13yr old HELP!!!

LonelyLil

Our 13 yr old DD is causing huge rows in the family. She is lazy and unmotivated. We have tried rewards, punishments, but nothing seems to work.

For example, her room is a tip and she can never find anything. If I leave it for a few days the washing never gets brought out and she has no clean clothes. She loses homework, mp3 players etc. You get the picture. If I go in and tidy up my husband goes nuts saying I am doing too much.

So, my plan was to make her tidy up every day or no PC etc. The room is small so for me to tidy and make the bed takes 10 mins tops. However, homework comes first, but homework that should take 40 mins takes her 3 hours as she just sits there daydreaming half the time. Then she has no time to tidy her room as she is "too tired".

So, what is your routine in the evening with teens? I want her to do homework and keep her room tidy. She does not even have chores. Even this seems to be an constant battle as she takes half an hour to do something that takes 5mins. Mornings too I am constantly on at her to hurry up. She also does not shower or brush her teeth/ hair if not told to do so.

Any advice?

January20

My DD is very untidy. VERY. and she is older too at 16 yo. I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't spend what little time we spend together nagging her about her bedroom. She wants to live in a pig sty? that's her problem, as long as she keeps other areas of our home tidy.

I don't help her looking for things she has lost. I've told her many times before if you put something in the same place all the time, you won't lose it. She's an intelligent kid, but if she can't do that simple thing she's on her own looking for her stuff

I don't replace stuff that gets broken because of her untidiness and I don't do her washing. Eventually, she does it herself.

On the other hand, she works really really hard at school and had amazing gcse results so to me, her bedroom being untidy is a small compromise.

I'm not sure I'm helping you though, but is it so important that she makes her bed every day? that she tidies her room everyday? does she feel overwhelmed by the pressure you put on her and therefore has no motivation for anything else? Are her hormones playing up? perhaps she is really tired when she comes home from school?

PS: routine with my dd: we both come home from school (I am a teacher) and spend a bit of time together, having a cuppa, chatting, relaxing and then I get on with tea and she'll do her homework or watch a bit more tv and then after tea more homework for her and work prep for me.

not_tonight_josephine_2

I don't have kids so not speaking from an experience view point (so feel free to ignore me!), but I would agree that you should maybe pick your battles a little more and stop putting too much of your own energy into the things you can't win, as it will just get you down.

Instead of insisiting that she tidies her room every day could you just get her to set aside half an hour at the weekend to give it a blitz? In between if she wants to live in a tip then just close the door on it and pretend the mess isn't there! When I was that age I remember it was quite important to start having your own personal space and having Mum in there every day tidying would have felt a bit intrusive!

Re the homework - does she struggle with schoolwork or can she just not be bothered to do it? Does she have a suitable place to do it away from any distractions? Is there maybe a homework club at school she could attend - maybe in a more school type environment she would be less tempted to daydream?

Good luck!

January20

Oh and I forgot to say: I make it sound like it's easy to just ignore the untidy bedroom, but it's not. I close the door as not_tonight_josephine said, but I really have to bite my tongue. The end result is worth it though.

LonelyLil

January20 wrote: »

I'm not sure I'm helping you though, but is it so important that she makes her bed every day? that she tidies her room everyday? does she feel overwhelmed by the pressure you put on her and therefore has no motivation for anything else? Are her hormones playing up? perhaps she is really tired when she comes home from school?

We are not talking a bit of dust or an unmade bed here, but a Kim and Aggie job if it gets left.

It starts to smell after a while too and comes into the hallway. Dirty sheets and clothes, you smell too. Yuk!

I have also found used pads on the floor. Just disgusting and unacceptable.

LonelyLil

not_tonight_josephine wrote: »

Instead of insisiting that she tidies her room every day could you just get her to set aside half an hour at the weekend to give it a blitz?

We have tried that, but 3 hours later the room is STILL not tidy. She just messes about. And I am not talking my tidy here, but just nothing on the floor and a made bed.

patchwork_cat

Does she get pocket money? If so what about she gets her pocket money on a Saturday after you are happy with her room. If she did it once a week at least that would be something.

LonelyLil

patchwork_cat wrote: »

Does she get pocket money? If so what about she gets her pocket money on a Saturday after you are happy with her room. If she did it once a week at least that would be something.

Also tried this, but again she just doesnt do it and would rather have no money.

csh_2

LonelyLil wrote: »

We are not talking a bit of dust or an unmade bed here, but a Kim and Aggie job if it gets left.

It starts to smell after a while too and comes into the hallway. Dirty sheets and clothes, you smell too. Yuk!

I have also found used pads on the floor. Just disgusting and unacceptable.

That is disgusting and unacceptable.


Your 1st post however describes my DD to a T. She is the most lazy disorganised uninterested girl in the world!

I don't go into her room now unless I really have too, just pop my head around the door when its time to be up/out etc.

If she doesn't put her clothes in the basket they don't get washed. If she then has to go into school without her uniform because its not washed she has to take the punishment.
She does get pocket money on a Saturday, all she has to do for this is to put her washing downstairs and make sure there are no dirty dishes in her room.
I'm not interested in her other mess and refuse to wind myself up worrying about it, spent years doing this and its pointless!

If she wants to live like a midden I just let her get on with it, on the plus side it means she never brings friends home cos shes too embarrassed!

LonelyLil

I am worried she may have depression, but as I have suffered myself I do not want her going down the pills route. Am unsure what the doctocr would do with a 13 yr old.

LonelyLil

csh wrote: »

If she wants to live like a midden I just let her get on with it, on the plus side it means she never brings friends home cos shes too embarrassed!

Same here. Her friend said she was filthy. LOL!