Totally devestated

myothercarisaferrari

Hi dontknowwhattodo, alothough my situation is different to yours I know how you feel with the hurting.

I am packing up the last of my things from our house before I move 4 hours away from him and the life I built.

Please take care, please please don't let him decide what he wants to do. Give him an ultimatum - its only fair to you and your children.

you're in my thoughts x

[Deleted User]

It sounds to me as though you both need to do a lot of talking so how about trying to arrange a couple of days away, just the two of you. Something must have been going wrong and perhaps it could be put right and the marriage could be saved

Don`t just do what some advocate ie walk out. 20 years is worth trying to save

dontknowwhattodonow

I know I have to give him an ultimatum, but I have got it into my head, if he says he is leaving, not me telling him to leave, he is the one that broke the family up not me. I know he has probably done that already.

See I said I would just write random thoughts down. I think it is helping a bit

dontknowwhattodonow

Kittie - Thank you, I also think this is what we need to do. I know one of my faults is not spending enough time as a couple. But when both work full time, then, do things for the kids etc there is not a lot of time left for us to do something.

amandada

Random thoughts are good because eventually they become less random and you can start to see a way forward.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Whatever you do, take your time to think through all your options and don't make any rash decisions...there might not be a decision to be made. I know that before I had children I always thought that if a man cheated on me he'd be out the door. These days I don't see things as being so black and white.

The only piece of advice I can come anywhere near giving is that I know you're thinking of your children and their happiness, but within that, remember that you do have to put your needs in there too-although they're relatively young, they won't need to live with you forever. I know of some people who have stayed with a partner in similar circumstances as you, but with the proviso of splitting once the children have grown up a bit. This has definitely backfired in more than one case as the "adult" children have coped with the circumstances of a separation a lot worse than had it happened when they were younger, and feeling that they bear some responsibility for the parent feeling they "have" to stay.

Then again, I have a relative who left his wife and children for the "other" woman, who obviously saw the lifestyle he had with them and thought she'd have the same. What she didn't take into account is that he had that lifestyle because he didn't have to maintain a wife and children too....boy did she have her eyes opened!!!! They now have the life they deserve together, whilst his ex-wife has married the most fantastic guy who gives her the life SHE deserves!:D

dontknowwhattodonow

Well I know he would have a total shock if he went to live with her. First he would have to pay us maintainance, plus she doesn't like kids really "shes not a motherly type". And I can't see her putting up with him taking the kids out to all their sporting activities over the weekends. I know he would be worse of with her.

I have arranged to go to the bank later, so thats another thing on my to do list.

cakeordeath_2

It's great to hear thet you are getting your finances sorted, this is a very positive step because it will mean that if you do decide to let him stay it wont be just because you're so worried about coping on your own.

You are being very strong....I bet you suprised yourself there....I admire you. be careful not to keep taking it on and being reasonable and considerate for everyone else until you burst! your own happiness IS very important and maybe your kids will be happy if your happy too, not just the other way around, you know?

Take care.

zaksmum

dontknowwhattodonow wrote: »

Well I know he would have a total shock if he went to live with her. First he would have to pay us maintainance, plus she doesn't like kids really "shes not a motherly type". And I can't see her putting up with him taking the kids out to all their sporting activities over the weekends. I know he would be worse of with her.

I have arranged to go to the bank later, so thats another thing on my to do list.

Maybe - just to call his bluff - you should tell him that if he's going to her, you will need some time on your own to get your head back together. So tell him he will have to take the kids to her, too, as you don't feel up to all the childcare stuff right now, after the shock you've had. Just for a few weeks, of course, then you'll see about having them back...

Let him go and tell her he comes as a package with three kids, and see how attractive he looks to her then. He won't see her for dust!

dontknowwhattodonow

zaksmum - no I couldn't do that, I don't want my kids anywhere near her. I have already told him that. Aparently hes been told by someone she can be a bit of a handful...... and he still wants to see her!?!!???? Go figure. He would see enough of the kids anyway, I would never deny him that. He wouldn't have time for her because of the kids.

Stephb1986_2

He's a scumbag I was sat here thinking maybe 1-2 years but over 13 years!!! I mean come on love wake up smell the coffee he has cheated on you for more than half of your marrige!!! The words I really want to say aren't allowed on this site but by god i'd cut his balls off atleast!

I'd change the locks while he is out at work today and dump his sh!te on his slags doorstep. She would be bloody welcome to him. You and the kids can survive this take control you make the decision not him whether its you or her, he made that choice over 13 years ago when he got it out of his trousers.

Steph xx