Totally devestated

whitewing

Steph, how lovely to have a friend like you.

OP, well done on getting a plan regarding finances. It may help to get some kind of fundamental survival plan to take you thro to January. I know you're not going to have a lot of choice in certain matters, but there will be things that are important (Christmas shopping for the children perhaps may be important to you regardless of where Dad is at the time). Focus on the stuff that is important and the rest can take care of itself.

zaksmum

Stephb1986 wrote: »

He's a scumbag I was sat here thinking maybe 1-2 years but over 13 years!!! I mean come on love wake up smell the coffee he has cheated on you for more than half of your marrige!!! The words I really want to say aren't allowed on this site but by god i'd cut his balls off atleast!

I'd change the locks while he is out at work today and dump his sh!te on his slags doorstep. She would be bloody welcome to him. You and the kids can survive this take control you make the decision not him whether its you or her, he made that choice over 13 years ago when he got it out of his trousers.

Steph xx

My thoughts exactly Steph!!!

Stephb1986_2

whitewing wrote: »

Steph, how lovely to have a friend like you.

Sorry I'm just honest, I thought people wanted honesty not to be pu$$y footed around.

Steph xx

whitewing

Stephb1986 wrote: »

Sorry I'm just honest, I thought people wanted honesty not to be pu$$y footed around.

Steph xx

I wasn't being sarcastic. You remind me of a very dear friend of mine. (Although I can't always be quite so radical in the actions, even if I agree with her. Haven't actually managed to remove the reproductive organs of any of the deserving cases I've known!)

Stephb1986_2

whitewing wrote: »

I wasn't being sarcastic. You remind me of a very dear friend of mine. (Although I can't always be quite so radical in the actions, even if I agree with her. Haven't actually managed to remove the reproductive organs of any of the deserving cases I've known!)

Sorry I thought you was being funny You would probably get done for castrating a man but atleast the thoughts are still in there. I did however read a story (I think it was Take A Break) about a man who wanted to become a woman so glued his manhood up himself but started to experience some agony so had to unpick it (ouch) then he decided to cut it open to make it more like a woman's bits and it become septic. :eek:

So maybe an experiment like that on a man would be interesting?

Steph xx

zaksmum

Stephb1986 wrote: »

Sorry I thought you was being funny You would probably get done for castrating a man but atleast the thoughts are still in there. I did however read a story (I think it was Take A Break) about a man who wanted to become a woman so glued his manhood up himself but started to experience some agony so had to unpick it (ouch) then he decided to cut it open to make it more like a woman's bits and it become septic. :eek:

So maybe an experiment like that on a man would be interesting?

Steph xx

Hey Steph...I love your choice of reading material!!! Funny thing is, I actually read that story myself, and was left once again shaking my head in disbelief at how stupid men can be.

I do realise the OP is in shock right now but with some scumbag men, it doesn't pay to be TOO nice. They just take full advantage

dontknowwhattodonow

Thanks Steph, I know people on here will say things that I dont like, but yes I have woke up and smelt the coffee. I feel stupid, useless and thick for not seeing it before now. I am guessing it has been going on for this amount of time, from what he has said.
But i need to know I have everything sorted so I know I can survive. I can't just change the locks.. it's half his house. I need to know he will pay towards the mortgage etc... am I wrong for thinking this?
The bottom line is he has sh*t on me big style, yes I am angry, upset devestated and the rest of it. But it's a bloody long relationship to give up on, because he has Sh***ed someone else, I can't turn my feelings of over night. I have the kids to think about, they love him to pieces, I can't just thrown him out with his stuff in front of the kids. If this is to happen it has to be thought about. It is not just my life he has destroyed.
Am I so wrong to try to protect my children/my family. This anger is like the lioness protecting her cubs.... I will fight tooth and nail to get through this. This morning I felt on top of it, trying to deal with things. Now I am back at the bottom, starting again.

Sorry rant over

Emmzi

dkwtd, your emotions will be all over the place for a bit.

best advice? don't make any decisions at the moment. take a few weeks to work out what you want.

during this time DO NOT LET HIM INFLUENCE YOU. Don't engage in conversation about the future.

learn a standard phrase.

"Thanks for letting me know your views. I'm still thinking things over."

and "It's a lot to take in, I need a bit more time to think about it"

and

"I don't know when I'll know. I'll let you know when I have worked things out in my head."

Stephb1986_2

dkwtd there is nothing wrong with trying to protect your kids but you have forgot another person in the equasion yourself why should you stay with this man when he has treated you like this to make your kids happy one day they won't thank you for it that you took this sort of behaviour.

My mum stayed in a bad relationship when I was a child with my father I'm glad she got out when she did because I probably won't be sat here today if it wasn't for her. She was scared and frightened with two young kids we've come through the other side she now owns her own sucessful business nice house, nice cars, doesn't want for anything but when we are stood there working together and we talk about the past I wonder why she put up with so much off him. I don't thank her for staying with him longer and I despise my dad so much that I wish him dead. Do you really want your kids to feel like that?

Just think before you forgive him what your settling for just to make your kids happy. Because the truth is kids aren't stupid they probably know what happening between you and your husband.

This isn't your fault and I can only imagine how you feel I'm sorry for being so harsh but I really don't think that you should forgive and forget what has happened. If you look through other womens threads on here from last year when the same happened to them you will see how they have come through on the other side and are better off for it.

sending you lots of love and hugs.

Steph xx

JoJoB

Oh love, what an awful shock for you. Contrary to what others may say I do believe that good people can do very hurtful things like this (because of various emotional weakness/reaction to stress/inability to deal with relationship problems in a mature way). And so it is very difficult to just outrightly condemn someone you love and kick them out.

But while you may want to fight to keep him and your family together it must be done on your terms and you must absolutely make it clear to him how hurt, angry, and utterly devastated you are by all this and that you will not hear any more about how he cannot come to a decision.

While you may not want to kick him out it will do him no harm at all to realise this is a strong possibility. A good dose of reality does wonders for focusing the mind and he will soon realise what it is he fears losing the most. It is a gamble - because he may of course choose her. But if he does then he would do so eventually and not simply because you have reacted in the way any betrayed spouse would.

Marriages do recover from adultery. But an awful lot of work has to be put in and the guilty party has to go through a process of revealing all the lies, deceit, betrayal and doing everything within their power to make the relationship good again and their partner secure and happy once more. This is a difficult and arduous path to choose, but should you both choose to go down it there is the possibility of happiness again.

But he has to commit to it wholeheartedly, because he wants to be with you. He has to cut off all ties with this other woman and devote himself to you and to doing anything you think will help your relationship recover. Unfortunately it's not as simple as his idea of spending more time together. Personally I think you both need professional help from a Relate counsellor because otherwise something like this will fester for years.

More than likely he will be unwilling to go to Relate. Men usually are, and men who have cheated doubly so. But you need a mediator with you to guide you through this difficult time and to help you both understand why this happened and deal with the emotional fallout. If I were in your position this would be my number one priority and he must be told that your 20 year marriage is worth trying every possible avenue to save it and that if he loves you as he claims to he must do something he feels uncomfortable about for your sake.

The other woman is away for the week you say so it really is time for decisive action. Tell him what you want from him and don't accept any dithering. Tell him you want to fight to save your marriage but that it doesn't stand a chance with the other woman still on the scene. He has to end it with her before you can both even try, there really is no other way. I understand why people are saying to think about it and not do anything rash just yet - but I'm afraid this will just prolong the indecisiveness of your partner. Short sharp shock time.