Need some advice

Pollycat

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

Tough - I'm going to say it anyway :rotfl: I was young once, and didn't want children.

Now I'm 40, with a new partner, and happily pregnant.

Attitudes, beliefs & wants change as you grow older. Honestly.

I was young once, and didn't want children.

Now, I'm 55, with a long term (25 years) OH and still happily childless.

Attitudes, beliefs & wants MAY change as you grow older. Or they may not. Honestly.

wannabe_sybil

The_Banker wrote: »

When someone says they never want children what they are really saying is.......'I dont want kids to this person I am with';)

Or, I don't want to be trapped like my mother/father in a loveless marriage such as I lived through as a child. Or, I don't want my child to go through the appalling childhood I had. Or, I don't want to be constantly worried about my child being abused as I was. Or, I don't want to have a child because I have seriously considered it but I am not prepared to/not able to give the child enough support, love and care that they deserve.

Or, this gentleman/lady is an idiot. The sex is great but I cannot imagine them with a nappy.

Also, I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks (sadly very common), and I was devastated, I really felt that I had lost someone, a person. I know that is not true for every one.

Pollycat

The_Banker wrote: »

When someone says they never want children what they are really saying is.......'I dont want kids to this person I am with';)

Wrong!

I decided at a very early age (even younger than the OP at 23) that I didn't want children.
I wasn't even in a relationship at that time.

I met and married a like-minded person, never changed my mind about not wanting children.

After a divorce 11 years down the line, I met another like-minded person, and a further 25 years down the line have not changed my mind.

The person that I could say 'I want (or wanted) children with this man' doesn't exist - simply because I HAVE NEVER WANTED CHILDREN. FULL STOP.

The idea that people don't want chiuldren because they haven't met the right person is silly.

dumpy

To start with I'm 37 and childless and still don't really have hormone rushes. Lets get that bit out of the way!

However, I'd never, ever have a child to keep someone. I'd never even entertain the thought.

If I had to do this to keep hold of someone then I'd know that the relationship was over.

You cannot bribe someone to stay with you and the more you try to hold onto them, then the more you push them away.

If as a couple you are so sure you don't want kids, why doesn't he have a vasectomy? If he doesn't want to do this as much as you want a sterilisation, then it might be time to rethink your long term goals and what you both want out of the relationship.

Dumpy (PhD Wet science)

Storm

The_Banker wrote: »

When someone says they never want children what they are really saying is.......'I dont want kids to this person I am with';)

So people that don't want children are what? Strange? A freak of nature? Mad?

That assertion has really annoyed me - not everyone wants children, as this thread has shown some people change their minds, others don't. Someone not wanting a child is exercising THEIR RIGHT to decide what they do with their own life.

glitterycloud

Whether women or men have children is a very personal decision and it does not matter whether one is maternal or not, if op wishes to spend her life globetrotting, having holiday homes around the world and nice things in her life that is her choice. There are many many people who decide that parenthood is not for them, it makes them no less a person for deciding to be childless.

It is not however, a choice of a baby to be brought into the world by a selfish person to try and save a relationship. This op, is what has angered/upset many posters, some people try all their lives to have a baby, some people have had a bad childhood, it is hard to understand why you would want to bring a child in to the world when you clearly detest children to the point you are willing to be very uninvolved.

Its too early in your relationship to make this an issue, wait a few more years and see where you are at with your future plans, but please rethink your plan to have a baby to keep him

summerday

Hi OP,

I think you will have to give it time to see if your OH thinks and says any more about having kids. Maybe he will go back to being sure he doesn't want any, ever. For your sake I hope this is the case. But the fact that he even mentioned it is worrying. To be honest given the fact that he knows you are so averse to having them I'm not surprised that he said it so non- comittally, he probably wanted to broach the subject gently rather than panic you.

Without wanting to offend anyone who chose to have kids at a young/ish age, I have to say that I personally knew that although I want kids, no way would it be before I am 30 that I am prepared to start a family, as I want to enjoy travelling and experiencing things while I'm young and unhampered with a child first, and get established in a career. I am 29 now and in the next 2 years we will start trying-I feel almost ready. But at age 23 the thought of having a baby would have completely panicked me, because of everything it involves- pregnancy, childbirth, puke, poo, everything you mention, and although I've always taken contraception extremely seriously so never had an 'scares' would prob have had an abortion in early 20s if I had accidentally conceived.

I also respect that you may well never change your mind, or ever feel 'ready' to have a baby. That's fine, I don't subscribe to the view that anyone who doesn't want babies is abnormal in any way. BUT if your OH does, and you still can't bear the thought of being a loving mother, then please, please don't have one just to keep your OH. I work with children and have had a couple of mums actually admit to me that they don't love their kids and believe me the kid WILL realise this even if they're not told, and it can screw a person up for life. If it comes to the worst and you and OH go your separate ways that have faith that there will be another soulmate out there for you who also def doesn't want kids. older men are more likely to be sure, I think.

Sorry to ramble, hope I've not offended you or anyone else, just offered my real views.

Jo_R_2

Very emotive thread!

Hard situation, though I have to say at 23 (I'm, ahem, thirtysomething now:o) you're quite aware that your feelings could have implications, that's quite insightful in comparison to me when I was that age, I distinctly remember having a conversation with my then-long-term partner's mum about how I never ever wanted children and that would not change. I realise now I quite upset her with how brusquely I put it across for which I still feel bad.

Fast forward x number of years and somewhere along the line I changed I've just had baby #3, I've had two what I'd call long-term partners since that conversation, and from nowhere at the age of 25 I started to feel an inexplicable urge for a baby (not discussing whether it exists or not, just saying how I felt.)

Before you say, don't tell me I'll change my mind, I'm not saying you will. I'm just reiterating that things can change, and whilst that may not be your feelings (because undoubtedly you will change and evolve as a person over time), your boyfriend might decide he does want children for sure. There's nothing to say that he might talk about it at length with you and you might warm to the idea, who knows? He might decide it's not for him after all and you both carry on with a child-free life. Or he might decide he doesn't want them and you might decide you then do?!

The point is you don't know the future. I completely don't disrespect that some people don't want children because of course that has been me! But all you can do is keep talking and communicating because nothing is set in stone, people and situations change and evolve, even if it means that your boyfriend becomes certain he does want children or certain he doesn't. What I would say is don't take the step of having the op right now, but carry on being responsible and you can but see where the future takes you.

The_Banker_5

I knew a couple who lived together for 20 years. They were always out together holding hands and all lovey dovey and they always said that they never wanted kids and were happy just living together.

They split up after 20 years of living together and the woman aged 43 got married and had a child within a year of meeting her new fella.;)

The_Banker_5

Atomised wrote: »

I do think that this thread is a wind up though , i'm just hurt after falling for a "knickers" thread in the past.

I knew it was a wind up from the first post but I didnt want to shout 'troll' cos most people on here seem taken in by it.:p