Relationship advice please

Pee

Maybe a little more focusing on what she can do and not what she has done... She said she knows it was wrong.

cookies_and_crem

A friend has sent me this link.
I think you are all being harsh on the OP. You have been with the same man since 15 and it sounds as if the love was lost a long time ago. Do you feel trapped? Did you ever have a 'fun' relationship?
Eitherway, it sounds as if this affair has more to do with your loveless marriage and less to do with this guy.
I imagine that you life has been shaped by the kids and husband. Do you know who 'you' are? Do you get excitment in your life?
If I were you I would take a long hard look at your marriage and circumstances and take it from there. I would also have a long chat with my husband to try and get him to do something before it is too late.
(Oh and in case you are wondering I am late 20s, getting married next year, professional, no children. Your OP struck a chord as I was bought up to work hard and enjoy myself while young as the family trap lasts longer than what my teens and 20s do. I did and I am grateful as it means that my partner (of 4 years) and I have a relationship based on equality and without some of the petty issues over housekeeping and money that I read on here. No relationship is perfect, but I know that in knowing what i want from life and waiting for Mr Right who has the same approach)).

I take it you are only just now analysing what you want from life?

C&C

Glen0000

cookies_and_crem wrote: »

A friend has sent me this link.
I think you are all being harsh on the OP. You have been with the same man since 15 and it sounds as if the love was lost a long time ago. Do you feel trapped? Did you ever have a 'fun' relationship?
Eitherway, it sounds as if this affair has more to do with your loveless marriage and less to do with this guy.
I imagine that you life has been shaped by the kids and husband. Do you know who 'you' are? Do you get excitment in your life?
If I were you I would take a long hard look at your marriage and circumstances and take it from there. I would also have a long chat with my husband to try and get him to do something before it is too late.
(Oh and in case you are wondering I am late 20s, getting married next year, professional, no children. Your OP struck a chord as I was bought up to work hard and enjoy myself while young as the family trap lasts longer than what my teens and 20s do. I did and I am grateful as it means that my partner (of 4 years) and I have a relationship based on equality and without some of the petty issues over housekeeping and money that I read on here. No relationship is perfect, but I know that in knowing what i want from life and waiting for Mr Right who has the same approach)).

I take it you are only just now analysing what you want from life?

C&C

She has kids. What she wants has little to do with it. The term "made your bed" springs to mind.

Debt_Free_Chick

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Okay - so now you know what it's like to kiss and have sex with another man. Is this the end of your journey of exploration? Next time you meet some man who flatters you a little, will you be as quick to whip off your knickers or has your curiosity been satisfied?

I can understand that with an undemonstrative husband and a recent large weight loss, your self-esteem may have been low. However, are you mature enough to see that the sexual attentions of a dirty little user of women like your workman is no compliment at all? It is actually the most horrible criticism of you since he was somehow able to perceive that you were "gagging for it". Is there anything to glory in that a low-life such as him found a woman so lacking in pride that she not only had sex with him on several occasions, she was so eager to find out what she had been 'missing' that she screwed him in the marital bed! If that is all the loyalty you feel that you owe to your husband, then I would suggest that you already know that you want the marriage to end.

What part of your liaison was based on his concern for your welfare, respect for the person you are inside, liking for your sense of humour or your cheerful outlook on life? What part of love is involved that he is willing to put at risk the health, safety and welfare of his own wife and child as well as yours, and all for the sake of a quick leg-over. Do you think that in a year from now he will remember your name unless you remind him where you live and what work he did on the house? Why do you act in a way that suggests that in your own eyes you are worth so little?

I really cannot emphasise enough that you have been playing the most dangerous game. You are still at such terrible risk of the whole matter becoming known. Once your marriage is destroyed, you will have no options as to whether or not you try to pep it up - and make no mistake, that decision is now utterly out of your own hands - is chummy already down the pub giving his mates the nudge-nudge-wink-wink that he knows where a real goer lives? Being a sahm will no longer be your free choice. You could quite conceivably lose the children that you yourself described as "beautiful". And for what .... ?

I think you need to stop comparing yourself to your friends who have had "multiple partners" and instead look at your own issues of self-esteem. Take up some of the good advice given to you about part-time work or an outside hobby .. unless of course the whole point of this nasty little episode was to bring about the end of your marriage.

If that was really what you were wanting to achieve, then in my view you don't need advice from fellow mse members - you just need the name of a good divorce lawyer.

Whilst it's very difficult to argue with the raw bones of your arguments, I struggle to believe you are a woman, with all of the low self-esteem and hormone-induced behaviour that entails.

I can see you've attracted a number of "thanks" but I'm just a little disappointed that you haven't shown more empathy.

I cheated on my ideal partner at the age of 46. No, I wasn't "mature enough" to see that the flattering attentions of another man was just that. I had a partner that I deeply loved, but who failed to see that I needed his attention; I failed to understand that his flirtations with our acquaintances were just that. I failed to "big up my ego" with my own self esteem and - ashamedley - I needed the acknowledgement and validation of my chosen partner. When I didn't get it, it simply fed my low self-esteem and "proved" to me that I did not deserve him; that I simply "wasn't good enough". I was in a deep, smelly dark place by then.

And do you know what? He knew what I needed. But he was too busy having a good time whilst I created a "perfect home" for him

Don't be so quick to judge. None of us are that simple - we are all so very complex. I wish life was like the perfect predictable world you've painted ... but sadly, it ain't that way.

Give the girl a break, eh?

Debt_Free_Chick

V quick post as I'm off to bed ... it's sad to see that this has become a bit of a witch-hunt ... especially with so many women posting such self-righteous posts.

The one thing I've learned lately ... is that when people behave irrationally, they are dealing with a great personal trauma.

I may post back in a day or so, but I have an early (5am) start tomorrow :eek:

Be kind to eachother ....

viktory

Debt_Free_Chick wrote: »

Give the girl a break, eh?

How about she gives her hard working husband a break, eh?

Sorry, but I don't consider staying faithful particularly hard to achieve. You and she can trot all the excuses in the world but the fact is her behaviour is damaging to her current relationship and that will have a negative impact on her children.

What really sticks in my craw is the fact that the OP has admitted she feels no guilt.

Oh and I still don't consider this to be an affair. As far as I can tell, the OP and Bob the builder go up to the bedroom, shag on the marital bed before she goes off to hoover and he does the work he is being paid to do. My definition of an affair is "A romantic and emotionally intense sexual or emotional relationship that may not last long that is between two people who are not married to one another"

There is no romance here, no attempt to woo or be wooed. It is sex.

ceridwen

Debt_Free_Chick wrote: »

V quick post as I'm off to bed ... it's sad to see that this has become a bit of a witch-hunt ... especially with so many women posting such self-righteous posts.

The one thing I've learned lately ... is that when people behave irrationally, they are dealing with a great personal trauma.

I may post back in a day or so, but I have an early (5am) start tomorrow :eek:

Be kind to eachother ....

It may well often be that someone is doing something irrational because of the "great personal trauma" - on the other hand it may not. It doesnt sound like there is any "great personal trauma" in this case - just boredom.

It is the case as well that the vast majority of us can "let off a bit of steam" in the wrong direction at times:o - but even huge traumas dont excuse us for indulging in "bad behaviour" - as we always have to try and bear in mind our responsibilities to other people. Other people are entitled to be safe from those near to them behaving badly because they were hurt in some way in the first place.

If someone is treated badly in some way by another person they know - then I dont expect them to turn round and take it out on me for instance - as I wont have been the one who deserved it.

ceridwen

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Okay - so now you know what it's like to kiss and have sex with another man. Is this the end of your journey of exploration? Next time you meet some man who flatters you a little, will you be as quick to whip off your knickers or has your curiosity been satisfied?

I can understand that with an undemonstrative husband and a recent large weight loss, your self-esteem may have been low. However, are you mature enough to see that the sexual attentions of a dirty little user of women like your workman is no compliment at all? It is actually the most horrible criticism of you since he was somehow able to perceive that you were "gagging for it". Is there anything to glory in that a low-life such as him found a woman so lacking in pride that she not only had sex with him on several occasions, she was so eager to find out what she had been 'missing' that she screwed him in the marital bed! If that is all the loyalty you feel that you owe to your husband, then I would suggest that you already know that you want the marriage to end.

What part of your liaison was based on his concern for your welfare, respect for the person you are inside, liking for your sense of humour or your cheerful outlook on life? What part of love is involved that he is willing to put at risk the health, safety and welfare of his own wife and child as well as yours, and all for the sake of a quick leg-over. Do you think that in a year from now he will remember your name unless you remind him where you live and what work he did on the house? Why do you act in a way that suggests that in your own eyes you are worth so little?

I really cannot emphasise enough that you have been playing the most dangerous game. You are still at such terrible risk of the whole matter becoming known. Once your marriage is destroyed, you will have no options as to whether or not you try to pep it up - and make no mistake, that decision is now utterly out of your own hands - is chummy already down the pub giving his mates the nudge-nudge-wink-wink that he knows where a real goer lives? Being a sahm will no longer be your free choice. You could quite conceivably lose the children that you yourself described as "beautiful". And for what .... ?

I think you need to stop comparing yourself to your friends who have had "multiple partners" and instead look at your own issues of self-esteem. Take up some of the good advice given to you about part-time work or an outside hobby .. unless of course the whole point of this nasty little episode was to bring about the end of your marriage.

If that was really what you were wanting to achieve, then in my view you don't need advice from fellow mse members - you just need the name of a good divorce lawyer.

...and actually - in response to comment above - this is the single post in the thread I most agree with - Paddys Mum is talking her usual good sense.

cookies_and_crem

She has kids. What she wants has little to do with it. The term "made your bed" springs to mind.

Actually I think the fact that she has kids has everything to do with this. I am not saying she needs to leave her marriage, but she needs to find an identity for herself. Children learn how to be a family from their parents and if mum (and possibly dad) are unhappy (and I don't just mean sexually) they may learn that it is normal.
This woman has been in the same relationship since she was a child, the love has been lost and she doesn't work. I assume that it means she has led the same life during her formative years and now feels lost. Do you not think that the sex was a result of pent-up fustration (and I do not mean sexual fustration) which has taken the OP by surprise?

OP - After a nasty break-up some years (early 20s) ago I had to pick myself up. I invested more time and effort into my friends and myself by going out (sometimes to a museum by myself), studying (which I had been doing anyway admittedly) and generally getting new experiences. Would you be able to go away for a few days by yourself to get your head together? Decide what you want from life and invest in your family and yourself? I personally would go away with my partner joining me for the last day or so with no kids to have an extended chat - your husband may actually surprise you with his own feelings about your lives together.

p.s - I like to think that I wouldn't tell him about the fling as I really think it is a reflection of your situation rather than an affair (not that I condone it because I don't) but I know I would, which incidentally is the reason why I have never cheated in any way. Having said that it is done now and maybe it will be the shock you need to put your life on track away from simply 'existing'.

vodaphonesimcard

I just thought id come back and update the thread. Workman is still downstairs today - job taking an extra 2 days so im upstairs
I really would like to go back to work but DH is not good with the kids and does not see it as the done thing for a man to be looking after them. I have few friends myself but I occasionally go out. OH likes his own company. I tried last night to chat with him but he doesnt see theres anything wrong. I really could walk in a room stark naked and he wouldnt notice. Its like hes in his own small world. Having thought long and hard im sure im regreting settling down too young. I was as good as forced into marriage very young. I never did the clubbing and getting drunk stage with my mates
Id love to go back to uni but with 2 children its just not possible.
If he just bought me a bunch of flowers or even smiled it would help
As for him hating him job. Its a very simple job which is why he doesnt like it. He says hes not being stretched.
I dont know if this guy just thinks im another bed notch but I cannot ask him to think anything less of me as really I dont of him. It was just sex. Mine and Oh sex life is milatary when I do get it. He just wants me to do all the work. I suggested long ago about spicing things up but he looked at me gone out
So today im upstairs hiding pretending to be ill