Relationship advice please

superstar27

Hi OP

I am also a regular poster but am posting under a different username.

I understand where you are coming from - I have been with my OH for 4 years and as much as he is amazing in every other way he is not a very affectionate person, I know he does love and care for me but doesn't say it or show it in a physical way and for me that was very frustrating, only having sex every 6 weeks and even then just because he thinks we should as we haven't done for a while (not because he wants to). I have brought this up many a time but nothing has changed.

I have also been dead against cheating, and in fact my relationship has been full of arguments because I was so paranoid OH was gonna cheat on me (I had no reason to think he would) but I don't think until you are in that situation you can comment on it... I have had friends cheat and behind their back I have thought about how bad it is, but a couple of months ago I went out and was chatted up by some locals and ended up kissing two different guys... I was flattered by the attention TBH. PLUS, since then I have been a brighter more confident person and it has clearly shown outwardly as a guy at work asked me on a date (I know where he wants that to go) and I couldn't help say yes again through flattery...

Ask yourself if you are going to make a complete change and leave him. If the answer is no, then don't tell him anything about what has gone on, there's no point.

Lara44

Hey OP

I also think you need to take some time out of being Mum and Wife and get back to finding out what you like to do, what you enjoy. Just taking up some new activities on a really small scale can change things. How about reading some new books, or watching some interesting films with your OH instead of telly? Why not try cooking some really new things? Organising some days out on the weekend and just telling him he better get his coat. Also courses can be great, I went to Spanish a few hours a week, met loads of cool people of all kinds and ages. You don't have to enjoy any of these, just give them a try and hold onto the ones you enjoy.

I also think work could be really helpful, even building it up really gently. I think you need to set yourself a year to try all these things out, and say to yourself that you are really going to try to improve your marriage for a whole year. Then you could take time to re-evaluate after that. It sounds like your OH is also struggling - it would be great to try to talk to him a bit more about it. Not even what he's feeling but just the day to day trials. You can be there for him and encourage him not to sweat the small stuff.

I think if you take the lead in these ways, and also in the bedroom, you'll find he will respond in the way you'd like in time. Don't worry about being young, or not having been with many other people. There are also those who worry they have left it too late etc. Nothing's ever perfect. You've got this husband and family and give it a good year, try to change small things gently in every area of your life, and feel your way out of this rut that you feel stuck in.

Potential_Advisor

superstar27 wrote: »

Hi OP

I am also a regular poster but am posting under a different username.

I understand where you are coming from - I have been with my OH for 4 years and as much as he is amazing in every other way he is not a very affectionate person, I know he does love and care for me but doesn't say it or show it in a physical way and for me that was very frustrating, only having sex every 6 weeks and even then just because he thinks we should as we haven't done for a while (not because he wants to). I have brought this up many a time but nothing has changed.

I have also been dead against cheating, and in fact my relationship has been full of arguments because I was so paranoid OH was gonna cheat on me (I had no reason to think he would) but I don't think until you are in that situation you can comment on it... I have had friends cheat and behind their back I have thought about how bad it is, but a couple of months ago I went out and was chatted up by some locals and ended up kissing two different guys... I was flattered by the attention TBH. PLUS, since then I have been a brighter more confident person and it has clearly shown outwardly as a guy at work asked me on a date (I know where he wants that to go) and I couldn't help say yes again through flattery...

Ask yourself if you are going to make a complete change and leave him. If the answer is no, then don't tell him anything about what has gone on, there's no point.

Superstar27 couldn't agree more, until you are in that position I don't personally think you can comment really. And unless she is is going to leave him, don't tell him, but DO try and work it out with him.

BTW Superstar27, are you a dusky maiden by any chance?

superstar27

Whats a dusky maiden?

Potential_Advisor

Well, its actually a very beautiful rose, however, in the way that I mean it, a young woman with dark tumbling hair...

superstar27

I'd like it to be a bit darker and a bit more tumbling, but I'll label myself young! I wonder now, without spoiling this thread, why you ask!

Potential_Advisor

And I have absolutely no idea why I think that or even why I asked really, just in one of those curious moods of mine...

Potential_Advisor

superstar27 wrote: »

I'd like it to be a bit darker and a bit more tumbling, but I'll label myself young! I wonder now, without spoiling this thread, why you ask!

how dark is it now then? does it have long before it tumbles? lol

worried_jim

Op, life is for living and this would have happened sooner or later. I don't judge and I have no excellent words of advice but everything comes to an end and if you aren't happy I hope that you find it sooner rather than later.

paddy's_mum

Okay - so now you know what it's like to kiss and have sex with another man. Is this the end of your journey of exploration? Next time you meet some man who flatters you a little, will you be as quick to whip off your knickers or has your curiosity been satisfied?

I can understand that with an undemonstrative husband and a recent large weight loss, your self-esteem may have been low. However, are you mature enough to see that the sexual attentions of a dirty little user of women like your workman is no compliment at all? It is actually the most horrible criticism of you since he was somehow able to perceive that you were "gagging for it". Is there anything to glory in that a low-life such as him found a woman so lacking in pride that she not only had sex with him on several occasions, she was so eager to find out what she had been 'missing' that she screwed him in the marital bed! If that is all the loyalty you feel that you owe to your husband, then I would suggest that you already know that you want the marriage to end.

What part of your liaison was based on his concern for your welfare, respect for the person you are inside, liking for your sense of humour or your cheerful outlook on life? What part of love is involved that he is willing to put at risk the health, safety and welfare of his own wife and child as well as yours, and all for the sake of a quick leg-over. Do you think that in a year from now he will remember your name unless you remind him where you live and what work he did on the house? Why do you act in a way that suggests that in your own eyes you are worth so little?

I really cannot emphasise enough that you have been playing the most dangerous game. You are still at such terrible risk of the whole matter becoming known. Once your marriage is destroyed, you will have no options as to whether or not you try to pep it up - and make no mistake, that decision is now utterly out of your own hands - is chummy already down the pub giving his mates the nudge-nudge-wink-wink that he knows where a real goer lives? Being a sahm will no longer be your free choice. You could quite conceivably lose the children that you yourself described as "beautiful". And for what .... ?

I think you need to stop comparing yourself to your friends who have had "multiple partners" and instead look at your own issues of self-esteem. Take up some of the good advice given to you about part-time work or an outside hobby .. unless of course the whole point of this nasty little episode was to bring about the end of your marriage.

If that was really what you were wanting to achieve, then in my view you don't need advice from fellow mse members - you just need the name of a good divorce lawyer.