Why have I suddenly started thinking about a past affair? Update!

Bettyboop

looktothefuture wrote: »

I was being ironic Betty.

It's the anger in me that doesn't make me sound sincere enough! I apologise if i sounded insincere but the similarities are startling and I couldn't help thinking "did I write that in my rage-filled daze last night?"

For what it's worth honey, we both need to take these wonderful peoples advice and sit down with our husbands and talk it through, don't we deserve that much? It's not alot and it'll hurt like hell but don't you think we need to know why they've brought our world crashing down around our ankles?

My marriage is worth saving, I love him and I don't doubt that you love your husband but this is a long tough journey we are both beginning - I'm here if you need anyone to talk to!

Hi, of course we need to know why our world is crashing down around us but hopefully your other half is different. When I asked why he did what he did he couldn't tell me? He said that he doesn't know why and that it was fooling and stupid... For me it makes it worse because for a very long time I thtought it was all my fault.. everything but now after everything I have been through it wasn't me not at all. I'm completely harmless and they worst things I have ever done is shout at my kids... not so much anymore and I have killed a few bees.

Bettyboop

Atomised wrote: »

I don't think he deserves a third chance. I know it is easy telling a stranger to walk away from a man they love but he lied for years and has done it more than once. I'm the type of person who would want to know every detail as the truth is important to me , you have the truth now so more facts aren't needed.
I'm sorry you feel so bad , hope things work out for the best.




A lot of people say that people only cheat if the relationship is wrong but I think it is too simplistic and places the blame on the wronged partner.
Some people cheat due to greed , being bored or just having it offered on a plate. I knew someone who finally found a lovely man who accepted her and her son , she had sex with a co worker in a cupboard and couldn't tell me why. Don't blame yourself! He is the one who cheated and broke vows , not you.

And me while I know more now I wonder if I will feel worse or better knowing absolutely every detail. I asked him what she looked like and he won't tell me. Was she pretty he says she was okay? I have had two kids and don't have an iorning board for a tummy anymore and looking at myself I want to change everything about me. I can tell you I am struggling with the temptation not to phone her and yell abuse at her... she is sitting pretty have got so much from my husband to only walk away and find another guy to screw over... :mad:. Think everyone can tell I am seething...

jinky67

Bettyboop wrote: »

And me while I know more now I wonder if I will feel worse or better knowing absolutely every detail. I asked him what she looked like and he won't tell me. Was she pretty he says she was okay? I have had two kids and don't have an iorning board for a tummy anymore and looking at myself I want to change everything about me. I can tell you I am struggling with the temptation not to phone her and yell abuse at her... she is sitting pretty have got so much from my husband to only walk away and find another guy to screw over... :mad:. Think everyone can tell I am seething...

I can understand your anger towards her, BUT your OH is the one who did this not her.

He should be answering all your questions. I would be wondering why he is unwilling to :cool:
i would want to know everything, no matter how hard it was to hear.
As far as I am concerned, your OH is hoping by not talking to you about these things, that the guilt he feels will go away, and you will forget about it soon, and everything will get back to normal:rolleyes:

Bettyboop

jinky67 wrote: »

I can understand your anger towards her, BUT your OH is the one who did this not her.

He should be answering all your questions. I would be wondering why he is unwilling to :cool:
i would want to know everything, no matter how hard it was to hear.
As far as I am concerned, your OH is hoping by not talking to you about these things, that the guilt he feels will go away, and you will forget about it soon, and everything will get back to normal:rolleyes:

I know Jinky but it takes two to tango doesn't it. This house has been a mini warzone the last few days but she lied for him because he asked her to. Why didn't she just use her better judgement? I see your point about him being unwilling to answer some of my questions. I mean it's bad now so I might aswell suffer all at once for everything instead of in drips and drabs.

laurasbump

Just sending you a virtual hug.

I married a guy 6 years ago and found explicit texts on his phone only 8 weeks after our wedding. He refused to acknowedge any affair but after further digging I discovered another 2 women and had a positive chlamydia test. That was the wake up call I needed and I got out. However, there were no kids or financial ties like a joint mortgage.

I now have a partner of 4 years and although I wouldn't question his loyalty to me I do have 'panic' moments. The difference now is that we have 1 (nearly 2) children together, but I still don't think even that would save things if he had an affair. The affair would always be a part of our relationship.

In retrospect, I realise that I'd been seeing the signs of the affairs for months before but chose to ignore them. I even think that he did it with other women in our bed. Urgh! I think sometimes we deny problems to protect ourselves. My confidence was badly knocked after the breakdown in our relationship. I think it affects me still. Other than the affair have you had any other problems/pressures in your relationship that could be making you feel angry with your husband?

The other thing I was wondering was about whether you take any medication. I'm not trying to be funny or critical but having suffered from depression in the past I realise how overwhelming things can feel when you're feeling down. Maybe a trip to your GP - even just for a chat would help. I hope the dark cloud lifts soon so that you can feel confident in your decisions.

Take care,

Laura x

jinky67

Bettyboop wrote: »

I know Jinky but it takes two to tango doesn't it. This house has been a mini warzone the last few days but she lied for him because he asked her to. Why didn't she just use her better judgement? I see your point about him being unwilling to answer some of my questions. I mean it's bad now so I might aswell suffer all at once for everything instead of in drips and drabs.

he asked her to lie to cover his own back.

yes she is guilty as hell, especially as she knew he was with you, BUT he did this to you not her:cool:

he needs to accept responsibilty for what he has done, and all I can see is him trying to wheedle his way out of it:rolleyes:

Stephb1986_2

It's your husband thats owes you the loyalty hun not the woman he is messing about with although women should stick together and they should of told you the truth she is as much of a !!!!!! as your husband is. If I was you I wouldn't give him a second chance never mind a third! My family know someone who's husband works away alot in china, japan, korea ect ect he's been having an affair on his wife for the last 10 years and he was even feeling up another woman on his wedding day! She asked for a divorce ect was looking at houses and stuff too she's having a nervous breakdown and thinks everyone is following her and the police helicopter is coming for her but all of a sudden the sun shines out of his backside and they have renewed their wedding vows without telling anyone at all until it was done! Says alot doesn't it.

I don't want you going crazy like that though

Steph xx

shell_girl

You mentioned a couple of posts back that you were angry because this woman lied for your husband because he asked her to... Got to say personally I would be more angry at him for asking her to lie to me as his wife iykwim?

The saying 'two to tango', to me implies that you are blaming them 50/50 for this affair. With respect, this other woman owes you nothing. She didn't make vows to be faithful to you, she didn't build a life with you. Your husband did- and he cheated on you. A woman who (from what I've understood from the thread) is nothing to do with you has behaved in a way that you personally don't like, but it's your husband who's betrayed you- not her.

Are you blaming them equally so that you can forgive your husband for his part but not her for hers?

I really do feel for you- I realise my post may sound blunt but I promise that's not how it's meant- they're just some points that I wanted you to think about in the hope that it will help.

SambaRamba

He sounds like one big disappointment of a husband, father and man. He's not only cheated on you but has cheated his children who are under the illusion that daddy loves mummy. Now the responsibility is on you to protect them and to not break that illusion while going through this awful turmoil. He's selfish and needs to accept just how many lives and innocent hearts he's breaking.

You shouldn't be looking to yourself for the reasons as to why he did it. He did it because he could and he thought only about himself. Please try not to let yourself get ill, stay strong for yourself and your children. Your only mistake was trusting him. I hope one day he realises just how precious your trust in him was, because I bet he'll never have anyone feel that way towards him again, not even his kids if they ever found out how hes betrayed you all.

As for him, he should be open and honest about everything he's been up to. If he shows true remorse then there's hope, but if for one minute he suggests it's your fault then he really is a pathetic man who has a lot to learn about himself.

Take care x

Bettyboop

shell_girl wrote: »

You mentioned a couple of posts back that you were angry because this woman lied for your husband because he asked her to... Got to say personally I would be more angry at him for asking her to lie to me as his wife iykwim?

The saying 'two to tango', to me implies that you are blaming them 50/50 for this affair. With respect, this other woman owes you nothing. She didn't make vows to be faithful to you, she didn't build a life with you. Your husband did- and he cheated on you. A woman who (from what I've understood from the thread) is nothing to do with you has behaved in a way that you personally don't like, but it's your husband who's betrayed you- not her.

Are you blaming them equally so that you can forgive your husband for his part but not her for hers?

I really do feel for you- I realise my post may sound blunt but I promise that's not how it's meant- they're just some points that I wanted you to think about in the hope that it will help.

shell, I am not good at explaining things. I resent her so much and hate her for going with a married man with a family? I can't understand women who do this or men for that matter. If one cant be attached to one person why marry? Instead they could be free to go around sleeping with whoever and catching whatever disease that's going around. As for forgiveness well that's not going to happen today or tomorrow for that matter but I don't know when I will be able to. Yes my husband is the main culprit he didn't turn away and that's what hurts so very much...... and even though these things happen you wonder why or how you can love someone so much when something like this has happened. I would very much just like to vanish around about now....