Relationship advice please

ClareEmily

Temptation will no doubt be presented to everyone during their marriage.

I for one miss the initial excitment of a first kiss etc, basically being in lust not love.

Sounds like you and your husband are both unhappy, it is easy to slip into a can't be bothered attitude to make an effort around each other. For example when we were dating I took ages to get ready but sometimes now I think why make such an effort especially if they no longer notice or compliment you.

I think you need to remember your shared history, think back about when you were dating, moved into together, first holiday, first pregnancy etc etc. You have built a life and a family with this man, and the grass will NOT be greener.

I know my hubby runs a mile when I say lets talk, so maybe pay him some compliments, listen and sympathise about his job and suggest some alternative options, in other words be supportive.

Book a short break without the children, you need something to look forward to.

Cut ties with this other man completely, see him for what he is. Draw a line under this, remember those marriage vows you said in front of your hubby, friend's and family.

Sounds like also you need to get a few hours work to get you out of the house, making your own money and making some new friends, you sound very lonely and isolated.

vodaphonesimcard

A break without the kids would be great. A break of nay type would be but its just not possible. Theres nobody to have them. He doesn provide for my and the kids but as I no longer work its like he sees the kids as 100% my job. Im quite a bright person and I just feel trapped by my own house. I wont ever tell him what happened. Part of me actaully thinks he would turn a blind eye to it which I know sounds bad. I reply on him for money and he replys on me for everything else. I feel 50!

Glen0000

vodaphonesimcard wrote: »

I just thought id come back and update the thread. Workman is still downstairs today - job taking an extra 2 days so im upstairs
I really would like to go back to work but DH is not good with the kids and does not see it as the done thing for a man to be looking after them. I have few friends myself but I occasionally go out. OH likes his own company. I tried last night to chat with him but he doesnt see theres anything wrong. I really could walk in a room stark naked and he wouldnt notice. Its like hes in his own small world. Having thought long and hard im sure im regreting settling down too young. I was as good as forced into marriage very young. I never did the clubbing and getting drunk stage with my mates
Id love to go back to uni but with 2 children its just not possible.
If he just bought me a bunch of flowers or even smiled it would help
As for him hating him job. Its a very simple job which is why he doesnt like it. He says hes not being stretched.
I dont know if this guy just thinks im another bed notch but I cannot ask him to think anything less of me as really I dont of him. It was just sex. Mine and Oh sex life is milatary when I do get it. He just wants me to do all the work. I suggested long ago about spicing things up but he looked at me gone out
So today im upstairs hiding pretending to be ill

Sorry you are just making excuses. Use childcare like millions of other parents.

My wife (who went to uni with a child) had a friend on her course with 5 kids, a single mum too. It can be done. She is now doing her Masters. On her course 50% were mature students, most of them women with kids ranging from newborn to teens.

vodaphonesimcard

Glen theres simply not the money to pay for childcare. There are grants avalable but to people with less than a 20k income.
Id need someone to do school runs and then take the little one with me to the onsite nursery. Thats 35 pounds a day.
Id say a massive well done to the lasy that did it with 5 kids

Glen0000

vodaphonesimcard wrote: »

Glen theres simply not the money to pay for childcare. There are grants avalable but to people with less than a 20k income.
Id need someone to do school runs and then take the little one with me to the onsite nursery. Thats 35 pounds a day.
Id say a massive well done to the lasy that did it with 5 kids

There is also the uni hardship fund. You need to look into it A LOT more. My friends husband was on £30k, but got full time childcare paid by the hardship fund.

There is lots of help for parents and most courses are only a few hours a week anyway and full time care is not needed. Unis are very family friendly thesedays.

You say you want change, but are putting barriers in the way at every turn.

mummy_Jay

Ok, I'm not going to comment on whats happens, it's done, lets see about you.

Do you think your OH could manage looking after the kids once a week so maybe you could do a class, something like yoga or even a NVQ in something that interests you? It would give you a little you time and get you socialising with others, which may help you feel better.

If he can't do that for you, how about when the kids are both in bed, leave him with the kids for half hour and go for a jog, it may help you feel better about yourself and a little less trapped.

As for uni how about open university? You can do the work at your own pace to fit round the kids and work towards what you want.

If I could wave a magic wand and give you the solutions to get there what career, degree course or other activities that are just for you (nothing to do with sex or relationships), what would you choose? You seem to need to find some goals, once you know what you want, you can start working on a plan to get there.

Its up to you to make changes in your life and up to you to make yourself happy but next time you fancy a quick thrill how about bungie jumping?

paddy's_mum

I wrote a long and very considered post .. and the site gobbled it :mad:

I don't understand what it is that makes people think that any reply I give is based on anything except bitter experience. If I had £1 for every foolish thing I've ever done, and £50 for each of the huge mistakes I've made in this life, I'd be a rich woman lying on a beach in the sun somewhere!

It seems to me that the OP has not even attempted to sort out the problems in the marriage. It also appears to me that she has major issues of self esteem and self worth. A common sidekick of fragile self esteem is destructive behaviour - how is behaving badly going to bolster her estimation of her own worth - indeed, might it actively diminish her in her own eyes? That whole issue needs to be examined, in my view, and that was the thrust of many of my comments.

I am disappointed that nowhere in the OP does there appear to be any hint of concern for the fundamental safety of this family. If by frankly frightening her, she takes a long hard look at what is going on in her thoughts and her life, have I been cruel? I don't think so.

What good do sympathetic responses achieve? Might it be the case that some straight speaking and a drop or two of hostility would push the OP into examining what she is actually doing? Is sounding a stark warning of imminent and deadly danger a wrong thing to do? Would sympathetic responses suggest to the OP that people are tacitly agreeing with her that she is a victim rather than a perpetrator? Nobody on this earth made the OP take off her knickers except herself and the why of that is what she needs to understand, since we're not talking about a bit of harmless flirting here, are we?

I applaud Debt Free Chick's bravery in telling of her situation but would ask if her hard-won self knowledge is of value. Given the identical circumstances would she behave that way again or has what she learned helped her to see things differently and avoid future pain? It is self knowledge that the OP needs, in my view or she will go on in this terribly dangerous fashion until disaster strikes.

If my responses are seen as a little harsh or not empathetic then so be it. I'm afraid my pity lies with the innocent members of this family who may very soon find their world utterly destroyed by the actions of a woman who doesn't love them enough to recognise her weaknesses nor look deeply into her own heart.

paddy's_mum

I've been out to sit in the sunshine for a bit while I have my elevenses, and was mulling over this thread. I take back not one word of what I have written. However, dissent (thanks, DFC :hello:) should and has made me think a little more deeply.

vodaphonesimcard - whatever the rights and wrongs of what you did, whatever the weaknesses of yourself, your hubby and the marriage, whatever you see as potential ways forward from the unhappy place you are currently in, however hopeless you may feel - there is only one way to mend the situation and that is to communicate with your husband.

Anything else - talking to friends, posting here, reading advice columns, confessing your deepest fears to yourself - it all is totally irrelevant if it won't get the festering sore of the silences within your marriage out into the open.

It is not enough for him, or you, to say that he isn't very good at talking, or that the situation is hopeless. Forgive me but until you have explored every avenue, you do not have the right to say that, if you see what I mean.

Many people within this thread have said all the above, albeit in different ways. Now it is for you to insist that a light be shone onto the problems or else accept that in your heart, you are willing to give up without a fight.

There aren't words to convince you that I so deeply understand what it is to feel worthless or unattractive or never good enough. What I do know, having seen people learn it the hard way, is that to lightly throw away the good in your marriage along with what isn't so wonderful will lead you to nothing but sorrow, grief and regret that you didn't try hard enough.

Won't you grit your teeth, grab your courage with both hands and begin to make changes for the better, for the sake of you all? I wish you well.

cookies_and_crem

What good do sympathetic responses achieve?

Not that I can believe that i am responding again but.. The OP sounds fairly upset to me - she does not sound like a wanton woman having her dirty way, she is not boasting...

What good do sympathetic responses do? Well I do have a sympathy for the OP I would hate to be in her position. But telling her what a tramp she is is not productive, I imagine she probably thinks worse about herself right now. Paddy's mum, what is your advice to the OP exactly? What should she do now? Beat herself around the head with a frying pan?

Whats done is done, she doesn't seem to sound as if she will do it again and she cannot turn back time. She has made an awful error, but there is simply nothing she can do to take it away. It would be a negative energy to concentrate on what happened rather than focus on 'well, what happens now'? In fact I'm pretty impressed that she hasn't simply embarked upon an affair (of sorts) to get her thrills as this would be an easy option - she obviously loves her family.

For the record, some of us 'sympathisers' appear to be addressing her feelings of low self-esteem and self-worth and to address her weaknesses. We are telling her to change her life, that she has the power to do it. i am not telling her to break-up a home that's not my place to say, but the point is it has happened, it is done, beating yourself up is counter-productive in my book..

A little forward thinking to ensure this situation does not happen again and that the whole family is content and happy is the way to go. The reference to bitter experience is definately ept.

OP - Think out of the box. What about cake decorating, flower arranging, mechanics (for example)? Can you do courses during the day so that you may be able to do some work from home in the future? Google is your friend see what's out there and grab it. You only have one life so there is no point in wasting it! You would be surprised how achieving something boosts your self-esteem - get books from the library and teach yourself something (a language, how to train a dog or even hamster). It really doesn't matter what it is. Take one step at a time and the follwoing steps to get out of your rut will be easier! What about a project with the kids for example? after a while your husband may join in? (Say fishing, hiking, local history etc).

Feel free to PM me if you wish.

taxi97w

Despite what the seeminly religious fanatic is saying, you come first- not your children and not your husband. If you don't put your own needs and happiness first you will be denying yourself your own life, and you won't be 100% present to anyone.

Marriage is a religious/state concoction and was initially created to keep wealth within certain rich families during the middle ages.
When this phase in society and history passed, the meaning of marriage had to be altered. Women were shunned by men initially (then women also for Pete's sake) for having children outside of marriage (women have always had the raw deal in most religions). This was for the benefit of the men who wanted legal liniage of their offspring (money and male ego).
When this phase in society and history passed (thanks to women for a change) in the 1960's, the meaning of marriage had to be altered again, as women were no longer shunned for having illegitimate (not legal) children.
Now, it seems marriage is the domain of same sex couples who see it for what it really is, a legal document- nothing to do with love, never was and never will be, unless you fall for the religious clap trap.

BTW Adultery is another religous concept to keep you trapped into marriage- so don't feel bad about it, unless you want to be.

So my advice? Considering hubby thinks it's your domain to look after the children, I wouldn't worry about the worst case senario, you will end up with the kids if it all goes haywire, and you will survive. It will not be fun at first- but like climbing Mt Everest when you get to the top on your own it will all be worth it- and you will be free at last and you will have a chance to be who you really are, confidence will sour and perhaps you will find someone who really treasures you. :heart2: