13yr old HELP!!!

fernliebee

Also when we were younger we were allowed to keep our rooms however we wanted, and were responsible for our own washing, but there were rules. We were not allowed to eat in our rooms, just a glass of water for bed and we had to bring the glass down, this was so there was no mouldy food etc, and all the crockery didn't disappear into our hovels!

ANother rule was our mess was not allowed to escape from our rooms or we would be made to clean it all up. We also had to have a good clearout and chuck things away/ give to charity before xmas and our b'days so we had space for things.

The other thing that my dad did, was if they had for some reason asked us to tidy up he would give us a time limit say 2 hours then if anything was left on the floor he would put it in a black sack and put it out in the garden for the bin men. Now we knew for a fact that he was completely serious about this, and he only did it once but my mum managed to talk him round, but we knew he meant it, and she said next time she would be on his side, so we would hurry to put the stuff away so it wouldn't be binned.

not_tonight_josephine_2

Silaqui wrote: »

Regarding the used pads - this is going to sound silly but is there somewhere in the bathroom that she can put them? If there is an open bin, like a waste bin, she might be embarrassed about her dad seeing them in there or something, then taking them to her room and not really knowing what to do with them. Maybe get a pedal bin so they are 'hidden'?

This is a really good point actually! When I was a teenager living at home I was too embarrassed to even leave the wrappers in the bathroom bin where my dad/brother might see them - I used to smuggle them into the main bin outside!

OP - do you think this is a possibility with your daughter?

The_Banker_5

not_tonight_josephine wrote: »

I don't have kids so not speaking from an experience view point (so feel free to ignore me!), but I would agree that you should maybe pick your battles a little more and stop putting too much of your own energy into the things you can't win, as it will just get you down.

Instead of insisiting that she tidies her room every day could you just get her to set aside half an hour at the weekend to give it a blitz? In between if she wants to live in a tip then just close the door on it and pretend the mess isn't there! When I was that age I remember it was quite important to start having your own personal space and having Mum in there every day tidying would have felt a bit intrusive!

Re the homework - does she struggle with schoolwork or can she just not be bothered to do it? Does she have a suitable place to do it away from any distractions? Is there maybe a homework club at school she could attend - maybe in a more school type environment she would be less tempted to daydream?

Good luck!

You dont have children?


By the way you have written this post you would make an excellent parent.;)

Curlywurli

My mum nagged me to death about tidying my room. It was the smallest room in the house and I never had enough space to put anything. The more she nagged me the more I was determined to do nothing. She tried to give me pocket money if I tidied my room- no pocket money if I didn't. I told her that I wouldn't be blackmailed and went out and got a Saturday job. I'm still not tidy now to be honest, but that's just the way I am. When I go round my parent's house they have piles of stuff everywhere but I don't think my mum realises that I just take after her!

Your daughter sounds very miserable- perhaps more than she's letting on. I was messy, but there were certain things I wouldn't leave just laying around in my room. If she's being bullied maybe it's affecting her a lot. It's a vicious circle. People tell you you look like something, you start to believe it, you make it become you. I was called awful names. I became so ashamed of myself that for three years I would just wear large jeans and t-shirts two sizes too big. My mum never realised that I was being bullied, I never said anything. I was ill one week and was only meant to be off for three days but begged to stay off for the rest of the week.

Could you both tidy up her room together?- tell her that you can decorate it then and she can make it look special. What about if you went on a girly day out- hairdressers and a make up counter. It might help her to realise her self worth. I would have loved it if my mum had done that.

beaniebabe

LonelyLil wrote: »

Our 13 yr old DD is causing huge rows in the family. She is lazy and unmotivated. We have tried rewards, punishments, but nothing seems to work.

For example, her room is a tip and she can never find anything. If I leave it for a few days the washing never gets brought out and she has no clean clothes. She loses homework, mp3 players etc. You get the picture. If I go in and tidy up my husband goes nuts saying I am doing too much.

So, my plan was to make her tidy up every day or no PC etc. The room is small so for me to tidy and make the bed takes 10 mins tops. However, homework comes first, but homework that should take 40 mins takes her 3 hours as she just sits there daydreaming half the time. Then she has no time to tidy her room as she is "too tired".

So, what is your routine in the evening with teens? I want her to do homework and keep her room tidy. She does not even have chores. Even this seems to be an constant battle as she takes half an hour to do something that takes 5mins. Mornings too I am constantly on at her to hurry up. She also does not shower or brush her teeth/ hair if not told to do so.

Any advice?

This is what I would try and believe me it is normal teenage behaviour!!;)
Allocate so much time each evening for her to complete her homework and if you need to help her, try it. Set clear rules that after a reasonable time she needs to have it completed or she will have to hand it in half finished. Young people need to take some responsibility.;)

Have a chat with her and make her aware how it makes you feel when she does not look after her things and keep her room clean.Tell her that it upsets you when you see things she has had bought for her not being looked after and if you see any of these items again you will take them away from her for as long as is necassary.
Christmas isn't far away and I bet sh knows what she wants. I would tell her you are not willing to discuss this until she starts to look after the things she has.;)


Tell her that you are not going to nag her in the week to clean her room as this will now be done on saturday morning before she goes out. (You could even offer to help her "gut" it the first time so she can have a fresh start to the new rules)
If you are in a position to give her a little pocket money, give her this on Saturday when she has done her room. No work no money!!

My daughter is a nightmare to motivate in a morning and I now tell her that I am no longer rushing myself and if she is late then it is her responsibility.

You must be consistant with boundaries and they must be reasonable and fair and something that you know you can stick to.:D

Regarding personal hygeine, you can only persevere with prompting her. You just wait until a couple of years time, you will not be able to get in the bathroom yourself!!:D

Dont worry too much, its good to know she is normal!!!:D

Spirit_2

Re - the pads - my DD used to 'hide' them in her room. I bought the scented purple disposal bags and asked her to use those and to put them in the bin in her room. It worked.

not_tonight_josephine_2

The_Banker wrote: »

You dont have children?


By the way you have written this post you would make an excellent parent.;)

Thank you very much, I hope to be one someday

shazrobo

reading this thread, has made me realise i'm not alone in having teens with messy rooms.
we dont allow food upstairs, so no mouldy plates, but the amount of junk they seem to accumulate on the floor is unbelieveable.
the only thing that seems to help them tidy, is if i go in and help, tell them what is expected, eg clothes put away in wardrobes, dirty clothes in laundry etc.
as for your daughter not brushing her teeth, my two lads are the same and need constant reminding, also have to tell them to get in bath too.
hopefully they'll all grow out of it once there hormones settle

cheepskate_2

Not read through all but,

I am of the veiw "it's her room and should be the way she wants it" she will eventually grow out of it. Pick your arguments with care, so that everything is not an argument. There will be bigger and more pressing arguments to come.

We had the clothes everwhere with our son. We solved it by telling him in a nice matter of fact manner that if the washing was not in the w. basket it would not be washed. Never needed to nag again. If he complained we informed him we had already told him the rule.

give her a few years and you will be on here asking about the amount of changes of clothes and showers she is having and is it normal to change 3 times a day.

kazmeister

Hi

I just wanted to say you are not alone. My daughter has not hit her teens yet and i have probs!

LonelyLil wrote: »

We have had lots of chats about this. She gets teased at school for being a "tramp". I have tried to explain kindly that she needs to look after herself a bit more, or this will happen. When she leave the house she is tidy, but by the time she gets home she looks like she has been dragged through a hedge backwards. Also if I forget to remind her to brush her teeth, her breath smells etc.

I have told her to check her apperance in the mirror once or twice a day, take a brush to school etc, but she seems to think that it should be up to her how she looks. On one hand I agree, but I also know that if I looked like a slob at work I would be pulled up.

I am so sad for her, but I do feel that lack of effort on her part is contributing to the teasing.

Mine too looks terrible when she comes in, obviously at 10 she hasnt hit puberty yet so we dont have smelly probs and I do have to nag her to do her teeth. She wont wear her school jumper and I despair because her tshirts are always filthy when she comes in, you know the dirt that wont come out in the wash that will remove 99% of all stains! She is just grubby full stop.

onetomany wrote: »

omg soz if im repeting all i do now to my 13 year boy is say im coming to sort out your room he hates it because what it means is im coming in with a bin bag and everything on the floors going in he hates me throwing stuff away good luck x

This had NO effect on DD whatsoever :rolleyes: she has been known when smaller to tidy her room by bagging it up in black bags and hiding in the attic!

And to make you feel better this was her room just before the holidays



I gave her the 7 weeks of the summer holidays to tidy it up which she didnt so resolved it as best as I could by getting one of those large orange skip bags. This now has pride of place in her room and should I feel the urge to tidy up I chuck everything in there. If she wants it she has to find it but at least I can walk across the room without breaking my neck.

Good luck with it !!!

ETA
She has just come through to me, been in bed an hour and says there was an ink cartridge in her bed and its split ! Her hands are covered in ink and I hate to think what her bed looks like. She didnt like my response however which was "Really? then how come its all in your mouth too !!!!!!!!!!!!!" Now off to investigate :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:


GIVE ME STRENGTH - The scissors were still in the bed as was the magazine (which luckily caught most of the ink, well what she wasnt covered in anyway) the cartridge was in several pieces on the floor, and as for the ink in her mouth she had tried to lick it off. Now that is gross