Why have I suddenly started thinking about a past affair? Update!

Bettyboop

Sorry if you find the title confusing. About 3 years ago my husband had an affair with a women he met through work. I found out this was going on one day when I was sort of "led" to his phone and some information was revealed in text messages. We were apart for sometime, sought counselling through Relate and eventually came together again.

And now...

2 and a little years later (or for atleast 2 weeks) now I have started thinking about it again? I don't understand it. It's almost like it's a barrier in my life and today when I dwelled on in for a bit some things just don't add up iykwim. Everything I know this other lady told and only by text. My husband maintained for a long time that he didn't do anything but why now would I be doubting him? Tonight I could no longer bare not knowing what exactly happened from his point of view but he doesn't want to talk to me about it or reveal anything to do with it. Or could it be that nothing really happened? From this women I know they went out for meals and talked a lot. Somehow I feel I can't find closure without knowing the whole truth. Am I going crazy? I don't feel normal and I really was just wondering if anyone else ever felt like this?

Update:

Wanted to thank everyone for kindly replying to this thread. After a few weeks of not eating properly and feeling sick it all came out this weekend. My husband slept with this women a few times at her house. They went out for drinks and meals etc. He told her to lie to me about how far they went so I wouldn't divorce him. Devastation is a very strong word but what I feel is so much worse than that. As for guilt he didn't feel any while he was busy with her. He lied by text saying he was working late or doing overtime etc when he was actually doing it with the other women. Physically sick is an understatement that cannot describe this and I would never ever wish anybody to feel this way! I don't know if I am a very deep thinker or what but I know that after he spent his time with her he then came back to our home and climbed into our bed. I have already thrown up from this and the thought of knowing her hands were all over them, they did it not once but many times. He came home and I touched the clothes she took off him it's just so much.

I never ever thought I would ever be a victim of an affair. We have two children now and I suppose they are . I can't erase these thoughts from my mind and it's even worse knowing that I was going to work, looking after our young daughter, cooking and cleaning and I knew nothing! I believed him and his little tramp on the side. I feel like such a loser and an IDIOT for not seeing it then. I don't know what to do or where to go from here... He told me he doesn't want us to divorce or give up everything we have... the thing is while he was busy with her I could have caught some disease or whatever if she passed anything on :eek:. My health was at risk and when I found out I had some mental problems. I had depression and anxiety and these problems led to heart problems where I had to be monitored by ECG on a regular basis. Was I going to have a breakdown then I don't know but now I don't care what happens to me... but I do care about what happens with the children. Does anyone know how long a divorce would take in this situation?

It's a shame that I probably will never understand how a man can do hurt a women doing just this and feel no guilt or shame. It's disgusting and I feel inadequate and not good enough. He never denied it when I said that she was pretty and had nicer clothes and hair than me. All I can say is that I am absolutely heartbroken... and trying to stop the tears but two days on they aren't going anywhere.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

He may be behaving in a way he did at the time of this transgression, and that has reminded you of it?

Bettyboop

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

He may be behaving in a way he did at the time of this transgression, and that has reminded you of it?

He didn't behave any differently the first time around and he doesn't seem to be behaving oddly. I wish I could tap into his head and find out the whole story and not just the drips and drabs that I know .

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

You probably wouldn't like it if you could. My great love of my life and I split up 11 years ago.

When he got back in touch, we got on really well and he finally admitted that he had actually cheated on me once, when he had always denied it, saying they were just friends, he couldn't go through with anything, etc, etc. He cried as he told me, was so sorry, always regretted it, especially as he realised I knew and had closed off from him emotionally.

And it hurt as much 11 years after I left him, as it did when I first found out 'something' was going on.

We're still friends. TBH, I still love him and I think he still loves me, but there was no going back, especially as I now know for certain that he lied to me for so long.

ICATQ

and if he does tell you the truth? You might get closure but will you be able to stay with him? what is being with him worth. Might be best to let sleeping dogs lie.

Firefly

It's called trust ... when that's been damaged it's really hard to repair the void that has been created and many never can. I know how you feel as these things do eat into you at the strangest moment which is why I couldn't move on in the same relationship.

At times, it doesn't take much to replay all that doubt, fear and mis-trust. I somehow doubt that anything he could say would alleviate those fears.

How about another top-up session with relate?

Hope you manage to work something out.

foxy-roxy

That is why i cannot forgive and forget, i just torture myself with images and thoughts of scenario's that probably didn't even happen.
If you really can't forget then you may need to tell him for your own peace of mind.
why should you suffer for something he did to you?
Personally i couldnt do it, but as my sig says, 'it's so easy to be brave for someone else'

MrsTinks

either you let go if it or him... what if he IS telling the truth and nothing happened? You wouldn't believe him if he said so because you've convinced yourself he did have an affair based on the womans story/lies/whatever.

You obviously can't let go of the doubt so that leaves one thing...

In short - either you trust him or you don't.

Pee

Apart from the issues of trust, is it a good relationship? Are you basically happy, apart from these past two weeks dwelling on the past?

The past is the past. You have chosen to forgive him and move on. If you can't forgive him, then your relationship is over, because you will only end up hurting and destroying one another.

Some more counselling might be a good idea. Do you spend enough time with him? Does he make you feel valued?

mumhug

I really dont think you would want to know the details that would probably prove harder to deal with.

Daaisy

I think things we feel and cannot rationalise are our instincts trying to warn us something is not quite right

Maybe you are picking up on behaviour by your partner which you subconsciously remember happening 3 years ago.

I never quite believed my ex husband when he finally told me had had been having a non-physical friendship with a younger woman he worked with

Her husband had found texts between them and left her and my ex panicked in case he contacted me

I had been questioning my ex husbands behaviour over the previous six months and was repeatedly told i was paranoid

He had been working away a lot doing a job which was supposed to be mostly home based

i decided to try and give things another go ( with us having four kids i felt i needed to for them)

But after 4 months things were even worse and i asked him to leave as the children and i were really struggling

I had repeatedly asked him to go to relate and even booked us in but he refused.to go and i ended up going on my own..........

I always thought that if he had nothing to hide then he would have gone to try and help repair what was left of our 20 year marriage

2 months after he left i found a ticket for a big football match my ex husband had gone to in london with our eldest son who had kept it as a souvenir

and i found it had her ( the other woman's) husbands name and address on it
(i know you couldnt read this in a book !!!) it transpired he had paid for it.

I used the name and address to get this guys phone number and when i contacted this guy and he knew exactly who i was. He confirmed what i already really knew and that was that they ( my ex husband and his wife had been sleeping together)

he had decided not to contact me as he knew we had four children and thought it better if i didnt know as maybe it would all blow over.......and refused to tell me what was in the texts he had found....he said i didnt need to hear it

The stupid thing is............ i could have forgiven him for cheating............ i just couldnt get over the fact that he had lied continually and that i had almost believed him.

what can i say ???

I really listen to that little voice now when it tells me something is not right !!!

But that doesnt necessarily mean that your partner is cheating............it just means that you have picked up on something and i guess you guys really need to talk this thro .

Maybe after three years the "extra" effort has worn a bit thin and you both need to make more time together to do nice things and enjoy each others company.

I choose a different path and he chose the other woman.who he married as soon as our divorce came thro



you have choices

I wish you luck

Daaisy