what should I do - advice please

paddy's_mum

I'm not being sarcastic but genuinely trying to be helpful when I ask if there is an assertiveness course available near you. This resentful situation can't be allowed to go on and on into the future and learning how to say what you want/need/mean may be of great value to you in the future. Good luck.

jackie_w

Paddys mum you are completely right. Ive been thinking about it all night cos I feel so bad. If I give her the money I get angry at myself for not standing up to her, if I dont give her the money I feel bad thinking that ive let her down, but shes letting me down too.

I think I need to have a right good talk to myself, and you are completely right I am in a mess ive only myself to blame and Im the only one that can get myself out of it. Well ive already said no to her, i got her txt message but I havent replied to it, and Im not going to.
No doubt though my mum will say somethign to me about it later when I see her, and it will be something along the lines of what my sister has said to me, to try to make me feel bad.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, and advice, its is appreciated.

Jackie

jackie_w

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I'm not being sarcastic but genuinely trying to be helpful when I ask if there is an assertiveness course available near you. This resentful situation can't be allowed to go on and on into the future and learning how to say what you want/need/mean may be of great value to you in the future. Good luck.

thank you paddys mum, no offence taken xx

Jackie xx

Violetta_2

Don't think you are being selfish, you need to draw the line somewhere or you could be doing this for years. You have done the right thing saying no, it's between her & your mum now. Sorry but if I had no money & needed to borrow it would be for the cheapest shower I could find the fancy dear one could wait til I can afford it myself.
Why doesn't she have any money though?

MrsAnnie

jackie_w wrote: »

Thanks again for the replies.

Paddysmum im not in a mess. I didnt want to give her the loan of the £1000 but basically my mum and my sister was making me feel bad because they were saying if she didnt get the £1000 to protect the trust deed then there was a good chance my sister would lose her house when the trust deed finished, and if she loses her house who is she going to come and stay with.....me.
Although I dont want to give her money it still makes me feel bad if I dont give it to her because its not as if im scrimping and scraping and my sister knows this. yes you are right, it isnt about the money cos im asking if I am being selfish by not giving her more money to buy a shower, cos she has made me feel like im being selfish.

yes I do feel bad about not telling my husband about the bike but my sister was sitting crying because she couldnt afford to buy her a bike for her daughters birthday, and again I felt bad.

The reason I wont get away with giving her the shower for her Christmas is because I will end up being moaned at by the rest of my family and they will make me out the bad one. They all know my sister owes me money but they wont see it like that. So even though they know she owes me money and they know she keeps asking, they will think it terrible if I get her a shower for her and her daughters Christmas.

I told my sister this morning I wont be getting her the shower, so she has gone and asked my mum for it, and she has said yes, so, theres my mums new tv up in the air, and now again, I feel bad cos if I gave her the money for the shower, my mum would still have her £150 which she saved up for her tv.

OMG!!!! I can not believe your own sister would treat you (or your mum) like this! It is appauling behaviour from an adult. However, she is only using all of you and treating everyone like cr*p because everyone allows it.

Personally I would have loaned her money for the shower because it is a necessity, but I would not have forked out for the bike or the trust thingy. But since her demands did not come in that order I think she is starting to really take advantage of your generousity - knowing her manipulation will get her exactly what she wants.

It is ironic that you are selfish if you don't buy her the shower, and you are also selfish if you buy her the shower for a Xmas present!!!!! Some families measures love in terms of money and that is a very hard mind set to break or overcome.

pinkshoes

Can I ask what you actually get from being civil to these people? Friendship and family is a two way thing, and it seems you do a lot of giving, but don't get anything other than guilt in return.

I would never lend to your sister again, as she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and not constantly sponge off others.

Is the shower definitely broken? Could it not be fixed?

Personally I would write off the £1100 and just not bother speaking to her again.

the_cat

Every time you say yes, you are giving your sister permission to ask again. When you say no and don't mean it, you give her and your mum permission to moan until they get their own way. If your dad moans about not getting a good enough present, you buy better next time, so he moans more often.

Until you take the issue fully by the horns, you will have no respect from them. Your financial situation may be more comfortable than theirs but that is because you manage it properly. How you decide to spend your money and on whom IS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS

Please stop this now. If your OH finds out you are giving away your (and therefore his) money to this parasite you will lose far more than the funds for a shower. His trust is worth far more than that, surely

the_cat

BTW the idea that your dad would not benefit from money towards the tv is laughable........ is he seriously saying he would never watch it?!!!!

and

It can hardly come as an annual surprise for your sister that her DD has a birthday at the same time each year, so it is not a case that she couldn't afford a present. It is that she couldn't be bothered to put some money aside for it. Harsh but true, I'm afraid

Reds-on-Sea

goodness me OP, I can only imagine what it's like having people around you like this. Your sister & your mum both sound extremely childish. It must be awful feeling "obliged" to give them money, and being made to feel bad when you don't.

The whole "Argos card" thing is a bit weird, does your sister only ask you to buy stuff from Argos because you have a store card? Either tell her you've cut it up, or get her to get her own Argos card and transfer your balance on to her card! See how she likes it.

I understand it's hard, but you need to make it clear to her that you're not a bank. If she needs a loan, then help her go to the bank and arrange an overdraft or loan. She has to take responsibility for herself and her child.

Don't take any guilt trips from your mum or sister when they spin you a sob story and how it's all your fault your mum won't be getting her TV - it's nothing to do with you! If you can't bring yourself to do that, then at least tell them you have your own financial situation to think about & keep any of your own new purchases on the hush hush!

I hate how some people just expect charity and never take responsibility.

Jei70

I don't often react emotionally to what I read on the boards, but I'm fuming on your behalf! Your sister is behaving like a spoiled brat aged 12 (at most!), and your mother is continuing to enable such selfish behaviour. At least you, yourself, can stop enabling her - don't give/loan her ANY more money until she has repaid you in full every penny she owes you (plus interest).

It's NOT your fault that your sister has no money management skills (except sponging off her family members) and no money (have you asked her where it all goes?)

It's NOT your responsibility to bail your sister out of her monetary problems.

It's NOT unfair that you have money and she doesn't - you have (I presume) earned it and saved it for your needs. She is welcome to do the same.

I hope you can see how you have to stop allowing your sister to use you.