sex drive??

londoner1998

RoxieW wrote: »

As you've prol gathered by the title this is quite personal but I'm wondering if anyone here has had the same issue??
I've been with my OH for 10 yrs and he's always had a very high sex drive - higher than me - and has been for the past 10 years pretty much constantly horny lol. However, all of a sudden, this has plummeted and I'm finding it quite confusing and not sure how to deal with it. We've gone from him being the instigator 80% of the time to things being the other way round. Thing is, I dont want to pressure him. If he doesnt want to then I dont want to push him. I'm just very confused by this sudden change.
He's changed quite a bit recently. He's always been a foodie like me but he's been on a massive health kick the past 6 months and has cut out all 'bad' foods and has lost 3 stone. He's also started going to the gym 4 times a week and has become more vain about his appearance/fashion etc. I want to be supportive but he's working hard to improve his body yet he's not interested in sex, is exhausted all the time and drinks these protein drinks that make his breath smell. I'm also trying to lose weight but he is like a dog with a bone and very strict with himself. He wasn't big before, btw, and I've always found him attractive.
One thing that sprang to mind what do men 'burn' testosterone in the gym? Could that be the reason he's no longer bothered in the bedroom? I'm hoping so because Im starting to turn it in on myself and worry about my appearance. It's just been so sudden I cant quite get my head around it - anyone else experience such a sudden change in their man?

Hello there

I have been on your OH's situation but I am starting to come out of the woods- my sex drive plummeted over the past year (although OH says is three!) mainly due to exhaustion and depression(bereavement, two house moves, three job changes, chronic fatigue and the rest...). You mention he is exhausted- if that is the case, he will not have a lot of energy to spare - that is what happened to me- after a year of insomnia, sleep became and obsession and everything else was secondary. Ishe taking steroids ar any other drugs? Thats is likely to affect his libido, as well as drastic changes in the diet.
I must say, in my case is really is not a reflection of my desire for OH AT ALL, because I love him and fancy him like mad, but I have found that sex is something that the less you do, the less you want to do and vice versa...don't blame yourslef because I doubt it is you. Is he or could he be depressed? How is self-steem?? Iwoudl suggest, spent itme being with each other and being sensual : talk in bed, hug, massge him... and see where it goes form there. If found that a too direct approach makes me feel pressurised, unless it is after lunch and I am at my peak, in which case...:D:D In my case, I am sure there is a chemical component to it, and it might be your OH's case...have you spoken about it?

Lunar_Eclipse

If he is a willing participant despite no longer instigating as much, then I would be inclined not to worry. Having said that, it is more common for sex drive to increase with exercise (endorphin release) and the increased self confidence that a fitter body usually facilitates. I have experience of this happening, not what you have mentioned. Could it be that you find him more attractive and are just the first to initiate, something which he then enjoys?

In case you are confused by the comments regarding the possibility of an affair, the signs you mention (gym, diet, vanity) are all sited as those typical of men having an affair, or planning an escape from a relationship BUT if there are no other signs which unduly worry you, try not to panic and over react.

jillymit

There may be loads of reasons why he's gone of the boil so to speak.
Don't jump to any conclusions.
Try asking him out right what's going on, tell him you're worried about him. It may just be perfectly innocent and he may just be working really hard to 'improve himself'
It's difficult to be supprtive if you feel he's going overboard but try throwing a few compliments his way, tell him how sexy his new look is and see what happens.
Don't suffer in silence, it messes with your head.

RoxieW

Ok, well I've always had real trust issues but I would honestly be very surprised if he was having an affair. We've been together 10 years, 3 kids - the youngest only a baby and he's just not the cheating kind. He's never cheated on me before (to my knowledge). He plays football twice a week but then he always has done but when he goes to the gym he walks from home and I seriously doubt he's be having an affair locally as he doesnt know anyone (unless it was someone actually from the gym but this gym is a very male orientated body building type gym - there are women that go there though). He rarely goes out apart from this - apart from an occasional boys night out. Last fri he went to the cinema with a mutual friend who he see's from time to time (well, that's where he said he was - eeeeek!!) but this is also rare - once every couple of months if that. There are no women at his work either. Although we have had a few issues in the past around facebook so he keeps all his passwords secret now. He says this is because I take things out of context and fly off the handle which is true - if he adds a girl he would get quizzed about it and i'd read his messages for the slightest hint of flirtation (see - trust issues lol). We were forever having big barnies over nothing so he said he was changing his passwords and although I'm not happy about it that's how it's been.
But I honestly would be very surprised if he cheated on me (surprised and completely destroyed). Plus, the way he used to be he was up for it constantly so even if he was meeting someone I dont think it would effect our sex life to this extent - it's literally gone from 100mph to zero!
He's not taking steriods - just the protein drink - yuk. I know he's overdoing it because he keeps losing weight which he doesnt want to lose anymore. I've told him that he is obv not eating enough for the activity he does. he does eat 3 'square' meals a day but is obv burning off alot more. I just wondered if the sex drive thing could be linked to testosterone levels or something that he is 'burning'? I'm not sure how it works. My self esteem isnt that great having not long had a baby but he is always very reassuring.

McKneff

In your original post you said that he instigates sex 80% of the time.
Has it occurred to you that he is fed up of instigating it and is trying to
get you to instigate it more. Just a thought.

Is his performanc okay when it does happen. Maybe he's having trouble in the mens dept and is trying to over compensate.

Dont just automatically think hes getting it elsewhere, there are 101 reasons why this could be happening and after 10 years together you should be able to sit down and talk about it.

RoxieW

Re the affair theory as well, I know he is definitely going to the gym as his body has changed. Apart for the gym/football he isnt one for going out much - only occasionally as I've said.
Still I have sensed a change in our 'closeness'. Obv with having a young baby (and 2 other kids) we're only just coming out of the 'baby fog' and quality time is hard to come by, esp as we both take turns on evenings to go to the gym. As we havent had a babysitter we've also been going out more seperately (me more than him - prol once a fortnight) - for example if there is something on at the cinema we want to watch we have to go seperately with friends whereas before baby we would have more often than not gone together. All that plus the lack of intimacy is making it feel abit wierd. So anyway, I got a babysitter on Saturday and we went out together for the first time and had an absolutely wonderful time - which was good. I talked to him about it abit then but he just says that he doesnt know why but the urge has just gone - plus he's tired. But being tired never stopped him before.
I dont think he's depressed or has any self esteem issues or anything like that. If anything he's become more vain in his appearance and is making more effort along those lines - which is a big change as he's never before been even remotely interested in fashion/clothes (and he's never been 'big' so its not a new thing for him).
Thanks for all the replies so far.

RoxieW

McKneff wrote: »

In your original post you said that he instigates sex 80% of the time.
Has it occurred to you that he is fed up of instigating it and is trying to
get you to instigate it more. Just a thought.

Is his performanc okay when it does happen. Maybe he's having trouble in the mens dept and is trying to over compensate.

Dont just automatically think hes getting it elsewhere, there are 101 reasons why this could be happening and after 10 years together you should be able to sit down and talk about it.

It was him instigating 80% of the time (pretty much every day). But even now when I instigate, I get rejected alot of the time, so I dont think he wants me to be instigator. This is why I dont know how to act because I know how it feels for it to become a bit of a chore sometimes and I dont want to be the one putting him in that situation.

No problems performance wise at all.

1sttimer_2

Not sure what to think here - but when my OH went on a diet/exercise spree, his libido INCREASED! He wasn't over big before, but when he was getting the body he wanted, his ego swelled and thought he was the bees knees and became obsessed with having the (almost) perfect body :rolleyes:

I thought he was a borderline anorexic with his undereating and over exercising but he pooh poohed the idea thinking I was just jealous that he was so good and I was over reacting and being silly about it! :eek: It didn't last long though as he returned to eating normally and exercising less and now is heavier than he was to start with!

dmg24

RoxieW wrote: »

Ok, well I've always had real trust issues but I would honestly be very surprised if he was having an affair. We've been together 10 years, 3 kids - the youngest only a baby and he's just not the cheating kind. He's never cheated on me before (to my knowledge). He plays football twice a week but then he always has done but when he goes to the gym he walks from home and I seriously doubt he's be having an affair locally as he doesnt know anyone (unless it was someone actually from the gym but this gym is a very male orientated body building type gym - there are women that go there though). He rarely goes out apart from this - apart from an occasional boys night out. Last fri he went to the cinema with a mutual friend who he see's from time to time (well, that's where he said he was - eeeeek!!) but this is also rare - once every couple of months if that. There are no women at his work either. Although we have had a few issues in the past around facebook so he keeps all his passwords secret now. He says this is because I take things out of context and fly off the handle which is true - if he adds a girl he would get quizzed about it and i'd read his messages for the slightest hint of flirtation (see - trust issues lol). We were forever having big barnies over nothing so he said he was changing his passwords and although I'm not happy about it that's how it's been.
But I honestly would be very surprised if he cheated on me (surprised and completely destroyed). Plus, the way he used to be he was up for it constantly so even if he was meeting someone I dont think it would effect our sex life to this extent - it's literally gone from 100mph to zero!
He's not taking steriods - just the protein drink - yuk. I know he's overdoing it because he keeps losing weight which he doesnt want to lose anymore. I've told him that he is obv not eating enough for the activity he does. he does eat 3 'square' meals a day but is obv burning off alot more. I just wondered if the sex drive thing could be linked to testosterone levels or something that he is 'burning'? I'm not sure how it works. My self esteem isnt that great having not long had a baby but he is always very reassuring.

I'm really sorry but I don't think you realise how easy it is to hide an affair. I am not saying that he is, but playing devil's advocate:

What is the cheating kind? Nobody becomes a cheat until they do it.

How do you know he doesn't know anyone locally? Other gym members presumably live in the area.

Do you really not find him changing his passwords suspicious? This would have alarm bells screaming at me.

How do you know he is not taking steroids? He could be taking them at the gym, and the injection can leave the tiniest of marks.

RoxieW

I guess i must trust him afterall lol.
I know these are prol the words of a foolish woman but he's just not the cheating type. Plus he must be actually going to the gym as he is seeing results.