Totally devestated

dontknowwhattodonow

Hi there, this is a new user name, I usually post under another. Please be gentle with me!

As the title says it all, i am devestated, I found out my husband has had an affair, for many years, not constantly but going back to the same woman. We have been married nearly 20 years, and I feel like my world has fallen apart. I found out a few days ago, and have finally got him to take about it today.

Not to bore you with all the details but the main bits were.

He loves me and the children to bits can't think of life without us.
He has a lot of affection for her - can't give her up.
She wants him to leave and go live with her.. apparently they have had many arguments about this, him saying he doesn't want to leave.
He doesn't want to hurt anyone, whichever he decides one of us and himself will be devestated.
He says there is nothing wrong me, it's his problem, and he doesn't know what to do about it
Apparently he doesn't see her that often, this has to be during the day, as he is always at home with us on a night and weekend.
He says he has tried to end it with her... not seeing her for months, but always ends up with a need to see her.

Now before anyone says dump him, you're well rid. We have been married for nearly 20 years, I love him and he is the father of my children. I took my marrige vows seriously.. for better and for worse and all that.. I am just so upset I can't describe how much it hurts. Why should I be the one to call time on this I haven't done anything wrong. That is his choice.

He says it might help if we spend some time together, get someone to babysit. I know we are both at fault with this, both work full time, and most of our spare time is doing things for the kids.. So I have suggested we try this to see if this helps, even just a walk in the park etc.

Thank you if you have read this far, I'm not expecting any replies, but it probably helps writting it down.

bank_of_slate

Of course he doesn't want to leave, he's had his cake and eaten it for years.

What do YOU want or is it all to raw to know at the moment?
...Linda xx

tizhimi

Screw what he wants.... its what YOU want. Do you want to be a door mat? Do you want to be "together for the kids" or do you want to live your life and do whats right by you.

Stephb1986_2

dontknowwhattodonow wrote: »

He has a lot of affection for her - can't give her up.
What's to say if he "Deleted_User" you his wife that he isn't going to carry on with this other woman

He says he has tried to end it with her... not seeing her for months, but always ends up with a need to see her.
He still carried on going back love

I took my marrige vows seriously.. for better and for worse and all that..
You did yeah but he certainly didn't, I don't remember it being anywhere in marrige vows about you should stay with your lying cheating scumbag husband but maybe thats me?

I know we are both at fault with this.
So it's your fault that he can't keep it in his pants?? I'm sorry but if you think it's your fault then he will carry on walking all over you.

I would seriously value my relationship and see if it's worth carrying on. I mean seriously can you forgive this when it's been going on years?? Weeks maybe, months maybe but years hell no!

Steph xx

Karen_30

Hello,

Just wanted to pop by and send you big hugs. You must be going through so many emotions at the moment and not know what to do for the best.

Take time to take it all in, it's raw right now and the main thing in all of this is YOU....look after yourself and take care.

Has he said that he is willing to give up this other woman for the sake of you and your family? Has he promised not to ever see her again?....maybe you haven't got this far....what he can't do is have his cake and eat it. That's not fair on you.

Take time to really think about what you want, how you feel you can overcome this. The trust has been taken away from you, how you deal with this is obviously up to you but it'll take a lot of time and work on his part to regain your trust.

Ultimately you have to do what is right for you and what you feel best - I/lovely people on this board/friends/family....can all tell you 100 different things and give you advice but you have to do what is right for you at the time and take each hour, day, week at a time. You will get through this no matter what.

I've gone through a break up (not related to an affair) nearly two months ago, one month ago he still thought he'd made the right decision.....nearly two months on (next week) we are slowly spending more time together, thinking we might well get things back on track, discussed him moving back in very slowly and taking one day at a time - even two weeks ago we weren't at the stage to even discuss the possibility of moving back in....so it just goes to show what can be achieved over time. Still a long long way to go and I don't even know if it'll we end in a positive way....only time will tell but things can be repaired if both parties want to...it'll just take time, dedication and lots of strength and courage on your part.

Wishing you all the best and I will pop by again to say hi and catch up.

Karen xx

AbFab

I am so sorry you are going through this.

No one can tell you what to do, but hopefully we will give you extra ways to think about things.

Yes, you took/take your wedding vows seriously. But I think they are null and void if he breaks the contract first. He promised to love and honour you. Is cheating with another woman loving and honouring you? He vowed to forsake all others. He hasn't done this. Marriage can only work if both people take their vows seriously.

If he doesn't see her that often, how can it be such an all-consuming love affair that he can't bear to finish with her?

"Whichever he decides"? Hon, it is YOUR choice. Yes, apparently some couples do recover from adultery, some apparently claim it's even made their relationship better. Personally, I can't imagine that at all, but if you really think you can forgive (you will never forget though), then you need to tell him to kick her to the kerb, and put serious effort in with you.

If you both work full time, how has he found the time to see her? If he has spare time, should he not be devoting that time to you and your children?

I don't know him, I want to refrain from passing judgement, but you need to decide if a man who can have a long-term affair, who says he can't decide between you and her, is a man who will knock this affair on the head and give your marriage all his effort. He's not even said he can do that. It 'might help if we spend some time together' - I am infused with confidence.

You are not too old to start again, to be on your own, to find a man who respects you and for whom you are his all.

Good luck whatever you do.
x

dontknowwhattodonow

Thank you for all your replies, didn't honestly expect an answer.
He is self employed, thats why he has had the time. He says he is confused about the whole thing, he knows me and the kids are the most important.
I honestly don't know what I want. If I hated him it would be a whole different ball game. I know I am not the mosst confident person around. But how can I tell him to go, the kids would be gutted as would I. How do I get back from that.. I will have been a failure

candlegirl

I am also so sorry you are struggling through this!

I think you need to take some time just for yourself and go away and do some thinking. You need to decide what you want to happen and then it is up to both of you to talk about it.

I went through this many years ago - although I did not have a long history with the bloke I still loved him but knew there was no way I could move on from the lying and cheating, I knew I would always cast it up and that would destroy us, so I decided to finish it - not him all done on my terms but you do need to take control.

Good luck and please know you are not alone!

juliescot

Some marriages recover from affairs others do not.
The trust has been broken between you, for whatever reason.

Could you carry on living with him knowing that he is seeing another woman?
If not the choice is fairly simple, he has to change or he has to leave.

I wish you well but take your time. He has been doing this for years, no need for you to rush any decision.

dontknowwhattodonow

I would love to take a break from it all to go think about it, but I have the kids to think about.. He's a man, cr*p in the house as regards to housework, organisation and things.
Yes I know I have been a doormat, and I have told him that. He says the last thing he wanted was to hurt me.
I don't have any real close friends that I could take to, also not very outgoing, so find it hard to talk.. although typing this is ok, although quite hard.

zaksmum

My daughter went through the same thing, except she'd only just married her husband then suffered the trauma of miscarrying their first baby (she wasn't pregnant when they married). She then discovered her new husband had not only been cheating on her, but had got the other woman pregnant. He left my daughter and lived with the other woman, and two kids later with her, SHE'S cheated on him!!

His father did exactly the same to his mother, cheating on her time and time again, and she kept taking him back for the sake of their 4 kids. She's in her 60's now and he's still cheating on her and making a fool of her.

What kind of a life is that for any woman? My daughter's moved on now and is with a lovely guy who can't do enough for her...and you can do that, too. Don't listen to him saying he's confused, that's rubbish. He would have been totally resistant to any other woman's advances if he really loved you.

If you would never have cheated on him, you are entitled to ask for the same respect in return. You are every bit as important as he is. He's played you for a fool and you need to stand up and be counted. Tell him to go to his little slapper and just see how long it takes before the novelty wears off and he comes crawling back to you begging for another chance.

Then tell him to sling his hook.

Big cuddle for you.