Totally devestated

fletch3163

Hi there

I just wanted to offer you my cyer support. I am so sorry you're facing such trials, truly. You have been given some great advice on here. In fact, although opposing views, etc it is all good advice, which seem contradictory and contrary. It serves to show how differently we all deal with trauma, doesn't it? It's the fight or flight thing we hear about. Do we stay and fight, or do we just fight? There's merit in everyone's views.

I (thankfully) haven't ever had to deal with this so I won't be offering any advice. What kind of strikes me though is where your husband's remorse is. I would have thought, once caught, he'd beat himself with a branch in the hope you'd forgive him. That's what makes it even more troublesome I think. He's had 13 years to be caught, which means he's had 13 years to think about what he's doing/done.

I absolutely understand your own changing emotions/opinions too. You're dealing with an evolving situation which is hugely unsettling for you.

Oh, goodness, rambling's catching . I wish you the strength to come up with a solution that's good for you. You might not recognise your solution immediately, wishing only for it all to stop. An old Scots saying "what's for you won't go by you". No comfort now I know

Anastasia

It's good to hear that you are angry and taking action. You have a very difficult journey ahead of you and it would really help to confide in one or two people close to you that you can talk to.

My OH had an affair after 18 years of marriage. He actually thought he could carry on living in our house until I could buy him out and he could buy himself a house. That would have crippled me financially and I looked him in the eye and said 'You are sleeping with someone else - you have to move out'. And he did, into rented accomodation the following week. He is still there two years on and we are divorced. I cried every day for 6 months.

Like you I was not willing to call time because I had done nothing wrong. Please don't get into blaming yourself. You sound like a lovely person but you need people on here to give you some truthful opinion about the situation. I was always in danger of being too soft with him but I had friends and family who helped me to be firm. My children didn't suspect anything despite a lot of tension between us. They have a better relationship with their father now and see him several times a week. We still parent the children together.

Someone told me that I would be happy again and I honestly didn't believe them but I am so happy now. You will be too.

An

Fuzzy_Duck

Hi, not really offering any new advice but I'm really sorry at what's happened. Please remember that it's NOT your fault, and you deserve to be happy. If you want to stay with your husband that's your choice, but he needs to be putting the work in. As horrible as it is you do need to determine what made him have an affair, and for this counselling probably would be the best option. It would also help give you the support you need during this tough time.

However, your husband needs to understand that he can't have his cake and eat it- he needs to make a choice, you and the kids or the other woman. If he really loves you he should be eaten away with guilt and be desperately trying to win back your trust. If you really think he's worth it by all means stay and try to make it work, but remember he should be the one putting all the effort in.

Sending big hugs your way, look after yourself and I really hope things improve for you.
xx

fabforty

dontknowwhattodonow wrote: »

Had a busy morning running the kids around, and a busy afternoon, washing, and clearing the kids rooms out. Feel ok today, probably because I have been busy.

I have arranged our wills aswell, so I know everything will go to the kids. This is what he wanted aswell, so I know he will keep to that part of the bargin, whatever happens. Keeping a very tight rein on the money situation, I keep checking things to make sure I have it right. I phoned the tax credits.. they gave me an estimate on what I should be entitled to..which sounded good, realised when I came of the phone I gave the wrong amount for my wage, I gave before tax, she wanted after tax.. so I should qualify for a bit more, should I need too.

Barginhunter - According to him the kids have never seen her, but she has seen pics of them on his phone. She also claims to have been on my facebook page and looked, which is unlikely, as I have it set to the highest privicy setting.... sounds like she telling a little porkie there then!

Karen/Sammyjammy - the appetite isn't too much of a worry - could do with loosing a few pounds! Although I did manage a jacket potato with cheese for tea.

Out with the kids again tomorrow, and back to work on Monday, which I am dreading a bit, have to put on a brave face.

Thank you all so much for your comments and thoughts, you have all given me some ideas to use, I have another load of washing to get on the airer, so best go do that.

Will keep updating this, as I know it helps as I type.

Assuming your husband has access to your facebook, then it is very likely that she is telling the truth and she has seen the photos on there.
I know you say that the children know nothing about it and that you are trying to protect them, but can I tell you what it's like from a child's point of view. My father couldn't keep it in his pants. I'm not sure when I first became aware of it, but I was certainly younger than your oldest child. My mother who was a strong proud woman, changed over the years as a result of being in a marraige where there was no respect and just constant infidelity. Like you, she made a decision to stand by her man. It never changed, he only stopped screwing around when he got to old to attract other women. They are still together, both parents in their early 70's, but it's not the happy growing old together scenario that they probably envisaged years ago. They are like two strangers in the same house - Mum 'won' in the end, she held on to her man amd kept her family together and as soon as my siblings and I were old enough, we got the hell out of that miserable, depressing, opressive house. You have to do what you think is right, but don't assume that by getting him to stay in your home, you have 'won' your husband back. I wish you luck, but I suspect it's your children that will need it in the long run.

celler

Sorry you are suffering this.
Feel frankly you and the kids deserve better .Its never to early to teach children about self respect,trust,honesty and hope they will understand .
Would imagine a lot more people know than you/he might expect.
Good Luck

alm721

Just wanted to say hope your ok and that only you can ultimatley decide what you want. Lots of people will say throw him out/leave him and that its best that the kids don't see you as being a doormat. Others will say fight for him but whats right for one person isn't right for another and whilst some would be totally unable to get past this(nor have any desire to do so) others can and would want to do so. There's no right or wrong here its about how YOU feel but it will take time for you to decide and you will swing backwards and forwards between what you want. I do think though from what you've posted your hubby will find it very difficult to give up this other woman and you need to think about how you feel in response to that. Whatever happens is likely to affect your kids in some way. My father left my mother after several affairs, she forgave him once but he left 10 years later after the latest woman he was having an affair with threatened to tell my mum if he didnt. Unfortuatly the woman he left us for didn't want /like kids and wouldn't have us round at her house. Consequently our previously doting father practically stopped seeing us over night. He never had time for us and she made us feel very unwelcome on the few occasions we did go to their house. I have very little relationship with him now as he devastated my childhood, so much so that I ended up marrying my hubby primarily becasue I was certain that should we ever split up and have had children he would never ever leave them. Honestly what basis for a marriage is that! I'm only mentioning this as lots of people are saying how bad it is for the kids if you stay together, I just wanted to point out it can also be horrendous if parents don't, it's certainly had far reaching consequences in my life.
Again the point is theres no right/wrong , unfortuately whatever happens you're kids will be somewhat affected and what you think may affect them the least actually may not, therefore its not necessarily the best basis upon which to make a decision. I realise this post has probably not helped and is just more rambling but I think the point I was trying to make overall is do whats best for you! not what you think is best for everyone else!