13yr old HELP!!!

smartie12

There are so many worse things she could be doing so try not to stress about it.

One day she'll want to be clean and have a tidy room. My 13 year old DS has suddenly decided he wants to have more showers:rotfl:

blossomsuz

I dont have kids but used to share a bedroom with my little sister. We are chalk and cheese, me slightly OCD very clean and tidy she a lot like your DD.

I used to get so peed off that I would put all of the untidyness in her bed and cover it with the duvet. She would then have to remove everything before she went to sleep :rotfl:

I now live with my hubby who is also quite untidy but my sister is still the same at the age of 22 I still love her though :0)

I would take everything out of the room and tell her if she wants to live like a homeless person then she can do without luxeries such as bedding etc until she learns to respect them. :0)

memelalou

I don't know if it will work with your D/D, but perhap this will work.
My sister was not only had a messy room but it was dirty iykwim, so my dad went in her room tidied and cleaned it, but took every thing out except her alarm clock, clothes and furnture. He put all her stuff in bin liners and put them in the attic. When she came home from school he told her he had thrown them away, after lots of ranting and raving he came clean but told her if she kept the room tidy she could have one item back each week, it worked too!

Perhaps the lack of hygine is due too low self esteem. Why don't you book her one of those free makeovers they have in department stores, and perhaps if money allows it a new hair cut or outfit. It might be just the thing to give her a nudge in the right direction.

honeyD

Just wanted to say I hope you dont get into a routine of cleaning her room for her. My Mum has always cleaned my brother's room because he was too lazy, she is still doing it and he is 25. His room is a pig sty, and so bad he has moths nesting in his clothes.. is he bothered? Obviously not because he does nothing about it. I personally think its disgusting and tell my Mum off for always doing his room for him because he will never learn.

Mojisola

I would be concerned about the personal hygiene. It does suggest very low self-esteem or depression, especially if she's getting teased about it at school and still doesn't sort herself out.

DeeDee74

my ds is the same he's nearly 13 and to be honest he never tidy's his room i do it.. i can't stand seeing it a mess and if i send him to do it he never does it to my standered. his idea of tiding is kick everything under the bed or shove it in the cupboard.
i dont have any usefully hint's sorry op. some good tip off other poster's tempted to pinch some myself..

The_Ubiquitous_Mrs_Smith

I think it's a case of choosing your battles. If all she hears from you is "this isn't right, you haven't done that, do this now..." she'll just stop listening and you'll both get nowhere.

There will be something you can bribe her with (rather than punish). It's just a case of finding it and helping her. By the sounds of it she lacks confidence and direction and is quite a young 13 year old if you see what I mean.

For me the main problems in order of importance (and everyone else will have different takes) are:
- Lack of hygene
- Homework
- Room being tidy

Personally I would stick to those areas and if she breaks a curfew once in a while or whatever let it slip as long as she's doing what you both agree and is generally ok elsewhere.

Lack of hygene... some people grow out of it, others don't. If she's getting called a tramp you need to tell her as it is but constructively and supportively. AT 13 she's old enough to know and deal with it. I have a close friend who refused to wear deodorant. I told them many times as kindly as possible that they needed to but it fell on deaf ears. It wasn't until their boss mentioned it and they asked me if it is was true. The situation I was in at the time meant I could literally only give a yes or no answer so I said yes. They were understandably devistated and asked why I had never told them! I still feel really guilty but they now spray every day.

Discuss with her why she thinks she gets called a tramp and what the other kids tease her about. If she says it's because they say her breath smells etc discuss why that is with her and help her to work out what she can do to change things. Let her come up with the ideas, then it won't seem like your bossing her about or nagging. Give her rewards, even just a compliment about how nice she looks when she's washed her hair (don't mention the clean hair, just say she looks really nice). Something which would have made me wash my hair more was if my mum treated me to a hair cut at a snazzy hairdressers if I washed my hair a set number of times over a set period. Or some new make up if I cleaned my teeth and washed my face every day for a month. The advantage is that your rewarding her for good behaviour and the new hair cut/make up will encourage it to continue. Does that make sense? Be realistic though, if she struggles to clean her teeth you're not going to get her to spending an hour straightening her hair and refusing to leave the house if she's not immaculate.

Blgghhh, so in summary, help her identify what she thinks the main problems are (her ideas, not yours!) and then come up with solutions for them and lots of rewards, not punishments.

Homework - She's a dreamer, that's not going to change but dreamers respond well to routine. If she knows that 4-440 every night is homework time and it's done at the kitchen table while mum or dad quietly make tea but can help if she needs them to she's more likely to get it done. Once she has completed her homework to the standard of whoever gives it a quick check then she gets to watch tv for half an hour before tea or whatever. Maybe she needs a break in the middle? It'll take a while to get her into that routine and it'll be hard work to stick to it but it will work. The key is to find a time when it suits her as much as it suits you. If she always watches something on tv at a certain time asking her to do her homework while that's on or asking her to do it when you know she'll be tired isn't constructive and will cause problems. Is her school work generally ok? Are her teachers happy with her at school? If not there may be some other issues but if it's just her getting distracted while doing her homework you need some strict rules.

Room being messy - You're not going to get her to be immaculate so it's not worth the agro trying to. You need to decide what is and isn't acceptable with regards to mess. The pad is clearly not acceptable. Mouldy dishes are not acceptable. Shoes not in the bottom of the wardrobe... probably acceptable. A big pile of messy papers on the desk... probably acceptable and so forth. It'll be difficult if you're a tidy person but you need to accept that as long as she keeps communal areas tidy, her room is her room. She probably hates you tidying it and sees it as "going through her things". I would. It's also not going to teach her anything. Ground rules are needed eg my brother was incapable of bringing dishes back down and would just hide them under his bed to grow new lifeforms. My parents answer? No food upstairs. Problem solved as long as that is enforced. Not really sure what to suggest about clothes. Maybe when you are putting a load on send her upstairs to gather her dirty clothes for you and when they are ironed help her put them away? That's the only way I can get my husband to do it. I've given up hope of him ever using a laundry basket. We end up with dirty clothes all over the bathroom floor and bedroom but it means I keep on top of the laundry and a few socks on the floor are better than constant arguments. Or even, help her do her own laundry. At 13 she maybe should be helping with housework anyway. Is the bedroom suitable for her eg is the wallpaper suitable to her age, furniture generally in good nick etc. If not that could be one reason why she has no respect for it. Maybe you could reward her for keeping to your agreed rules by redorcating or if her room is tidy having a sleep over?

With my husband if he can't find something becuase of his messiness, tough. I'm not looking for it. Where applicable I help hijm with his organsation eg I've helped him set up a filing system which he now keeps to but other than that I'm not looking for things he's lost. Similarly if I see he's left something on the floor and it looks likt it might get broken I'll tell him, then if he doesn't pick it up and put it away, tough. If it gets broken he'll have to replace it. Maybe you could do the same? My husbands messiness isn't laziness (well, not always!) it's because he generally doesn't care if there are some two day old dishes in the sink. It doesn't even register with him as being even slightly important. It never will so it's pointless having arguments and not enjoying our time together over things I can't change. I do get annoyed and upset at times though (like today!) but generally if I keep things simple with him and don't change the rules depending on what I feel like (even if I'm right!) most of the time it's ok.

I hope my essay has helped a bit. Sorry for the length but I'm all worn out and don't want to go back through and edit it all!

onetomany

omg soz if im repeting all i do now to my 13 year boy is say im coming to sort out your room he hates it because what it means is im coming in with a bin bag and everything on the floors going in he hates me throwing stuff away good luck x

fernliebee

Just a thought about the demotivation thing. Has she had a blood test for aneamia? Teenage girls are at a higher risk as due sudden demand for more iron as the body is adjusting to the monthly loss of it iyswim. (that is written really badly- long day! but hope you get what I'm saying.)

When I had aneamia (a few times in my life) I have felt more tired than in early pregnancy, and also people have asked if I was depressed as I had no motivation for anything, couldn't drag myself out of bed (and I'm normally the opposite, full of life!)

Also I read that their is a hormonal reason for teens lazyness, as apparently they have so much hormonal change they need much more sleep throughout puberty.

Hope she gets sorted soon.

Silaqui

Hi there

Just a couple of suggestions, in no particular order...

Regarding the used pads - this is going to sound silly but is there somewhere in the bathroom that she can put them? If there is an open bin, like a waste bin, she might be embarrassed about her dad seeing them in there or something, then taking them to her room and not really knowing what to do with them. Maybe get a pedal bin so they are 'hidden'?

It might be true that she has too much stuff and doesn't know where to start, perhaps you could both have a big clear out at half term or something, get it to a really good starting point, chuck out any old rubbish and get a load of storage boxes or something so she actually has somewhere to keep things. A cheap desk set with a desk tidy, intray and a pinboard might help with organisation too so she can actually get homework done. Also agree with the fact that even at 13, she may benefit from a bit of help with the homework even if just to focus her. I'm not a parent, but I am a teacher and even 16/17/18 year olds work better when you are giving them focussed attention and prompts.

She might well grow out of the hygiene thing as she gets older, not all 13 years olds are into make up and hair and things but she should really be brushing her teeth and generally keeping clean. I went through a stage like this when I was about 10/11 and my mum told me in no uncertain terms that it wasn't acceptable. Tha fact that she is being picked on means that she has added incentive, perhaps if that doesn't seem to bother her you could approach it with her from a health aspect?

Anyway just my 2p's worth xx