Need some advice

Greenmachine_3

MrsTine wrote: »

Before I dash - hate to squash your hopes - a friend of mine who also didn't want children and actually had a medical condition causing her extreem pain whoch could only be "fixed" with a total hysterectomy was still trying to get the NHS to let her have one in her 30s... she'd been trying to get one since her late teens...
And tictacs look nothing like the pill can I suggest asking your GP about the Depo or the implant? Obviously you slipped once or you wouldn't have had to have a termination. Best for you and everyone if that didn't happen again... It's not good for your body either nor your mental health to go through a termination and certainly not several times potentially...

With the implant you wouldn't have to worry for 12 months...

I know tic tacs look nothing like the pill... it was a joke! I have been on the pill since I was 19 so I'm not likely to mistake one for a pocket mint!

I have thought about the implant but it is more risky than the pill!

The mistake a year ago was a bit of a pain but I have no issues with abortion at all and I did not consider the thing in me as a 'person' so I had no emotional issues with having a termination. I know a lot of people don;t understand this and do imbue the embryo with a lot of emotion but I really don't. I kind of can't in my line of work- I'd be a constant nervous wreck!

The pregnancy actually occurred because I had food poisoning and was sick, not because I just plumb forgot!

Pollycat

I actually had some sympathy for you and the position you think you may find yourself in, and I did think some of the replies you've had were quite hard on you - but I'm not so sure now.
You seem to be getting increasingly argumentative towards people, maybe that's because you're not getting the replies you want to read.

Greenmachine wrote: »

You know what, I would love to make an appointment to be sterilised but the NHS won't hear of it! And we are planning a very expensive holiday next year and I don't want to eat into that fund to go private

Greenmachine wrote: »

No chance when I have paid my tax and NI for years and will be able to get it on the NHS in a few years anyway!

Getting sterilised isn't top of my 'to do' list anytime soon as there are other contraception methods out there!

So, on to sterilisation.....
have you discussed THIS with your OH?
If so, what are his feelings on it?
If you haven't discussed it with him but have been badgering your GP for this op for the last 4 years, I'd seriously question whether you have any future together at all.
Isn't marriage supposed to be a partenership?

Sterilisation at Marie Stopes clinics cost £1300 - a small amount for you to pay to make sure you get your own way. :rolleyes:

Greenmachine_3

Pollycat wrote: »

I actually had some sympathy for you and the position you think you may find yourself in, and I did think some of the replies you've had were quite hard on you - but I'm not so sure now.
You seem to be getting increasingly argumentative towards people, maybe that's because you're not getting the replies you want to read.





So, on to sterilisation.....
have you discussed THIS with your OH?
If so, what are his feelings on it?
If you haven't discussed it with him but have been badgering your GP for this op for the last 4 years, I'd seriously question whether you have any future together at all.
Isn't marriage supposed to be a partenership?

Sterilisation at Marie Stopes clinics cost £1300 - a small amount for you to pay to make sure you get your own way. :rolleyes:

I'm sorry! I didn't mean to seem argumentative! I said a couple of things that I think people have taken to not be jokes, when they really were jokes. Sorry.



I had no idea that sterilisation cost so little there! I didn't even know Marie Stopes did sterilisations!

Yes I have discussed it with my OH and we have both been badgering our GPs for the ops since we were first together.

tesuhoha

I think some of you are being unfair. The OP was honest from the start but has been made to feel like some kind of selfish unnatural monster. She asked for no one to say she would change, which quite a few of you straightaway went on to say. Not every woman in the world is suited to have children. I can understand that. I think the OP is feeling under pressure to do something she doesn't want to and what some of you have said has got to her so has made some comments that are a bit beyond the mark. Probably these remarks are not all true. She wanted some supportive advice and why shouldn't she not have children if she chooses not to?

I don't think the husband should leave her. I think they should forget about it for a few years and get on with enjoying their lives. After all they are both young and as lynz said, a man can have kids when he is old - so there is no hurry atm is there? When I was first married there was nothing more irritating than the constant hints from both my mother and the mother in law about babies. We did eventually have kids, but when we chose and when we both agreed about it.

I think there are a lot of baby hormones flying around on here :rolleyes:

Glitzkiss

MrsTine wrote: »

As my blood pressure is already raised thanks to this thread I'm going to go and look at my gorgeous baby girl, hold her close and be grateful she has TWO parents who love her and always will...

OP... grow up, get real and stop beign so selfish or children won't be the reason your OH leaves you one day...
IF you are not a troll then I seriously hope you take precautions to not get pregnant again and that you get a reality check from this thread if nothing else. Until today I didn't realise that some people could be that selfish and selfcentred... amazing.

Good luck with your life and your relationship - I suspect as you both grow up you might need it...

Mrs Tine your hormones are stopping you from being rational in this thread so it's probably a good idea to step away. For the record though I agree that 2 parents are better than one and the OP should probably reconsider her relationship seriously if her OH decides he does want children. It's something I had to do and I know how much it hurts but I couldn't bear the idea of having children either.

This is just me theorising now but the desire to have children is controlled by hormones and we all know they don't always work as they should do I suspect this is why some of us don't get broody and prefer life without children. At the same time I suspect those who do have this pathway switched on can't understand why someone doesn't feel this urge as it us so fundamental to them.

Perhaps trying to see things from each others perspective might help

OP, stop worrying about what might happen for now and enjoy your twenties. Keep talking to your OH about how he feels and how you view children. However if his biological clock does become switched on please try and think of the consequences of your actions on the children. Whilst I wasn't slightly bothered about my father having no input in my life (although we are great friends now) I might have felt differently if it had been my mother instead of my father - I don't know and will never know.

MrsTinks

Glitzkiss wrote: »

Mrs Tine your hormones are stopping you from being rational in this thread so it's probably a good idea to step away.

Beg your pardon? If you had read any of my replies over the last few years you'd see I would have answered exactly the same way 2 years ago as I do now. Having a child does not mean I can't be a perfectly sane person thank you or hold the same oppinions as I did before I changed from being "me" to being "the mum".

Lunar_Eclipse

Greenmachine wrote: »

My OH and I are both scientists and don't buy into the idea of 'urges' to have children.

One would hope that you are not thoroughly dismissing the notion of the human biological clock; that would be far from intelligent. If you do dismiss it, I think you might find yourself eating humble pie on the matter of wanting children within the next 10 years, since I truely believe that life has a way of teaching us lessons we need to learn. Although I know not everyone experiences these urges, multiple orgasms, spiritual enlightenment etc etc! (haha)

In light of your original post, I don't think you should worry about how your OH might or might not feel in terms of having children in the future. The only thing you can be certain of is that the future is uncertain. You both may or may not want children as you get older. Whilst I won't say that you are too young to know how you feel nor that your feelings will change, change does happen.

All you should worry about is being true to yourself (& your OH).

Finally, as a parent myself, I always suggest anyone thinking about having children makes sure they really, really want them (ie can't live without them), because it's so incredibly difficult being a good parent that it is not for the faint hearted! By the same token, I think I should let you know that you can still achieve the life you want with children (travel, holiday homes etc); they are not a potential road block IMO for any of the dreams you said you share with your boyfriend. Just wanted to let you know, not that I am encouraging anyone to have children, especially those who say they know they don't want them.

Good luck & have fun!

Storm

Firstly - I think it's quite insulting for everyone to bring her age into this - 23 is an adult, and by referring to her as 'too young', 'immature' and 'a child' is not helpful to the debate.

Secondly - I have noticed that the majority of people with children find it hard to understand those who have no desire to have them themselves.

Thirdly - The OP asked for some advice & feedback, but this thread appears to have turned into a bit of a slanging match, which I feel is unfair on the OP & anyone else who has come here thinking they'll get some useful comments.

OK, to get back to the original post - the OP & her OH have been together for 4 years, have discussed their future & were agreed that children didn't feature in this. This obviously meant they could both continue to work, build their earning potential & have a good standard of living. The OP is now worried as there has been a small sign that her OH may be changing his mind.

So - OP - for my tuppence:

At the moment it appears your OH has only shown a very small indication that he may want children in the future, so I don't think it's time to panic yet. As a couple you appear to be able to discuss these things, so perhaps a 'I hear what you're saying, but I still don't fell any inclination to have children' maybe all that's needed at the moment.

I do agree with those that have said that you shouldn't have children just to try and save a relationship, nor if you don't want them yourself. You are not being selfish by making this sort of decision - you can ultimately only be responsible for your own happiness.

wannabe_sybil

Greenmachine - Please be careful about this. You see, I have a friend who really doesn't want children, she is now in her forties and is very happy. Her husband is totally in agreement with this point of view. This is something that works very well for both of them. I would not try and persuade them to do otherwise.

I thought for years and years and years that I didn't want children, but I did get hit by hormones, and now I am a desperately besotted mother. I cannot imagine life without my little bear, and despite all the problems that I have had, there is still a part of me that wishes that I had started at 18 and had a dozen children.

Please be careful that you are sure that you know which way you are likely to go before you do anything irrevocable.

Also, I do respect someone who does not casually go into parenthood. For me, I couldn't have a child until I was absolutely 100% committed to putting my life aside to do the best I could for my child. I do not think you should try for a child unless that commitment is there. Also, unless you are sure your partner will be there also - there are so many threads about fathers living their little ones high and dry.

Greenmachine_3

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Finally, as a parent myself, I always suggest anyone thinking about having children makes sure they really, really want them (ie can't live without them), be

Good luck & have fun!

That really makes sense- I think my partner likes having kids around and likes to play with them etc. But he is certainly not of the mindset that he can't live without them. It is certain, however, that he can't live without me! :rotfl::rotfl:

Thank you,