might be up his alley. Plenty of quiet people do it.

I dont want to have a go at you hun, I know you only want the best for him, but you & your OH falling out, talking to him about the money, and going on at him is likely to close the lines of communication even more. So do be careful & give him space. Maybe if you apologised to him and tried to work out with him a plan of action that HE wants to do it might help.

Best of luck xxx

livinginhope

Please give the poor lad a break,he's only young and you seemed to have lived your life through him,it seems you have made him feel like he has failed you and now has decided to give up as he can't give you what you want,a univerity degree?.Have you actually tried talking calmly to him,instead of smashing up his computer?
This lad sounds like he has some issues but hasn't told anyone,at 17 he probably doesn't know what he wants to do in life,he can't turn to his parents because they have had his life mapped out for him,so he finds comfort in his computer games.
Is it really so important to do well at school,truth be known when have you needed much of what you learned at school? common sense is a better quality than brains!
Sorry if I have offended with this post,but I do feel for the boy x

Emmzi

Tesuhoha,

sounds like OH is not helping. Seeing it from son't point of view - which may not be right, but part of being teenage is the world revolving around you!!

Somehow OH has taken out his temper on computer, let the lad sit in a van all day on work experience, can't find 10 minutes to look on ebay for fishing gear, and if he has spoken about throwing son out, son will know, will pick up the vibes whether or not it has been explicitly stated to him.

Would I grow and thrive in that enironment? Not as a teenager I wouldn't. I would rebel in the only ways I could - a go slow.

FWIW, I think you need more support from hubby. You can't change the family environment on your own.

Good luck.

xx

Mrs(no)money

Good morning

Have been away for a few days and came back to read this post.

Hope you're feeling a bit more optimistic this morning? You have my utmost sympathy - teenagers...arrrgghhhh...who'd have em?!:eek: Well, me for a start ....three of them!!:eek:

I'm no expert , but I will try and explain how I feel.

Speaking from experience as a middle child, I would say that maybe your son lacks confidence....I had an older sister who spoke up for me, did everything first, was always the centre of attention etc....it left me lacking confidence in a big way, and even now (to an extent) I live in her shadow! Whatever she did, i was expected to do, not just my parents point of view, but almost everyones. I think you must try to accept that your son is your son and not anyone else and is unique for being him. Please dont try to make him anything hes not - it will only make him unhappy for not being true to himself. He will probably be successful in his own way and find happiness - he may just take another route.

Re the junk food - one of my sons eats junk when out. Solution here is to feed him as healthily as possible and gently remind him that the junk is doing him no good, nor his wallet!! At the end of the day its his choice to eat heathily.

Computer games - probably something he uses as an 'escape', and wouldnt mind betting he is good at - all kids play them so I wouldnt worry too much. BUT i would insist that he has the decency not to play them all night so that they disturb others. Also, remind him that if he wants to go study, how is he going to do that if hes had no sleep etc.....

As for where he continues to study if thats his choice... a bit more difficult but I would say to him that if he expects you to help him financially thru school, uni etc then he has to stop being so lazy, start acting like a responsible adult and making a regular contribution himself, whether thats to you if he continues to live at home, or part of his uni fees. He cannot expect you to do everything for him then treat you as he is.

I dont think for one moment he is a bad lad, just rather selfish, and they all are at that age. They dont give anyone or anything else a thought. As long as their little world is going as they want, they're happy enough. I think its worth saying to him that his actions are causing you great concern, and starting to affect you and the family. Most kids have a conscience (even if its not immediately obvious) and will eventually take what you say on board.

Finally, remember you are not a bad parent - its the only job you get no training for!:A

Go on! - give each other a big hug!

Hope things get better for you both.

Sea78

Hi,

Although my two are still very young, there have been several teenagers in our family who sound very much like your son!
I think there have been some excellent suggestions on here about just letting him get on with it - completely stop doing anything for him and let him just be to then see what he wants to do. Again, like has already been mentioned, he seems to be quite good at rebuilding computers! (an ex of mine used to rebuild computers out of broken ones and sold them to students on campus, did really rather well and maybe your son will discover that he would enjoy that kind of thing further down the line).

Try not to be too hard on yoursefl, it is diffcult, or too hard on him too.

I hope that all the suggestions people have given have helped.

Sea xx

tesuhoha

livinginhope wrote:

Please give the poor lad a break,he's only young and you seemed to have lived your life through him,it seems you have made him feel like he has failed you and now has decided to give up as he can't give you what you want,a univerity degree?.Have you actually tried talking calmly to him,instead of smashing up his computer?
This lad sounds like he has some issues but hasn't told anyone,at 17 he probably doesn't know what he wants to do in life,he can't turn to his parents because they have had his life mapped out for him,so he finds comfort in his computer games.
Is it really so important to do well at school,truth be known when have you needed much of what you learned at school? common sense is a better quality than brains!
Sorry if I have offended with this post,but I do feel for the boy x

I can see what youre saying living in hope but its not quite like that. I did not personally smash up his computer and TBH i was quite shocked when OH did it. I have not pushed my son for years and I certainly havent lived my life through him. If anything he gets a bit overlooked as we both have such busy working lives. I dont want him to have a university degree, it is him that says he still wants to go to uni. i have tried to talk him out of going on with studying because he so obviously cannot cope with it. He keeps on saying he wants to complete his A levels then like this morning, refuses to get up, (because he went to bed at 4) shuts the bedroom door in my face and stays in bed till 2, therefore missing school. Whats more he blames me for not waking him up! The thing is I dont want him to do anything specific, but feel that he must do SOMETHING. Otherwise when he finishes school he will just be a bum staying home on the computer all night, asleep all day. He refuses to talk to either of us and is simply not interested in his future. I can ignore that, yes, but he will end up as I say, a bum. I would be pleased if he went out and got a job cleaning toilets, at least he would be doing something. I dont know what the answer is but we are not pushy parents

tesuhoha

Emmzi wrote:

Tesuhoha,

sounds like OH is not helping. Seeing it from son't point of view - which may not be right, but part of being teenage is the world revolving around you!!

Somehow OH has taken out his temper on computer, let the lad sit in a van all day on work experience, can't find 10 minutes to look on ebay for fishing gear, and if he has spoken about throwing son out, son will know, will pick up the vibes whether or not it has been explicitly stated to him.

Would I grow and thrive in that enironment? Not as a teenager I wouldn't. I would rebel in the only ways I could - a go slow.

FWIW, I think you need more support from hubby. You can't change the family environment on your own.

Good luck.

xx

OH has done all these things but he works very hard and always has and he finds it very difficult to understand someone so lazy. He does try to understand him and be kind to him. He tries to talk to him but DS is unresponsive. I think in retrospect that DS was bullied at school and that is when he gave up trying but he has always refused to admit to us that he was bullied. At the time when he was 11 I heard a few stories from his best friend but could never get to the bottom of it. its not that we are being unreasonable, its just that he is going to end up very miserable, poor and lonely if he doesnt do something with his life. As far as we are concerned it doesnt have to be uni but we would like him to perk up a bit and have a bit of ambition for himself.

melancholly

i'm no parent either - but my mother resorted to a cold flannel in the face whenever i tried to stay in bed all day (although i think she only ever had to do it twice - i learnt pretty quickly to just get up!).

maybe he might be more interested in something like an NCQ in computing?! they're far more practical than some academic A level subjects and can be used as entry requirements for universities too. and it sounds like something he might enjoy!

it sounds to me like he just doesn't know what he wants to do, so is doing nothing..... maybe when he refuses to do what he should (school, homework etc) you should go on strike too. i bet he doesn't realise how concerned you are - he'll just interpret everything as meddling..... i think when you leave home there can be this realisation that parents are 'people' and it's not ok to always take things out on them or assume that they'll bail you out (happened to me anyway!).

if he does end up not doing any a levels, and having to spend a couple of years realising that he needs to decide to do something, then that might be what it takes. it's really really tough to change someone who doesn't want to be changed! you have all my sympathy - you care about him and that's the most paramount thing. good luck!

david_hellier

Give him a tenner a week, food and a bed. Nothing else. He's ruined.