Feeling Melancholy

tesuhoha

Just wanted to talk about the way I'm feeling and youre the only people I can talk to because OH refuses to talk, says hes suffering from depression. Its because we've tried all his life, to make something out of our son. We have spent the past year paying expensive school fees because he failed his GCSE's and we have put ourselves into more debt because of it. The reason we feel so down is not even because of the debt, although that is bad enough. Its because after a lifetime of encouraging and educating our boy, hes ended up lazy, junkfood addicted, computergame addicted, dreamer, immature, unconfident, nocturnal, disrespectful, wasteful, monosybillic, non streetwise, weak character with a lack of any kind of ambition.I could go on and on. I know a lot of you will say hes a teenager and hell grow out of it but I am not so sure. I am pretty sure he is going to fail his AS levels and I dont know whathe is going to do after that. There are very few unskilled jobs round here and what there is, well hes going to be competing with the tough streetwise, ambitious and hungry kids that I work with every day. He doesnt stand a chance and in any case, he doesnt even want to look for work so im going to have another battle on my hands. He stays up all night playing computer games and thats all he thinks about. He does no revision at home whatsoever. My OH smashed up the keyboard and the mouse but my son managed to put it all together again and OH has given up, says that his relationship has broken down with him. He has to get up at 5 so he goes off to bed and ignores the problem. when I say things it has no effect. I know we have brought him up all wrong but we both had extremely tough childhoods and we wanted to give our kids what we never had. Our daughter has her faults but she is at uni and she works very hard and is ambitious and she has everything going for her. The boy has been brought up in the same way but there is a world of difference. Today I told him that he has to write a letter to his old grammar school or the college to ask if he can go there next year as he will not be going back to the expensive school to do his A2s and I stressed that if he doesnt get the grades he wont b e doing his A2s at all but he is just not interested. I dont know how to get through to him he doesnt seem to realise that he is going to have to earn a living. Its as if he still thinks he is 12. I fear for his future and I know my OH is devastated about the whole thing. So the debt pales in significance to all this. I feel like my son has ruined his life when he has had so many chances and he hasnt got the strength of character or ambition or personality to get on in the world. He will never be able to afford a car or a house or holidays and I cant see any girl ever wanting him. Sorry to go on but its what im thinking at the moment.

MushyPeas

Hi tesuhoha

I'm so sorry you are feeling low. I'm not a parent so cannot offer any advice, but I can share with you my story. I know that many people believe that if you fail at school, early in your life, you will end up in a badly paid job. For many reasons I did poorly at school, only attended Fridays and came out with 3 very low grade A-Levels, not even worth mentioning. It just wasn't the right time for me. I feel terrible ashamed now about how I behaved towards my mum, staying in my room, feeling like nothing was worth the effort, uncomminicative, isolated.

After I left school all my friends moved away and I got some odd part-time, badly paid jobs. But then I joined a voluntary organisation where no-one judged me as the school failure, I was given responsibility and was suddenly motivated.

I made some good friends there and in the end moved away to start a new job and career. At 30 I'm now going back to education (studying for a degree), have a well-paid full time job and I'm about to buy my first house.

I just wanted to let you know that when I was your son's age I also would have thought there was no future for me, but there was. I was able to turn it around and maybe your son will be able to as well one day? Don't give up hope.

Here's hoping some parents come on board with some good advice. I hope you don't mind me contributing.

Take care, MP x

tesuhoha

I hope something turns him around like it did you, I really do hope so.

MushyPeas

Everything crossed that it does, he is lucky to have such a caring mum, but unfortunately (just as, ashamedly I didn't realise) he may not realise it till later.

Thinking of you x

all_hours

you could uninstal the computer games and take away the disks. if he fails his exams decide how he gets them back. he could earn them back one by one from doing chores around the house over the summer and other stuff like writing to his old school.

16-18 is young to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life. he hasnt found what interests him enough to make a career out of it. dont write him off as a failure just yet, help him find something he wants to do. he might benefit from a year off working then going back at 19 to do a2s.

tesuhoha

Thanks. At least I know i can come on here and get some sympathy. It does help to talk about it even though there are no easy answers. My OH has talked about kicking him out but if he did I would have to go with him as he would never survive. I dont think he would really do that, but he has said it a few times.

MushyPeas

Coincidence, but they were talking about strains between parent/children and OH tonight on radio. A lot of people have been put in the same situation as you. We are always here if you need someone to talk to, even if like me, we can't offer advice.

I just find it helps, one doesn't feel as alone

tesuhoha

Its finding work though. All the 16 year olds are leavingt this week and a lot of them will be looking for unskilled work. I could try Connections but there you have it I COULD TRY. I said it without thinking when I should have said, he could try. Sorry all hours theres no thanks button.

tesuhoha

Thank you so much. I must go to bed now as invigilating GCSE exams tomorrow. Will talk again tomorrow. Goodnight. xx

MushyPeas

Speak to you tomorrow, I won't be on till later but you can PM if you like.

Sleep well x

Chortle_2

I think you're being unnecessarily hard on both yourselves *and* your son if I am honest

I'm not a parent, so maybe I don't know what I am talking about, but maybe his attitude is in reponse to feeling 'pushed' - its understandable that you want your children to succeed in life, but you cannot MAKE them live their life your way. I don't see how comparing him to his sister helps either, maybe he has given up on himself, having decided that he can never live up to your vision of him, or compete with his sister? Like I say, I am no parent, so I can only go on my (fast receding!) memories of when I was his age... but I probably would have reacted the way he is if I was put under that sort of pressure too - its just how I am. I became very sucessful in my field, did well at school etc, but I chose my own pace and my own path, I know that if anyone had pushed me into doing it 'their' way, I would have rebelled against it! (what can I say, I am a stroppy, stubborn cow ) I didn't finish my a-levels, didn't go to uni, had no idea what I wanted to do when I was his age, but once I was working, I kind of 'fell into' accountancy, studied whilst working full time, and gained professional qualifications that way. It suited me a lot more than full time education, plus I was able to support myself whilst doing it, and got my first mortgage when I was 19...

As to where you go from here, god knows (sorry, I know that isn't helpful in the least ) But as someone else said, 16-18 is a very young age to be making decisions about what you want to do with the rest of your life... its also a time when your hormones are all over the shop, you've got pressure coming at you from all angles, you're neither an adult nor a child, and you barely know which way is up! Don't write him off yet... make sure he knows that you'll support him no matter what he does, and he'll come good