don't know what to do

sandhawk2701

My marriage has finally ended after 20 years.

2 weeks ago I finally plucked up the courage to tell my husband I could no longer put up with his drinking.
He says he hasn't got a problem just has a few drinks to unwind after work.
His few is 5-6 cans of lager and a bottle of red wine.
After the weekend of spending £100 up the pub, £50 on takeaways and £70 on a tattoo session I just felt I couldn't take no more.

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do because I was expecting im to fly off the handle and smash the house up, but he just packed a few things and went.

He just assumed I was having a hissy fit and I'd let him back home in a few days, but I stuck to my guns. Few days later he came back for some more things and even took the rest of the beer in the house, so much for saying he was going to stop!!!!

On saturday night we met up to talk things through and he said he would respect what ever decision I made, I told him that he had to change before we could start to work this out and he needed help with his drinking.His reply was let me move back in and i will stop. I said no you have to prove you can stop first.
We didn't really get anywhere so he dropped me home and told me to go and that it would be a 50 50 decision to split.

Sunday lunch time I geta text to say if i can't live with you I dont want to live without you take care x
I ignored it, then another 1 came through to say £10000 should cover the mortgage
Then at 8.30 in the eve me, the kids, his mum and sister all get a text saying sorry love you x

His mum gets hold of him to find out he has drunk 2 bottles of wine and taken 50 odd painkillers.
He got taken to A&E and is still in hospital now.
I haven't been to see him as I'm so angry and hating him.

He has cleaned out the bank account, so there isn't enough to cover the direct debits and nothing for food at all,
just don't know what to do now.........

belfastgirl23

Oh god what a mess.

Although I don't know if it's any help, the thing you hear most about alcoholics is that they have to hit rock bottom before they accept they have a problem and this sounds pretty rock bottom to me.

I guess the first thing for you to think about is that this is clearly a blackmail tactic, if you don't take me back I'll top myself. If you do take him back though, you send the signal that you're prepared to accept things continuing as they are. Do you have his mum's backing on what you're doing? Is she prepared to acknowledge his alcoholism? Personally I think you need to stick to your guns. Being angry should help you a bit, at least in the short term.

For the money side, I'd suggest seeing if you can make an emergency appointment with Citizens Advice to see where you stand benefits wise. You might also try posting on the benefits board here to see if anyone can suggest any routes for you. Do you have any family who can help you out? For bigger stuff eg mortgages etc, if you are going to have problems paying you need to let them know asap. I think the guys on the debt free wannabe board will be helpful on this front, eg helping you figure out how much to say or not to say. They can also help you prioritise your bills etc.

Sorry I can't be of more direct help, hopefully some others will be able to offer more advice. All I can say is look after yourself. And that I definitely think you have done the right thing for both yourself and your husband.

belfastgirl23

Just to add, it might also be worth getting some support for yourself from al anon

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

I have heard really good things about them.

MrsTinks

Practical advice coming up:

Call all your creditors and explain that you have split from your husband, he cleaned out the accounts before attempting suicide. You are dealing with it but you won't be able to pay this month - however you would be greatful if they could help you set up a repayment plan af of next month for the payments you miss this month IYSWIM?
The worst thing you can do is NOT tell them!
Will you be able to afford the bills without financial help from your ex? Go to entitledto and see if you are going to be entitled to anything more now he's not living with you anymore - like 25% reduction in council tax for starters if there are no other adults in the house.

2 bottles of wine and 50 painkillers is attention seeking - as is sending everyone a text in time to be stopped - I have lost friends to suicide and they did not leave anything to chance like telling people before they did it...
Not saying he doesn't need help, but that right now you need to see it for what it was - an attempt to manipulate you...
I'm glad you're still angry with him because taking him back as it is would not help him OR you to be honest (here talketh the step child of an alcoholic btw).

Moving forward - do you have joint accounts? If so then close them - stop all payments in to them that are yours and send a recorded letter to the bank telling them you have separeted and want them to lock the account with immediate effect. Then set up a basic account elsewhere in your name only. Any accounts of your he has access to you need to revoke it.

Food - contact your local church and see if they have a food bank - to my amazement we have one locally which when I work out how to donate to them I will be sending regular gifts to... also contact benefits office - I think there is a hardship grant or something like that you can apply for - not being able to feed you and the kids I would think qualifies...

Good luck and stay strong

kaj70

I only wanted to repeat the post above by Mrstine. I agree with everything she has said. In my opinion he is just trying a different tactic to get back into the house. he did try to tell you he would change, but that didnt work, you didnt fall for it. now he is trying the guilt trip. i am sure that there will be something else for him to try next.

Well done for staying strong and sticking to your guns. YOu did mention about him flying off the handle. Im not sure if you are saying that he is violent in any way. but if he is, or if you are scared in anyway, or feel intimidated by him then womans aid is a very good support system. they will offer lots of support and practical advice. they really do help to keep you strong.

When you are left in financial difficulty, you will be suprised how understanding companies, banks etc are. get in tuch with everyone as soon as possible to explain the situation. also just like stated before by someone, sort out your bank account. it is quick and easy to do. make sure you cover yourself for whatever happens. It is very hard emotionaly and draining having to cope alone. but you can get support.

stay strong and however you feel about him, which is probably a mix of feelings, remember why you felt like this in the first place, what was getting you down. feeling sorry for him isnt going to make him seek help. it just means you accept it, so nothing will change.

i wish you all the best. you have made the first step. it is a long road, but stay strong, and accept any help that is offered to you.

smartpicture

Personally, I would never forgive him for sending a message like that to my kids.

lolababy

Please take this on board, just because someone has informed people that they have taken an overdose does not mean it was attention seeking. Its a misconception that people who mean to commit suicide dont communicate.
Your other half needs help and support which I hope he now gets. I can see your angry and that he has left you in a bad situation financially but that can be sorted . Had he died would it have made you less angry.
If you go to the job center you can get a crisis loan even if your from a working household.
Will the bank give you an overdraft to cover your direct debits.

rachel6188

no advice, just huge hugs and i hope you are ok.
take care and stay strong xx

sandhawk2701

Thank you for all the advice.
I am going to phone work in a bit to tell them whats gone on and ask for a few days off compassionate leave to sort this mess out, they can only say no I guess.
It was my day off yesterday but I had the kids home and had to drive them to MIL so she could take them to see him as I didn't want to go anywhere near. So didn't get anything sorted.
Off to getthe kids too school, have a shower, roll up my my sleeves and tackle this head on!!!

sandhawk2701

have rung the bank, they say that the wrong forms have been sent out to remove me off of the account, I did this last week and he had agreed to sign them when they came, but it hadn't turned up.

the account has a £2000 overdraft which is up to the limit and I don't want to incur any charges, she had told me to stop the direct debits that are due out which i plan to do then call each company and explain the situation. I have the other joint account to use but his name is still on it but he doesn't have the card to that account, but have the form.

going to call the mortgage company now to see what they say.

Cheery_Daff

(((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))) hugs for you, sounds like you need them.

Just wanted to echo Belfast Girl and say get in touch with Al Anon. I lived with a partner who drank more than I would have liked (of the 4 cans of Stella before work in the morning variety), and it's hardly surprising what it does to your own sanity. Well done on sticking to your guns.

When I left my partner, he rang to tell me he walked in front of a tram.

Later he took himself off to hospital and got the help he needed, but i was no longer with him by then.

I've been going to Al anon for 5 years now, and it's been a great source of sanity, serenity, and lovely folk who've been in the same situation, which helps so much with dealing with the unreasonable behaviour and the feelings it conjures up in you. I don't know how old your kids are, but in some areas there are Al-ateen meetings to help teenagers deal with the effects of someone else's drinking.

So sorry you've had to deal with all this