Totally devestated

Dancing_Shoes

It must be a massive shock for you at the moment so no need to rush any decision YOU want to make. To start with I would be telling him if he wants to remain in the home/marriage he HAS to give her up!
Then you take time to decide what is right for YOU and the children, try and get out and find yourself. It is at your lowest points in your life that you will somehow find an inner strength that will help you through:grouphug:

persian_star

whitewing wrote: »

Do you know the other woman?

I think I'd have to pop along and have a chat with her? Normally I wouldn't bother in the sense that your husband is making his own decision to cheat on you, but being as it has been going on for years and she must know every little detail of yours and your children's lives, I'd be wondering what she had to say about it all.

I feel immensely sad for you.

I agree. From what you said it sounds like she honestly believes that he will one day leave you for her, in which case he's not being fair on either of you. What he really needs to do is, in front of both of you, tell you who is most important to him. He can't have both of you, and you should both know who he honestly loves. It should not be his choice to carry on, it should be yours and hers to deal with it once and for all.

I send you my deepest sympathy - in some ways it is his lack of honesty over the past 20 years that is most upsetting. From here it can only get better though, and never ever think of yourself as a failure - it is he who has failed your marriage, not you. But he does need to make a choice, it is the coward's way out for him to say he cannot keep away from her, he needs to have the willpower to do it, it is not impossible, and if he wants to be fair to your marriage, he should make the effort.

*big hugs*

galvanizersbaby

Dancing_Shoes wrote: »

It must be a massive shock for you at the moment so no need to rush any decision YOU want to make. To start with I would be telling him if he wants to remain in the home/marriage he HAS to give her up!
Then you take time to decide what is right for YOU and the children, try and get out and find yourself. It is at your lowest points in your life that you will somehow find an inner strength that will help you through:grouphug:

I agree with this post

OP your husband sounds like a very selfish and weak man - who clearly wishes to have his cake and eat it.
You imply that he is unwilling/will be unable to give this other woman up even now that the affair is out in the open and he must know how hurt you are so I would take my time to consider the options if I were you.

If he is to stay with you and continue his affair it may be possible for you to accept this and continue in your marriage living your separate lives?!
Only you will really be able to make this decision.

I personally know what I would do but it is your decision to make in my opinion - not his or his mistress

Good luck x

belfastgirl23

You're in a very tough situation now and I don't envy you it at all. First thing to say though is that a lot of us have been there and can remember the pit of your stomach feeling and just how awful it all is. But we have all survived. So first thing, try to have faith that you will survive this and that you are right now in the darkest part of the woods but it will gradually get brighter.

At this point you'll be so dazed that it's just really about staggering through the days for a while. And that's fine. but there comes a certain time when you can't cope with the uncertainty any more and you start to get angry. And then the time comes when it's better to have any decision than to be in limbo any more. I kind of think this is what will happen to you. We can all give advice but all you can do is live by your own feelings. At this stage you're still grieving and shocked so just let it be and do what feels right for you.

I sort of disagree with some of the other comments here in that I think you are also right to look at yourself and your own relationship with him. Not to shoulder all the blame but simply to try to assess what has gone wrong. And to look hard and see whether you are as happy in the relationship as you might be too. And to make sure there is something there worth fighting for beyond habit.

In the meantime hold onto the fact that one day you WILL be happy again, either with him or without him. Because you will.

rocketdog_2

Well the ultimate decision is up to you, and whether you can handle him having the other woman in his life forever - why would he give her up now if he hasn't for the length of your marriage? He has acted dispicably. How long will this continue - another 20 years or until he does decide to leave you? What an awful situation to be in - with an awful man. He's been living a double life!

I would pack his bags and make the decision for him - out and stay out for good.

inkie

You refer in one of your posts about marriage vows and sticking through thick and thin. One of the agreements that you both willingly entered into was 'and forsaking all others, keep you only unto her (him) as long as you both shall live'.
You husband has not been able to keep to this, and as a result of his actions has probably totally destroyed any trust that you shared. No need to make a knee-jerk reaction, but really weigh up things in your own time. Can you face being married to someone who you can no longer trust and who has been deceitful towards you and the children?

londoner1998

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

You're in a very tough situation now and I don't envy you it at all. First thing to say though is that a lot of us have been there and can remember the pit of your stomach feeling and just how awful it all is. But we have all survived. So first thing, try to have faith that you will survive this and that you are right now in the darkest part of the woods but it will gradually get brighter.

At this point you'll be so dazed that it's just really about staggering through the days for a while. And that's fine. but there comes a certain time when you can't cope with the uncertainty any more and you start to get angry. And then the time comes when it's better to have any decision than to be in limbo any more. I kind of think this is what will happen to you. We can all give advice but all you can do is live by your own feelings. At this stage you're still grieving and shocked so just let it be and do what feels right for you.

I sort of disagree with some of the other comments here in that I think you are also right to look at yourself and your own relationship with him. Not to shoulder all the blame but simply to try to assess what has gone wrong. And to look hard and see whether you are as happy in the relationship as you might be too. And to make sure there is something there worth fighting for beyond habit.

In the meantime hold onto the fact that one day you WILL be happy again, either with him or without him. Because you will.

Hey, I am very sad to hear of what you are going through right now. You must be in complete shock. But I think Belfastgirl is gving very good advice here. I will not say kick him out, leave him or whatever. There are many reasons why people choose to remain in relationships and however much everybody can disapprove of it, it must be respected. Twenty years is a very long time and I appreaciate how you feel about this. A lot of couples get over affairs and move on from there with lessons learnt. It takes an almost superhuman amount of strength, but there are a lot of reasons why people have affairs and I have always thought the affair is the tip of the iceberg.

I agree that it would be very good for you, even as a personal exercise (and whatever you decide in the end) to examine what happened in your marriage to come to this point. Remember that whatever you decide, you will have support and people that care for you. You will get over this. Right now you need to let all this settle a little bit so that you can assess what you real feelings are and what are you going to do next.

In the meantime, please take care of yourself. Remeber that this will pass too and at the end of it you will be stronger person, ready to be happy again.

zaksmum

You need to consider the effect of all this on your kids too. If they know what's going on, you will be sending them the message that a man can treat you as badly as he likes and you will roll over and let him. They have to know about self respect and self esteem, to be taught they are as good as any and better than most. Their needs and feelings are no less important than anyone else's.

If this woman thinks it's fine to have an affair with a husband and father, she's trash and what goes around comes around.

My daughter was such an emotional wreck that we had serious concerns she'd do something to herself. She struggled to get through each hour, never mind each day, and needed full support of family and friends.

But she's happy again now, and she's realised her ex was just one of the idiot scumbags you have to endure along life's way. Someone else's problem now. She came out the other end...and I promise YOU will, too.

None of this is your fault. Don't allow him to make you a victim - you CAN be strong and you DO deserve better.

Emmzi

simple question, how do you think he would react if you had a boyfriend?

dontknowwhattodonow

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me, I'm overwhelmed by all the replies.
I have had time to think a bit. I want to get my bits and pieces in order, making sure life insurances, mortgage, wills etc are all in order. If he cares that much he will make sure everything is covered for the kids. If I know I am ok to survive finanically on my own that would be one less worry if it was to happen.

The more i think about everything, the amount of time he has spent with her, in my mind it is more like seeing a prostitute not "the other woman". I don't condone that either, just trying to think things through.
I know I can't go on like this forever, but if i can do one thing at a time, i will get through it either way.

Emmzi- I asked him this question --- he said he would be distraught, his own words.

Whitewing - the kids don't know anything, its is not their problem to worry about, they are 13, 9, 5.

I can't shout and bawl at him, that's not in my nature, I just talk and listen. Whichever way it turns out I just want the kids happy, I will be happy if they are.
Sorry - rambled again

Thanks all of you.