sex drive??

DKLS

viktory wrote: »

Or, as someone else has said he could be addicted to steriods. They really decrease sex drive.

OP, you need a frank and open chat with your OH.

It could be nothing!

Totally agree and sincerely hope I am wrong with my initial thoughts at reading the OP.

As usual honest and open communication is key to all of this.

zzzLazyDaisy

I agree. It is pointless speculating about the reason for his sudden lack of interest, but you do need to sit down and talk about it so you can find ways to re-kindle the closeness you once had.

That will mean you BOTH making an extra effort. One good suggestion is a 'date night'. This is where you both agree to set aside one evening a week when its just the two of you. If you can't get a babysitter, you can still make a nice meal, get dressed up, put candles on the table, play some nice music and enjoy each other's company. Or have an indoor picnic. Or whatever. It is a good idea to take it in turns to do something special for the other person on date night, so you both enjoy the anticipation. If you can rope a friend in to babysit occasionally that would be great.

You say you have friends who you each go out with individually while the other stays in with the children - is there any reason why those friends can't occasionally sit in for you while you enjoy some couple time together? It doesn't have to be a long time - a trip to the cinema or to the local pub for a meal, or even going for a walk together, would only mean you being away from home for a couple of hours.

Whatever the reason, you are losing your closeness as a couple, and it is making you feel 'weird', so you both need to put some time and energy into your relationship.

McKneff

I know you said he doesnt work with any women but has there been any new or younger men at work, they can be a big influence when he sees them come in everyday and theyve been to the gym and there using the lastest cologne.
Maybe he is just striving to be 'one of the lads' but as other people have said you both need to sit down and have an adult chat. You'll never be sure what is happening in his head till you do and your just prolonging your own agony.
Good luck

moredeadthanalive

Something similar happened to a friend of mine. After second child arrived, sex took a nosedive and virtually disappeared. He seemed to think that the mother thought that the family was complete and sex was no longer essential. Then tiredness kicked in and this was the excuse.

He went to a gym and then got involved in body building, became friends with some gay types, and then "experimented" batting for the other side. After a while he was found out with catastrophic consequences. The marriage broke up and we just lost contact.

Still can't believe it, but you never know.

Lunar_Eclipse

RoxieW wrote: »

But even now when I instigate, I get rejected alot of the time, so I dont think he wants me to be instigator.

Whilst it is possible for anyone to simply go off sex, I have never heard of a man doing so out of blue, without good reason (depression, stress etc). It is unusual for a man to reject a woman, more so than vice versa. I therefore think there are three explanations for this change in behaviour:

1) He no longer finds his wife sexually attractive
2) He is having an affair
3) He has issues in that area, which could be drug induced.

Also, whilst I am not calling the affair card, I believe there is no cheating kind. Everyone is capable of doing the seemingly impossible. Most partners of those who are unfaithful say their partner would never do it. It's a natural part of placing one's full trust in somebody.

The password thing is ridiculous, although I can see how one could go down this path if they do not feel trusted. The question for me would become 'why don't I trust this person that I am sharing my life with?' Having said that, some people are much easier to trust than others. Some with good reason, others less so.

Hope it comes to nothing and that these replies do not dissolve you to tears.:)

viktory

foxy-roxy wrote: »

Oh i don't know about that, they can also have the opposite effect and make people very sexually aggresive.

Yes, they can cause reduced sperm production, shrinking of the testicles, impotence and irreversible breast enlargement. They can also cause other behavioral effects, including euphoria, increased energy, sexual arousal, mood swings, distractibility, forgetfulness, and confusion.

The majority of reports do state that decreased sex drive. So that, combined with the excessive gym use could be an indicator of a problem in this area.

Savvy_Sue

Just a thought, but if he can't stop losing weight even though he's no longer intending to do so, would it not be a good idea for him to see his GP? If he mentions the loss of libido at the same time, there may be an underlying cause.

However, you need to be honest with each other, and he needs to be honest with the GP to get to the bottom of any of this.

sallymander

Hi Roxie, Just wanted to send you a big hug because I think you might need it!

I went through a similar thing a few years ago, My other half went off the boil after he had a health scare (he would have been the same age as your OH at the time). I always felt rejected and there was no intimacey between us. This lead ME to have an affair and because of it we split up.

Me and my ex are now good friends and have spoken about it, it turns out that it simply was a result of his health scare, but because we didn't deal with it properly at the time it severly damaged our relationship.

My advice would be to talk to him. There are many reasons for it and second guessing or just assuming its an affair wont help. I agree that it may be wise for him to see a GP, he may have depression and not realise it, there may be underlying stress issues, money worries, he may just be over doing at the gym and not have the energy etc etc.

I go to the gym a lot because I enjoy the space that it gives me from other things in my life, peace and quiet, me time etc, and Im wondering if your OH goes for the same reasons? It sounds like you are both still young (im guessing mid to late 20's) and with three children he may feel like he has lost his sense of self / his own identity. Im not a parent but speaking with friends that are I know that can sometimes happen (perhaps more so if you are young and peers are out clubbing, living it up??) If thats the case its nothing to worry about he is just reaffirming his own identity.

I also agree with you that you can have trust issues, even without a wiff of anything wrong. Im exactly the same!

If you had time together at the weekend, and both enjoyed it, it may be that you both just need to spend more quality time together to bring down barriers.

Sorry for the rambling xx

RoxieW

lunar non of your options sound great to me! But I'll look at them anyway

1) I've spoken to him about this and he insists that he does. When we went out Sat night he was full of compliments for me, as he is usually. Plus, I haven't changed. Me after baby number 3 is pretty much me the same as me after baby number 2 and although I'm no cindy crawford I'm reasonably happy with myself some of the time lol. I've toned up alot since going to the gym and am a size 12. I've shrunk abit up top since stopping the breastfeeding but am still an E cup. Plus I can wear my nice undies again :T I'm not a 'slobby' mummy and make an effort to put on makeup, nice clothes etc - as I pretty much always have. I know it sounds like I'm defending myself but this is a big fear of mine and I'd hate it if it was the case. Plus i wouldnt understand it if it was this as he was rampent all the way through my pregnancy (and I got HUGE!!) and when I was breastfeeding so soggy and leaking left right and centre lol. It just doesnt make sense. Although now I suppose he is looking far 'buffer' so in comparison to him

2) When would he be having an affair? He goes to work and comes straight home - then he goes out to football (coming back in a sweaty stinking kit - he also organises the football btw so its not like he just cant turn up) or walks up to the gym. As I said, he must be going to the gym as he is becoming more muscular. Apart from that he goes to work (no women) and will go out occasionally - maybe once every couple of months without me and very rarely this would be clubbing - it's normally to see mike our mutual friend or to the pub with our neighbour to watch a football match If he started 'working late' or something then maybe I'd be worried but I dont see where he'd have the time for another woman. Plus I obviously love this man and the thought that he would throw away 10 yrs and the love/security/happiness of his 3 children is incomprehensible to me. But then I suppose noone thinks it will happen to them. The password thing I know sounds dodgy but I was giving him alot of grief over the smallest thing so I can understand why. I dont like it much but I can get very irrational over that type of thing so it has saved alot of pointless arguements. BTw - i never found anything dodgy on his emails/facebook. Not that he's whiter than white - I have caught him lying before which did shake the trust and I'm only just getting it back so obviously these affair replies are playing on my mind and if I thought he had the time it would worry me but it just doesnt fit with me (and I have a super suspicious mind!).

Phew!

And 3) Well, he's never been into drugs - not even when we were at Uni. he had a bad experience once and he's never done so since. he doesnt smoke or drink much either. I'd be very very surprised if this was the cause. Plus he doesnt have any other symptoms of drug use.

So still

I have spoken to him about it a couple of times and he just says he doesnt know why Just that the urges have suddenly gone. he does say that he's been alot tireder (?sp) than usual and thats all he will say. He's been looking into it (he says) and just says that he needs to eat more red meat.

RoxieW

McKneff wrote: »

I know you said he doesnt work with any women but has there been any new or younger men at work, they can be a big influence when he sees them come in everyday and theyve been to the gym and there using the lastest cologne.
Maybe he is just striving to be 'one of the lads' but as other people have said you both need to sit down and have an adult chat. You'll never be sure what is happening in his head till you do and your just prolonging your own agony.
Good luck

McKneff this is interesting as a young guy did start who was into the gym and he would often mention the little tips he got off him about building up so they obv spoke about it and I did sense that this guy was abit of an inspiration to OH. He's recently left the company though.