what should I do - advice please

paddy's_mum

In the OP's shoes, I think I would buy the cheapest replacement shower I could find and give it to her, simply because for a woman and a girl child, hygiene has got to be high on the list. Two people having to heat water to take strip washes and do 'manual' hair washing is going to be very time consuming - certainly longer than the couple of minutes needed to jump in the shower.

However, I would make it very clear that this is their Christmas present come early because of their urgent need and (as most others have said) not yet one more loan in the never ending funding of your sister's life. Sorting out the shower problem should also prevent your Mum being 'got at' but equally, it is for your Mum to learn to say no too - I'd bet money that none of you have ever said no to your sister for this situation to develop in the first place. Good luck.

neneromanova

does she own the house she's living in or rent it?

Surely if she rents it it's the landlords problem to sort out the shower. Unless she intentionally broke it. But if she owns the house, what is she doing borrowing money?

jackie_w

Once again many thanks to you all for your replies. I havent thanked you all individually yet as im in a rush but will do so later.

The £1000 I loaned her was so she could protect a trust teed she was entering last year!!!! I didnt want to loan her the £1000 because I didnt think it was right that the IP was asking her for this amount of money when she was in debt and tried to get her to go to the CCCS but she wouldnt listen, so in the end I caved in.

Someone was mentioning the interest on the argos card (sorry I cant remember your name), I dont pay any interest on the card because I always pay it off, so ineffect if my sister was wanting to buy a shower on the card I would pay it off at the end of the month when the bill came through. I only use the card for the buy now pay later, ie if at Christmas, I was spending some money on the card it would probably be buy now pay in say 6 months time, so the money I put into my saving account, then I pay the card off when the interest free period is up. Ive never paid interest on the Agros card so I cant remember what the interest rate is.

She has spoken to me this morning and has said that her ex is giving her £50 towards the bike next week (supposidly), Ive told her to use that £50 to put towards a shower but she has said she wont get a decent shower for £50 and the one she is looking at is about £150. There is a shower in Argos for £50 but there is no way I would get away with saying that this would be her Christmas present and anyway, this would have been alot more than what I was going to spend on her anyway, I was only going to spend £10 on her, and £25 on her daughter (her daughter is 7).

I do feel really bad, and I probably will get her the shower on the argos card, but i am getting to the stage where im like where does this all end!

She cannot manage her money at all. When she entered into the trust deed her mortgage rate was up at 5% based on the BOE interest rate, now its way down and we (mum and I) told her to put the difference by, but, she hasnt. We also told her not to spend the maintenance money which her ex gives us (this hasnt been counted by the IP, apparently they cant count this in , so ive been told), but, she doesnt put this money by either. She is always skint so I really have no idea what she spends her money on.

Im just so fed up about this, and if my Dh finds out that she has asked for this, then he will hit the roof, he doesnt even know about the bike yet :eek:.

busiscoming2

jackie_w wrote: »

Ive told her to use that £50 to put towards a shower but she has said she wont get a decent shower for £50 and the one she is looking at is about £150.

.

If you feel you must buy the shower for her then go for the cheapest, 'beggars can't be choosers'!!

B&Q do one for £40, which would be perfectly adequate. I can't see why she needs a more expensive one, sounds to me she wants the best when she isn't/can't pay for it!

paddy's_mum

From your reply, it is quite clear that this is nothing whatever to do with money - it's about you not being able to stand up to your sister!

What is truly going on when you can say that you lent her £1000 when you "didn't want to" so you "caved in", you wouldn't "get away" with calling the shower her Christmas present and you have lied (by omission) to your husband about lending money to your sister. Jackie - you're in a mess and nobody can help you get out of it - only you have the power to say "this far and no further" and mean it!

It also strikes me that you might be wise to tell your husband about the loan for the bike. He will be angry but not nearly so mad as he will be if somebody else (your sister once you say no?!) tells him about it. He would be right to feel that you are verging on disloyalty. Secrecy isn't healthy, and maybe he is the one to deal with your sister and get you out of this damaging cycle of exploitation and resentment before real harm is done.

It seems to me that a sister who is quite willing to use you in this manner over a considerable period of time is not very loving - if your marriage hits a bad patch over all this, is she going to be selfless and supportive and put your needs first? No ....... ? You've got your answer then, haven't you?

shellsuit

Why do you keep bailing her out?

Let her stand on her own 2 feet. She's got a child yet she's acting like a chilidish brat herself.

You have to take some of the blame ~ she keeps asking of you because you keep giving.

If I were you I would say No and tell her that you closed the Argos card down when you got the bike. She doesn't have to know otherwise.

She obviously doesn't need the shower as she has knocked back one already just because it's not the one she wants.

Nice to know her child won't be getting clean because her Mum is thinking of herself.

gwhizz75

If it was me then I think I would buy her the shower - although it would be the cheapest one I could find and I wouldn't let her be picky about it. She should be grateful for what she gets!

Could you ask her to increase the amount she pays you back each week/month? An extra ten pounds a month and it would be paid off within 5 months...

But if she can't get the money elsewhere, and she has a little girl to look after too... well, at the end of the day she is your sister no matter what and she needs your help. I do however agree with others that you should make it clear that this is the last time you bail her out and you are only doing it because having a shower in a neccessity.

lostinrates

I'd buy the cheap shower as a joint present for both her and daughter, it might not be a fun gift for a child but its a pretty important thing to be able to be clean and also, a gift to understand the limits of money is no bad gift for a child IMO. Especially in a year when she's had a big prsent like a bike.

maggied_2

I'm going to have to join the "say no" brigade as well. It's so cheeky of her to expect for you to shell out for something SHE can't afford. If she needed it that badly then she'd take whatever she could. If she wants something more expensive she'll have to find the money for it herself.....kind of how the world works.

If you keep bailing her out she isn't going to learn the value of money (I'm sure I'm not saying something you don't already know). I see from your profile you're a MFW - how is this helping? The fact you haven't told your OH means you know what you're doing isn't right.

Stand up to her - tell a white lie if you have to and don't indulge her again. There are worse things than a shower breaking - I've had to wash my hair in the kitchen sink before now, big deal! What if her boiler / car / washing machine / something more expensive breaks? Are you going to bail her out then?

Sorry to be harsh, I know it can be really difficult with families but she is taking advantage of your generous nature and you are both entering a cycle where she isn't ever going to have the money to clear the money she owes you.

londoner1998

jackie_w wrote: »

Hey there,

My sisters shower broke last night, and she doesnt have the money to buy a new one. I have an Argos card and she has asked me to get her one and put it on my argos card.

My sister already owes me £1000 which she is paying me back at £10 per week, and last week, she asked me to get her daughter a bike on my argos card because she didnt have any money to buy her it for her birthday, so thats another £100 she owes me which again, she has said she will pay me back at £10 per week.

Im actually quite annoyed that she has asked me again to basically loan her money. She knows I hardly ever use my Argos card, and also knows if I do use it I always always always pay it off so I dont pay any interest on it. I like to keep my argos card because I sometimes use it at Christmas for the kids' toys as they sometimes do buy now pay later.

I personally think she owes me enough money and have said to her that she can always use my shower or my mums shower, but, shes not very happy and has told me im being impractical and selfish!

Am i being selfish, should I just cave in and buy her the shower and let her pay me back the money. What would other people do?


Jackie xx

Don't lend her the money. She can start putting the ten pounds each week towards a new shower, or whatever she needs... it is her problem and her life. She must learn to have what she can afford and stop living beyond her means. When I want something that doesn't fit within the budget, I put a pound in the jar at a time until I have enough to afford it. That's how my dad used to take me on holiday- all the lose change and a 100 pesetas (of the time, equivalent ot a poundor so) a day into the piggy bank...

Stop the cheekiness now and don;t listen to the claims of 'selfishness'... yeah right, she is one to talk!