Totally devestated

dontknowwhattodonow

How can I face my kids knowing I told their dad to leave. I will have failed, my family, his family everything will be crushed.
I know it sounds like self pity, but it's not, how do I cope.

RabbitintheHeadlights

dontknowwhattodonow wrote: »

Thank you for all your replies, didn't honestly expect an answer.
He is self employed, thats why he has had the time. He says he is confused about the whole thing, he knows me and the kids are the most important.
I honestly don't know what I want. If I hated him it would be a whole different ball game. I know I am not the mosst confident person around. But how can I tell him to go, the kids would be gutted as would I. How do I get back from that.. I will have been a failure

First (((((hugs))))) to you, lots and lots because I'm sure you need them right now.

Secondly you HAVE NOT BEEN a failure and WILL NOT BE a failure. Whichever path you choose, you have been true to the word of your marriage vows, absolutely faithful and have no reason to feel a failure. Whether you choose to stay with him and try to repair your relationship (which would show an amazing amount of forgiveness) or tell him to hit the road (which would show an amazing amount of strength) YOU ARE NOT THE FAILURE HERE. He chose to have a long and ongoing relationship with someone else despite his vows. He chose to lie and cheat. The failure is not you, it's him. Please, please, don't blame yourself. I know this is easier said than done but you are not to blame in this.

I can't give you advice on what to do - I wish I did have a crystal ball and could tell you the best path. I only know what I would do. But take your time to decide - he's been doing this for years so it's only fair you get a while to think it through.

never_enough

dontknowwhattodonow wrote: »

Thank you for all your replies, didn't honestly expect an answer.
He is self employed, thats why he has had the time. He says he is confused about the whole thing, he knows me and the kids are the most important.
I honestly don't know what I want. If I hated him it would be a whole different ball game. I know I am not the mosst confident person around. But how can I tell him to go, the kids would be gutted as would I. How do I get back from that.. I will have been a failure

Sorry but stop that now, YOU will not have been a failure! He is the one with the failings!!! :mad: I agree with the others, it's what you want that matters, it is not just up to him to decide if he wants to be with you & your children. Rather you need to decide if you wish him to remain in your life. Some couples can work through the mess that affairs cause, but the majority don't for good reason. One of the most important things in a relationship is trust. It's hard to get back on track when someone has totally abused that. I'm in a really bad mood today so I want to thump him on your behalf!
Please don't let him to continue to walk over you or take you for granted. Even if you decide that you want to continue this relationship you need to change, to get some self confidence. Nobody has the right to treat us like that, so we must not let them. x

whitewing

Do you know the other woman?

I think I'd have to pop along and have a chat with her? Normally I wouldn't bother in the sense that your husband is making his own decision to cheat on you, but being as it has been going on for years and she must know every little detail of yours and your children's lives, I'd be wondering what she had to say about it all.

I feel immensely sad for you.

tizhimi

dontknowwhattodonow wrote: »

How can I face my kids knowing I told their dad to leave. I will have failed, my family, his family everything will be crushed.
I know it sounds like self pity, but it's not, how do I cope.

How can you face your kids if you let him stay? Kids need to see mum is a positive strong role - not a doormat. You are a strong - us women are, you can pick your self up and you can come out of this.

Do you know the woman? I'd be having words with her but I'm known for my confrontational approach!!

dontknowwhattodonow

Well I know her name. If i went to see her, I probably want punch her lights out!! And that would lower myself. She knows about the kids and I, well he says she does. I pity her really, she's sat there waiting for him - the other woman. Sorry I am rambling now thoughts spinning round.

tizhimi

Nothing wrong with knocking her lights out and then shouting YOU CAN KEEP HIM!

cakeordeath_2

You've got a whole load of emotions to work through here and you will need time.

Please don't shoulder any of the blame for this...like you say, you BOTH work full time and in your spare time do things for the kids...but you didn't both turn to someone else, he alone did that, you were still there.

I think you may be stronger than you give yourself credit for and I think you would cope okay without him, but you will be feeling devestated and vunerable at the moment. It's like a bereavement, the image of the man you thought was your husband has died and you need time to grieve that loss.

I wish you all the very best, I hope you have someone who can give you a shoulder to cry on..take care of yourself.

Just one more thing though, you have only one life and this is it, don't spend it trying to keep everyone else happy at your own expense, that'd be a waste and you're worth more than that.

dontknowwhattodonow

Thank you for all your kind comments. I have to pick the kids up now, thank you all once again.

whitewing

You don't actually have to do anything, if you don't want. You could just accept that he will see her, and that eventually someone else will make the decision.

This is not to say that you condone what he did. And you will need to grieve for the relationship and trust that you thought you had.

Do your children know? How old are they?