Need some advice

astonsmummy

MrsTine wrote: »

hear hear lynz! I sincerely hope that unless you grow up then you never have children... and hopefully your other half if he does want children will have the good sense NOT to have them with you! How anyone could be THAT selfish is beyond me! Not to mention irresponsible! And you call yourself a scientist? Troll would be more likely! Sorry but saying you'd ditch the child with no second thought like that is patheitic and makes me extreemly angry... Can I suggest you go and show that comment to a doctor and ask they allow you to have your ideal scenario of being sterilised?


ANECDOTE - "a short amusing account of an incident" - what exactly do you find amusing about someone telling you about the real urges they have felt? Look up the meaning of a word before you use it



All due respect - you have experienced 12 weeks of pregnancy - the first 4 you won't have felt much and then sadly you had a miscarriage (I assume you didn't abort the child?) which is no doubt a horrible experience and for which I feel a little sorry for you - although in the interests of the child maybe it was for the best...
When you have carried a child 9 months THEN you can come on here and tell us you have experienced being pregnant...

Oh dear I really dont know wether to do this but I feel I must
I feel this is a really sad thing to say, a prengnacy doesn't have to last 9 months for it to be experienced.
Even 12 weeks, I went through alot in the first 12 weeks of my last prengnacy especially, from bleeding, sickness, tiredness, sore boobs, aches and pains, to scans, and a CVS, (which resulted in me knowing the sex of my baby at 12 weeks) I almost certainly experienced pregnancy, all be it a small part.
Then take our Elle_gee, she was only preggers for 7 months wasn't she.
I'm sure you didnt mean it in the way it came out though MrsT

BubbleFrogette

I'd like to know how the OP is going to pay for investment properties and round the world holidays on a scientist's salary if she completes her PhD (even one employed in industry)! For a lifestlye like this you are on the wrong career path!

SusanC_2

Based on the way you said he worded it, it doesn't exactly sound like your boyfriend is desperate to have kids. Perhaps he was just laying the way for you to have an option to change your mind? Since you are young, you do have plenty of time in which you could change your mind (i.e. if you changed your mind in ten years time it wouldn't be too late). One or both of you may or may not change your minds - this is something to discuss if/when it happens. If you are really worried about what would happen if he changed his mind and you didn't then you should discuss it with him.

And since anecdotal evidence does show that certain things can happen I'll give you one. I had a colleague with a daughter who was about 12 ish I think. He and his wife had never wanted children. They had an unplanned baby and his wife was completely not interested. She went back to work after 2 weeks which is the soonest you are legally allowed to (it's 4 if you work in a factory) but as time has gone by she has changed her mind. He said that having that child was the best thing that ever happeend to them.

Greenmachine wrote: »

I don't think its weird for a scientist to feel sick at the thought of being pregnant- even scientists have fears; a colleague of mine does work on fruit flies and it terrified of blue bottles! Even scientists have fears! Also, I have experienced being pregnant and it is not something I'd want to go through again!

I feel sick at the thought of pregnancy because I was through the whole pregnancy (although this is not the norm). Although obviously you have other reasons for not wanting a child, I do want to point out that if someone does want a child it is possible to do so without having to be pregnant. There are always lots of children who need to be adopted.

Greenmachine wrote: »

However, during that time he hasn't changed a nappy, or had to get up at 3am, or feed them that horrible looking mush food.....

If it's the mush that's worrying you then don't use it - I recommend Baby Led Weaning. (Just google it.)

MrsTine wrote: »

My husband gets up in the night, he changes nappies, he deals with the sick and he plays with his daughter - exactly the same as me. The only thing he doesn't is breastfeed her for obvious reasons - so he feeds her bottles of expressed breast milk - I would certainly not for one second let him think that being "uninvolved" was ok!

Mine too - as he goes out to work, we make a particular point of making sure he gets to spend time and do things with/for our daughter as we think it is important.

Greenmachine wrote: »

I was very mindful. Hence why I said that I understand people have very different opinions to me on this matter. But, for me, abortion is always a woman's right to choose and has no real emotional risk.

You haven't heard of post abortion trauma? Or you just don't believe it's true?

In terms of whether or not abortion is right or not, I don't think a mother's "emotional attachment" to her baby has anything to do with it. I don't have any emotional attachment to you but it doesn't mean it would be right for me to hire a surgeon to kill you.

SusanC_2

tesuhoha wrote: »

I don't think its selfish not to want children. In some circles it would be thought as unselfish. In fact if you lived in China with their one child policy you would probably be a national heroine!

Have you any idea how brutal their one child policy is?
FORCED ABORTION AND STERILIZATION IN CHINA: THE VIEW FROM THE INSIDE

Greenmachine_3

BubbleFrogette wrote: »

I'd like to know how the OP is going to pay for investment properties and round the world holidays on a scientist's salary if she completes her PhD (even one employed in industry)! For a lifestlye like this you are on the wrong career path!

Without kids scientists salaries aren't all that bad!!
My OH and I have been extremely financially fortunate. We are both funded by industry stipends, which means we are able to put away about £20,000 per year at the moment. We also have a lot of money saved up and my OH is guaranteed a job based in Dubai (although he wouldn't have to live there full time) once he has finished his PhD.

SusanC wrote: »

You haven't heard of post abortion trauma? Or you just don't believe it's true?

In terms of whether or not abortion is right or not, I don't think a mother's "emotional attachment" to her baby has anything to do with it. I don't have any emotional attachment to you but it doesn't mean it would be right for me to hire a surgeon to kill you.

I wouldn't take advice from the website you linked me to- I am not a 'victim' of abortion. I became pregnant and made my own choice to terminate that pregnancy. I was no coerced and was happy to have made the decision that I did. I read a paper a number of years ago, which was published around 1993 I think which found absolutely no evidence of post-abortion trauma and this has certainly been my experience. Of course, other people may have other experiences.

I think making the analogy between you hiring a surgeon to kill me and me having a abortion is highly flawed. Not only would it be illegal for you to do this, whereas it is perfectly legal for me to have an abortion, I am not living inside your body as an unwanted guest!

tesuhoha

SusanC wrote: »

Have you any idea how brutal their one child policy is?
FORCED ABORTION AND STERILIZATION IN CHINA: THE VIEW FROM THE INSIDE

I was not agreeing with their policies. I was just saying that the OP would not meet with opposition there.

elle_gee

astonsmummy wrote: »

Oh dear I really dont know wether to do this but I feel I must
I feel this is a really sad thing to say, a prengnacy doesn't have to last 9 months for it to be experienced.
Even 12 weeks, I went through alot in the first 12 weeks of my last prengnacy especially, from bleeding, sickness, tiredness, sore boobs, aches and pains, to scans, and a CVS, (which resulted in me knowing the sex of my baby at 12 weeks) I almost certainly experienced pregnancy, all be it a small part.
Then take our Elle_gee, she was only preggers for 7 months wasn't she.
I'm sure you didnt mean it in the way it came out though MrsT

Nothing much more to say, other than I agree I missed out on nothing but a bit of extra weight gain and a labour - neither of which makes my pregnancy any less valid than anyone elses.

The_Banker_5

When someone says they never want children what they are really saying is.......'I dont want kids to this person I am with';)

The_Banker_5

Greenmachine wrote: »

We have talked and I have said that if I had a kid because he wanted it, I would be very uninvolved. If he then left me, he can take said kid with him!

You just aint got a clue have you.


Personally I think you live in cloud cuckoo land.;)

Pollycat

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

And another thing which really clarified things for me & DH on the family front that I have only just thought of and may wash straight over your head or be useful: will you honestly mind being old and grey with no children or family around you? That thought alone terrifies me, if I am being truely honest with myself, for no-one else's benefit.

Having children doesn't guarantee that they will be there when you're old and grey.

What if your children decide to emigrate to the other side of the world?
Or you have a family rift and they no longer wish to speak to you even though they may be living in the same street?