Totally devestated

Dancing_Shoes

I agree with Steph, there is nothing I wouldn't do to protect my children but.....I would not/could not stay with a man who had cheated. I don't know of anyone personally who has ever come out the other side and been truly happy
Your children will settle eventually with whatever choice you make, children are amazingly adaptable!

If he really wanted to stay in the marriage he would have been begging for your forgiveness not telling you he couldn't choose and I am sorry if that sounds harsh I don't mean to be but I am concerned for YOUR wellbeing not his!

Please take care of yourself and decide what YOU want to do, yes 20 years is a long time but so is 13!:mad:

patchwork_cat

You are thinking about the kids, but the question I have is can you forgive him? If the answer is no, but you don't seperate the rows and atmosphere are going to be terrible for the children.

However there is no rush, take your time to make your descision, can you stay married to him if he doesn't give up this other woman? Whatever you decide it is not you destroying the family,it is him.

zaksmum

If you really are thinking of the kids you need to show a much tougher side to your husband. Or the kids will spend their teens in an atmosphere of distrust and barely concealed hostility and resentment...alll because their dad couldn't keep it in his pants.

Don't listen to all that bulls**t about he loves you and the kids...he wouldn't be doing this if he did. No, he loves HIMSELF and has made himself his priority. He is being selfish, deceitful, manipulative and dishonest.

He has treated you and the kids with utter contempt and you all deserve much better. The kids, ultimately, will be far happier if you make a stand now. Don't insist HE makes a choice...YOU make one.

Either he agrees to dump the slapper immediately and totally, in which case you MAY agree to give him another chance, or you decide you really can't be ars*d anymore and want your life and self respect back in a future that doesn't involve him!

dontknowwhattodonow

Well I slept slightly better last night. I have gone through the finances and I should be able to manage on what money I get. I have worked out seperate accounts for the mortgage, direct debits etc. When I get my wage paid I will filter it of to the two accounts, and then whats left I should be able to live on.

Feel very upset right now, he has gone to work and as he left, I told him that I loved him and was prepared to fight to save our family, but it couldn't go on for ever. I have given him 3 weeks to figure things out, while he is under this roof he will not see her. But if he wants to leave he leaves in 3 weeks. (So I have this time to make him realise what he could give up on). I said she isn't going to put up with the kids, and you been so busy with them, does she realise if she takes you she has to accept them. He said I don't know.
I know to you all 3 weeks sounds stupid, but if he goes when that time is up, I know I have the half term holidays, to explain and be there for the kids. I will never turn them against him.
I am so scared now, the cards are on the table. I know what I want, but I need commitment to make it work.

neneromanova

dontknowwhattodonow wrote: »

Thanks Steph, I know people on here will say things that I dont like, but yes I have woke up and smelt the coffee. I feel stupid, useless and thick for not seeing it before now. I am guessing it has been going on for this amount of time, from what he has said.
But i need to know I have everything sorted so I know I can survive. I can't just change the locks.. it's half his house. I need to know he will pay towards the mortgage etc... am I wrong for thinking this?
The bottom line is he has sh*t on me big style, yes I am angry, upset devestated and the rest of it. But it's a bloody long relationship to give up on, because he has Sh***ed someone else, I can't turn my feelings of over night. I have the kids to think about, they love him to pieces, I can't just thrown him out with his stuff in front of the kids. If this is to happen it has to be thought about. It is not just my life he has destroyed.
Am I so wrong to try to protect my children/my family. This anger is like the lioness protecting her cubs.... I will fight tooth and nail to get through this. This morning I felt on top of it, trying to deal with things. Now I am back at the bottom, starting again.

Sorry rant over

My time to ramble now

Ok, so think of it this way. It doesn't matter whether your children are boys or girls, but how would you feel if this happened to your children and they did exactly what you are doing right now? Your kids will find out eventually. Trust me, this woman won't back down lightly. It'll more than likely come from her if he says jog on to her. Then your kids will get the whole story, and feel this is what they should do in the future with their relationships or how they should treat their other half.. The way to protect your kids is to Stand up and show you have big balls. If you need time to yourself, tell him to go stay with a mate for a week or something. That should kick him into gear.

Before I got to the post about him having seen her for over 13 years I would say go to the woman, say I know all about you and I'm not letting him go so you can jog on, but having heard it's over 13 years she won't let him go just like you won't.

Think about it from her point of view (yes I know, sickening as it'll be) She's "been" with him for 13 years, she loves him as much as you do, if you were her, would you give up the chance to be with him?

*big hugs*

Stephb1986_2

dontknowwhattodonow wrote: »

I have given him 3 weeks to figure things out, while he is under this roof he will not see her. But if he wants to leave he leaves in 3 weeks. (So I have this time to make him realise what he could give up on).

So your going to dress up like a dogs dinner to make him want you instead of this other woman? He has been cheating on you for 13 years he's had plenty of time to change his mind!

I know what I want, but I need commitment to make it work.

He hasn't been committed to you for the last 13 years whats going to change now. He's just filled his pants because you have found out.

If you forgive him more fool you. Yeah you might be protecting your kids but when you look at it when they are my age will they thank you for it or will they sit there thinking it's ok to be a doormat because that's what you are being. You told him this morning you love him, you have forgive him already! He obviously doesn't love you or your kids or he wouldn't of been shagging about before you even had your first kid. He's something else him. You need to grow a set of balls and tell him to !!!!!! off.

When you also look at it, in the last 13 years he's been doing the deed with her how many other partners has she had then your husband is going round her house doing her then coming back to you and passing all her sexual partners on to you, I find that disgusting if he had the smallest amount of respect for you he wouldn't do that. Did he use any protection??? Because if not I'd be straight down to the local GUM Clinic.

Sorry if it's harsh but it's the truth.

neneromanova

Also, You say you want to protect all 3 of your kids. He obviously does not. You've had 3 kids. He was off sh*gging her at the time. What if she had a disease and he bought it back to you while you were pregnant?! He would have killed your children. Your little babies! How would you have felt had that happened? I know it didn't but what if it wasn't just her he was messing around with as I highly doubt it was.

dontknowwhattodonow

So your going to dress up like a dogs dinner to make him want you instead of this other woman? He has been cheating on you for 13 years he's had plenty of time to change his mind!
I most certainly am not going to dress up like a dogs dinner for no one, it is the family life, I am trying to make him see what he will loose.

You told him this morning you love him, you have forgive him already!
Yes I have said I love him, but I most defianatly have not forgiven him at all. Love is a thing that can't be switched off, his is the father of my children, the person I have spent over half my life with. How the hell do you stop that in an instant.

As I have said before, people will say things I don't like, fair enough I can handle that, even take it as advice. But I didn't write on here to get shot down in flames.

Yes I know I am confused, hurt, angry, but things will be said, even by me, that will change. Im breath I might say/think one thing. In another breath it will be entirely different.

I said that this was some sort of blog thing for me, giving me a chance to ramble on.. or would it be better for me to bottle it all up, and god knows what that might lead to.

People deal with things in different ways, so I am dealing with this totally worng according to some of you. What is right or wrong?
Some people might think I should take my kids and go... why should I? Its our home.
Some people might think I should seek counseling...why should I? The counselor cant make my mind up.
Some people might think I should let him stay and try...why should I? He's done wrong.
Some people might think I should throw him out right now.. why should I? I have to know I have everything sorted to be on my own, its not a knee jerk reaction.

I apologise for rambling again, but if people dont' like it, I will go ramble elsewhere.

By the way I have everyting sorted with the bank, so I know that will be ok.

Sexy_Legs

Just sending you a HUG

I really feel for what you are going through at the moment. It is easy for those not in the situation to judge, but its your life and only you know what the right thing is for you.

My thoughts are with you in this horrible mess.

whitewing

Well done on sorting out the bank so quickly.

I agree with you that you should take as long as YOU need to deal with this. You seem to have a realistic grasp on the situation, or as much of it that you can handle at the moment.

Does he seem at all sorry or ashamed of what he has done?