Totally devestated

Chrisblue1962

Hi Dont knowwhattodonow

I havent got any gems of wisdom but I wish you all the best in the whole world. There are some really really nice people on here and I am sure their kindness, wisdom, humour and intelligence will help you decide what is the best course of action to take for you and your children

Heartfelt best wishes - we are all here for you.

What "she" (the other woman) needs to think about is.."If he's cheated on his wife AND children for this long, WHEN (not if) is he going to cheat on me?"

.

whitewing

How did you find out, if you don't mind me asking? Just wondering if someone 'wanted' you to find out.

I agree that the children don't need to know anything for now. I thought they may be older and have an inkling. Bless their innocent hearts.

I think you are absolutely right to take your time in dealing with this, and making sure that finances are in order.

How/where is your husband?

If you haven't already told your family members, I would keep quiet for now, until you definitely know what is going to happen (or can be reasonably sure; men can be a pain for shilly-shallying). If you need to talk, really talk as opposed to coming on here, then maybe best to use the Samaritans or someone who doesn't know you.

dontknowwhattodonow

None of the family know (on both sides), they will if there is something to tell them.
I found out by reading an email. I wasn't snooping. He has a work email account, I had to find an email, and saw one he had sent to his friend saying - I am out with xxx, i know its wrong but i can't help it,... which he hadn't deleted.

He's at home, naturally quiet, been nice etc, I am trying to sound positive as if I can handle this, let him know what he would be missing. I keep saying to myself - I haven't done anything wrong, it's not me.
I will keep you all posted, as you have been so nice to me.

Thank you

whitewing

Well done you for keeping so calm. So his friends are in the know too? I don't know how you're not strangling him.

I think you will need to speak to someone tomorrow. Don't bottle it all up. I'd be furious even if I did want to keep the marriage.

geminilady

dontknowwhattodonow wrote: »

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me, I'm overwhelmed by all the replies.
I have had time to think a bit. I want to get my bits and pieces in order, making sure life insurances, mortgage, wills etc are all in order. If he cares that much he will make sure everything is covered for the kids. If I know I am ok to survive finanically on my own that would be one less worry if it was to happen.

The more i think about everything, the amount of time he has spent with her, in my mind it is more like seeing a prostitute not "the other woman". I don't condone that either, just trying to think things through.
I know I can't go on like this forever, but if i can do one thing at a time, i will get through it either way.

Emmzi- I asked him this question --- he said he would be distraught, his own words.

Whitewing - the kids don't know anything, its is not their problem to worry about, they are 13, 9, 5.

I can't shout and bawl at him, that's not in my nature, I just talk and listen. Whichever way it turns out I just want the kids happy, I will be happy if they are.
Sorry - rambled again

Thanks all of you.

Sorry but i don't think men have "a lot of affection"for a prostitute,they do not usualy go on seeing them for years or say they cannot give them up.I cannot believe you are trying to miminise what your husband has done to you and your family.Of course the women is also to blame if she knew from the start he was married but your husband chose to see her.A lot of posters have asked questions which you have not answered,i understand you are still in shock but it is hard to comment when we do not have the full picture.As other posters have said i also think it would be an idea to have some sort of contact with the women as at the moment you have only your husbands word about the relationship.I was in a similar situation years ago,my husband had an affair and said he had feelings for both of us,to my now shame i let him go backwards and forward between the two of us until she got cancer and he had no choice but to stay with her,long story.Anyway i did have contact with the women and found out he was telling her it was for the kids that he kept coming back to me.Your husband could be telling her the same that he cannot leave because of them.I know you say if your kids are happy so will you be but i doubt that very much once the trust has gone it is almost impossible to get it back.Now you know about the women can you really live your life wondering if today will be a day they will meet? even if he says he will give her up can you believe someone who has lied to you for years?

gordikin

Tell him it's either you and your children, or her...his choice....and demand an answer by the weekend.

zzzLazyDaisy

I just came across this thread, and haven't read it all the way through.

But I just wanted to say that I have known two men who have done this. Both were utterly infatuated with the 'other woman' but equally did not want to give up their 'real life' with their family.

Sadly, in both cases, the 'other woman' did not know he was married until she was in too deep, and in one case wasted years believing he would leave when the children were grown up, only to have her dreams shattered when another baby came along. In both cases the wife eventually found out and fought for her husband. One actually went round to the house where he was, banged on the door, and ordered him back into the car - and he did as he was told!

I have no doubt that if the wife had kicked the man out, he would have ended up with the mistress, because they were weak and spineless creatures, both of them. But the point is, in both cases the wife did not kick the husband out. In one case, the other woman did a moonlight and although he tried to contact her, he never saw or heard from her again and is still with his wife. In the other, the man gave up the other woman, but years later the wife had an affair and left him.

All I am saying is, it doesn't HAVE to be a case of kicking him out. OP can choose to fight for her marriage and that is a valid response, especially where children are involved. She can also choose to take whatever steps she wishes to take, in her own time, and in her own way.

Whatever you decide to do OP, take your time, even making no decision is sometimes a good decision.

Daisy xxx

Bettyboop

Hi, I know exactly what you are going through, the feelings and everything. My world fell apart 1 month ago today. I have my ups and downs. My husband's wench is not living in our town anymore so she said but betrayal is the worst thing that can happen to any marriage. You sound lovely and even though we both love our husbands at the same time we don't deserve what they have bought on us and our children. Just recently I have started to get irregular hearbeats on a frequent basis to the point of not being able to breathe properly. Please try and look after yourself and your health. I wouldn't want your health and wellbeing to deteriorate like mine has. Wishing you all the best OP, it's going to be a long ride. x

happy_winner

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Been there myself, where my husband cheated under my nose for over a year. It is devastating experience, it is hare to split you worked so hard, it is hard to bring the kids without of father around, but deep in my heart I knew I could not forgive him or compete with the other woman. I could not lower myself to be a doormat, so I let him go, but in 3 months he came back. During that time I acidentaly met a man my husband intorduced to him a few month back. Somehow we ended up dating, it was the best cure I ever had, and the best revenge to my ex who was fuming. I rebuilt my life from ashes, but I never had any regrets to trying to save my marriage. When there is a plate broken, even you use the best glue to glue it, the crack will be always there. Eventually I met my Mr. Right to who I told if he is not happy he is always free to go, but if there is affair under my nose I will make sure to repay the favor. Cruel? Maybe, but let them feel the pain and spend money on medical bills suffering from the depression.
Do what is right for you! Kids will always understand you.

dontknowwhattodonow

Morning to you all, you have all been great to me, giving me some things to think about etc. I didn't sleep much at all last night, thought I felt ok, but obviously not.
Today I am going to sort the bank out to make sure I am covered for everything. Making sure I have a seperate account for direct debits so i know they will get paid.
My thoughts are still all over the place, I have no idea what I want or to do as yet, I think that will come in time. Apparently "she" is on holiday so I know he can't see her for the next week or so. I don't think it has been going on for 20 years, but it might aswell have, I know it started before my eldest was born (13).

Sorry I haven't answered some of your questions, if any one asks me something i will answer as honestly as I can,, I think that will help.

If it seems like I am rambling, I apologise, I find it helps a bit to use this as sort of a journal.
I have 2 days of work, there is no way I could concentrate at work. If he left me and the kids, I think I would be able to manage. As for finding someone else, who in there right mind would look at me with 3 kids.
My thoughts at the minute are finances as I have said, and when I have sorted this I am going to tell him, If you live under this roof you will have no contact with her, if you want to see her you can go and move out.

I never knew I could hurt this much.