I just do not know what to do

newbeginning_2

Let her know, then hopefully she'll get lost!!!!

And while your at it insist your other half changes his phone number.

I know this is going to sound really harsh, but seriously how long is this going to go on for? He needs to make his mind up now. You can't carry on like this forever.

I assume he's still seeing her as well? If so why should he make his mind up? He's got both of you just where he wants you by the sound of it.

Sorry to be so harsh but you really need to see how this really is, look at the way his friends and family. I know it's easy for me to say all this when I'm not in your shoes, but surely you can understand.

I know you still love him but do you really think that's enough if he can treat you like this?

Michelin

Tina, if he is still confused about whether he wants to be with you or her then he is not being fair to either of you . He's living back with you - his wife - but hasn't told her? He is just keeping you both dangling here.

I really think he needs time and space away from both of you while he sorts his head out once and for all. He also needs to talk to you - it is not good enough to just accept that he doesn't like opening up - this will never get resolved until the two of you understand why you have got to where you are. The problem started with the two of you and the other woman wasn't the cause but a sympton of an underlying problem that needs sorting out.

Could you consider a proper separation - where he lives on his own not with either of you - so that you can both take time and space to think and talk and try and get this resolved - I can't see how it wil ever be sorted as it is at the moment.

Take care x

*Louise*

tinatony1 wrote: »

she doesnt know that he is living with me again if she found out that would be it she would end it i believe, because she wants him to have nothing to do with me, thinks he has already cut all ties, so should i anonymously let her know i want to but am scared.

He hasn't even told her yet???

No wonder she is still contacting him!!! :mad: He needs to be truthful with her and not hide you away like a horrid secret. You're his WIFE fgs, he should be treating you with the respect you deserve.

And MAKE him change his number!

You are far too nice, I doubt I could have been so reserved if I were faced with your situation His phone number would have been the first thing to go...and any of that indecisive nonsense/thinking about her, he would have been packed out the door.

Pollycat

tinatony1 wrote: »

i just typed a long detailed reply to you all but i got logged out so it lost it, my day is really cr** so far.

I have tried to talk to him but he really doesnt like to open up, he has told me that he still has feelings for her and for me and cant decide.

she is a psycho because one minute she is saying she wants him back the next she doesnt because he hurt her so much, well come and live my life for a while !!!!! then you will know what pain really is like (sorry that turned into a rant)

she is still seeing her other married man, i have found this out to be a fact but he wont believe me when i tell him.

she got off her face a few weeks ago on drink and gods knows what else while her kids were still in the house (the kids texted H as they were scared)

My friend tell me i am not being a mug just extremelly loyal, i am not sure if i believe that though, i dont know why i am being such an idiot apart from the fact that i still love him so much.

our 2 friends that do know have both told him he is the biggest pratt in the world and even one of his sisters who he had confided in ripped into him last night.

the thing is i hate to see him going through this (i know i should think about me and not him like that but i cant) he is genuinely struggling with what is going on but all i keep thinking is that he shouldnt be, which doesnt help.

i know many of you will say that i am still stuck in the same place and that is partly true but you all know why

she doesnt know that he is living with me again if she found out that would be it she would end it i believe, because she wants him to have nothing to do with me, thinks he has already cut all ties, so should i anonymously let her know i want to but am scared.

Tina
there were a few points in your post that rang alarm bells with me.

Re his admitted feelings for both of you:
Is he still seeing her?
If he's telling you he's not, do you 100% believe him? And I mean REALLY believe him, not blindly trusting what he says.
Not many men are allowed the luxury of wallowing (which is what I personally think he IS doing) in a relationship with 2 woman who both want him. Usually one or the other says 'enough is enough' and makes the decision for the man.

Re her seeing other men:
Why are you discussing her (to that extent) with him?
Is it to try to make him see what kind of person she is?
Why doesn't he believe you?
Does he blindly trust her?
If so, you've a lot harder road to travel that I thought.

Why doesn't she know he's living with you again?
Didn't he tell her when he left her to go back to you?
If not, why not?
No wonder she's still contacting him - she thinks she still has a chance with him.
And why does she think that?
Because your husband has allowed her to think that by not telling her who he's living with.
You say she 'would end it" - end what?
This sounds to me like they still have a relationship.

Although it sounded like good news when you said he was going to spend Christmas with you, I think he's still playing both of you - and will continue to do so as long as you both allow him to get away with it.

sulkisu

tinatony1 wrote: »

she is a psycho because one minute she is saying she wants him back the next she doesnt because he hurt her so much, well come and live my life for a while !!!!! then you will know what pain really is like (sorry that turned into a rant)


she doesnt know that he is living with me again if she found out that would be it she would end it i believe, because she wants him to have nothing to do with me, thinks he has already cut all ties, so should i anonymously let her know i want to but am scared.

Tina,

How can you call her a psycho..? Her feelings are natural and perfectly understandable - one minute sahe wants him and then she doesn't. He is playing with her in the same way that he is playing with you, yet you choose to lay all of the blame on her. I know that she was wrong to get involved with a married man, but seeing how good he is at lying and manipulating you, there is no way of knowing what lies he told her or what he said to her. 'My marriage is over, we sleep in separate beds, I don't love her but we can't afford to get divorced, she'll do something stupid if I leave' are all common ones.

I think your final paragraph speaks volumns - i.e. the fact that if she found out about you and OH, she would end it. Because to me, that puts her in a different category to you, who knowing he has/is cheating, would still do anything to be with him.

I have read through the whole thread and although you appear to think that the current situation means progress, the fact is that nothing has really changed. He is still has two women on the go, the only difference is that before he was living with her, now he is back living with you. But the fact that he hsan't told her that he is back with you can only mean one thing - he has not ended his relationship with her. She still has his number FGS. Buying a new SIM - easiest thing to do.

You asked if you should you let her know that you are back together? If you do, if she has any sense she will end the relationship and he will have no choice but to 'choose' you - you will have won. Most women wouldn't want a man under those terms but having read your previous posts, I suspect that unfortunately you will settle for that.

I hope that one day you soon open your eyes and see what is staring you in the face, I really do. You and I have never met, but the thought of somebody wasting their life on a man who is clearly so undeserving, being disrespected every hour of every day, and settling for second best makes me sad.

Michelin

Excellent post Sulkisu. She is in exactly the same situation as Tina in that she is being lied too and dangled on a string too. Perhaps Tina and her should meet up, compare notes and sort it out with him that way!

tinatony1

i dont want to "win", this is not a game or a competition.

i want him to be happy and i want to be happy, the fact that i want us to be happy together is my problem.

i do see your point and if things were the other way arround i would probably tell you exactly the same thing but when you are in the situation it is so damn herd to get an objective perspective.

i know i am being weak, trust me i am fully aware of it and also a little ashamed but i also know that i am a strong (ish), fairly confident, attractive woman and i will fight tooth and nail for anything i treasure or see as important.

we are all wired in different ways, this is me

catlovin_gal11

Tinatony, I have only browsed through the posts, but I feel its time for your husband to wake up, see the wood through the trees and take responsibility for his own actions. He should face up squarely to this other woman, be honest and end their affair. If he can't do this, then what hold does this woman have on him? If he feels trapped by her, then that is not love. If he is worried about her actions , should he leave her, then that is not his responsibility, as long as he has been honest with her about where he stands. And thats what its really about. You say he has been 'struggling with all this' and yet it has been of his own making. Find out from him, what hold she has on him, and maybe then you can both move forward. After all, none of this is doing either of you any good. He can't have a wife and a lover, it doesn't work like that. Is it that he gets something out of the other relationship, that he doesn't get at home.? Find out from him what is it that is making him reluctant to leave her (or maybe why this started in the first place?). I know it's asking questions that maybe you don't want to, but I think you need to be facing up to things now you are strong enough to do so. You owe it to yourself and so does he.

pinkpig08

I have to admit that I don't think I could treasure someone who could treat me in the way he seems to be treating you tina. If he knows you're going to be there waiting for him no matter what then where is his incentive to do anything about it?

Michelin

tinatony1 wrote: »

i dont want to "win", this is not a game or a competition.

i want him to be happy and i want to be happy, the fact that i want us to be happy together is my problem.

i do see your point and if things were the other way arround i would probably tell you exactly the same thing but when you are in the situation it is so damn herd to get an objective perspective.

i know i am being weak, trust me i am fully aware of it and also a little ashamed but i also know that i am a strong (ish), fairly confident, attractive woman and i will fight tooth and nail for anything i treasure or see as important.

we are all wired in different ways, this is me

Tina, I totally understand why you are doing this - it is because you love him and you want it to work. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I don't think you are being weak - I think you are exceptionally strong - but what you aren't doing is moving this along. You and he have to be able to talk about this and get to the root of the problem if you have any hope of sorting this out.

As I said before, the other woman is a symptom and not the cause of your split. You say he is confused so he needs to get this sorted out in his own mind as well - for both of you. He needs to finish with this other woman once and for all, change his number and concentrate on you and him.

If you need time apart to work this out then take that time. And for him that means being on his own not bouncing between the two of you. Would this be an option? Could you take a few weeks apart to really work this out?