13yr old HELP!!!

fantasia322

Its her mess, she created it, I'd be tempted to let her live in it. With regard to didrty clothes, leave them, if she wants something to wear then its her fault for not putting it in the wash etc.,
With regards to homework, I'd suggest having her do it perhaps in the living room when she is under supervision then you can prompt her if her attention wanders. KIds do also get depressed and that can cause lack of motivitation, lethargy, wandering attention, and lack of pride in personal appearence etc.,
Anything you say is seen as nagging. No much help, but for the most part its a phase and it usually passes

tizhimi

LonelyLil wrote: »

We have had lots of chats about this. She gets teased at school for being a "tramp"..

Thats really sad, I think she needs you to be crewl to be kind. Tell her she IS a tramp, and the kids will continue to pick on her unless she takes some pride in her appearance. Then tell her how she can fix this, and there is an easy way out of this situation. Take her to the dentist and get him to tell her about oral hygine if needs be.

My Brother is a pain to my mum so what she did was she took him shopping, he got what ever he wanted clothes wise and she made him sign a contract saying he would give a damn about what he looks like.

My mum was embarrassed to go in on school apprasial nights because he was soo scruffy and lazy, he's booked up his ideas an awful lot however he is still a teenager and teenagers know best.

shimmershelly

My kids are no way angels and are messy creatures, but I get them to do basic stuff everyday like opening blinds, making the bed, bringing washing down etc etc (all to be done before school) by making their pocket money dependant on it daily. They get a pound a day if all the chores are done, they get this weekly on a saturday, only if that day they give their room a tidy (they are 12 and 14).
Last week my DD lost hers completely as her room was still a tip on saturday night, and my DS has lost a pound this week for having empty glasses in his room after he had gone to school.
It works for me and them because they have clear guidlines of what they are expected to do, and it really is only 5 minute jobs. They still need nagging sometimes to tidy at the end of the week, but are normally pretty good at the daily tasks.

dorey69

hi, my daughter was the same, its her age, girls are worse, body changes and trying to compete with all the other girls at school etc. talk to her and asure her that she is loved and you are always there to talk. even if she does stamp up stairs and slam the door. lol hope this helps

goggle

A few things come to mind:

1) You tell her to "tidy your room" but does she actually know how/what you mean? Very very often, children really don't know where to start/what to do
2) you say her room is small - I guess she has wayyyy too much stuff for the size of room? Can anything be rmoved, even if just temporarily, and stored elsewhere - even clothes etc. Seriously, some children are so overwhelmed by "stuff" they work far better with almost nothing in their rooms & adding 1-2 things at a time till they get their balance right - its not cruel!
3) if she isn't interested in her appearance, that's fine. Are you a "make up & hair" type person? She may be rebelling, or she may be scared not to know what to do, or she may be having some body issues or she may genuinely not care! I've known many 13 yr olds who prefer to be rolling round in the mud & avoiding showers as well as those who spend hours doing hair & make up! She may have some body image issues - not liking her developing body etc
4) She may be being bulllied & dressing "like a tramp" so that the minor bullying has an easy target &
5) Don't forget that teenagers do genuinely struggle with mornings - it's all to do with the way their bodies are growing/hormones. She possibly needs more sleep than you think
6) She may genuinely not be emotionally ready to be "grown up" yet - can you try treating her as a bit of a child again & helping her with stuff ("it's time to do homework, let's work on it together" or "would you like me to help you clear the top of your dressing table") rather than expecting her to do it alone?

I would suggest that you find someone outside of the immediate family (a friends mum, a youth leader etc) who can go through a few things with her & find the crux of the problem before reacting to much ... it sounds as though there's something far more to this than her simply being "lazy"

Reggie_Rebel

Soon be bonfire night, start piling her crap in the garden now

LonelyLil

goggle wrote: »

6) She may genuinely not be emotionally ready to be "grown up" yet - can you try treating her as a bit of a child again & helping her with stuff ("it's time to do homework, let's work on it together" or "would you like me to help you clear the top of your dressing table") rather than expecting her to do it alone?

This would be my preferred approach. However, my husband says that my "babying" her has led to this laziness in the first place and that at 13 she is more than old enough to keep her room clean, do her homework and keep herself well groomed without constant prompting.

At what age do you put it down to laziness and not emotional immaturity? I was baby sitting at 13 and helping make tea some nights.

lynzpower

Have you asked her why she doesnt for example brush her teeth regularly? The lack of personal care and for example leaving pads on the floor, seem rather strange to me , along with the fact that she doesnt really seem to understand tyhat she is bgetting bullied because of it, and she can do something abut it?? what do you make of this OP?

robbiecaratiger

We have a 13 year old daughter too.

We don't ask a lot from her (I don't think). She's responsible for keeping her room tidy, doing her homework on time, little bit of housework here & there when it's asked of her (which is maybe once a week to polish or hoover or something?)

If she doesn't comply, then it's dead simple - she's not allowed out with her mates. Not allowed on MSN etc.

We give a lot, ask a little. It's a fair deal and she knows it

smartpicture

Once thy're teenageers they're old enough to make their own choices and live with the consequences, so long as it doesn't impact on anyone else. So, with my two teenage girls, their room could be as messy as they want, but their stuff isn't allowed to mess up the rest of the house. If she doesn't bring her washing down on a Saturday, it doesn't get done unless she does it herself (make aure you've shown her how so she has that option). If she loses something, tough. If she doesn't have her favourite top to wear because its slung in the corner from last time, tough. As regards hygiene, once a week I go in and open all the windows, strip the sheets, and stand over her until she removes the unhygeinic stuff like mouldy cups or food, which takes 5 minutes tops, the rest I ignore because it's her personal space and if she chooses to live in a tip, that's her choice, and I have better things to stress about.

If you let yourself get stressed about everything she's not doing right, you'll find that both of you are unhappy all the time because all you're doing is nagging her, and you're not dealing with the things that really matter. Pick your battles wisely.

Or - do what my mother did. If we left our room in a mess, she would give us 2 warnings, then she would gather up everything on the floor into a binbag and hide it for several days. Then we suffered the consequences. And every time we moaned about it, she sympathised and said how sorry she was, but we were the only ones who had the power to change it. It didn't take us long to learn the lesson.