Need some advice

Greenmachine_3

Atomised wrote: »

Conclusive proof then:rolleyes:

The idea that people who don't want children usually change their minds is silly.
I do think that this thread is a wind up though , i'm just hurt after falling for a "knickers" thread in the past.

I promise it is not a wind up or a 'knickers' post.

It is kind of hurtful when you come on and say how you feel and your true feelings etc. etc. and people's reaction is 'this is a wind up'.

Pollycat

The_Banker wrote: »

I knew a couple who lived together for 20 years. They were always out together holding hands and all lovey dovey and they always said that they never wanted kids and were happy just living together.

They split up after 20 years of living together and the woman aged 43 got married and had a child within a year of meeting her new fella.;)

So you base the following quote on that anecdote, do you?

The_Banker wrote: »

When someone says they never want children what they are really saying is.......'I dont want kids to this person I am with';)

The_Banker wrote: »

You just aint got a clue have you.


Personally I think you live in cloud cuckoo land.;)

I think the quote above could apply equally to you as you think it does to the OP.

Just because people don't conform to YOUR idea of family life, doesn't mean THEY are wrong.
It doesn't mean YOU are wrong, either.
It just means everybody is different and everybody is entitled to decide whether to have children or not.

Lunar_Eclipse

Pollycat wrote: »

Having children doesn't guarantee that they will be there when you're old and grey.

What if your children decide to emigrate to the other side of the world?
Or you have a family rift and they no longer wish to speak to you even though they may be living in the same street?

I appreciate that, although I still think the thought is valid and indicative of one's true, perhaps deeply hidden, feelings. My DH is from the other side of the world and has family spread across the globe; his birth family currently all live on different Continents. So his Mum only sees each of her children and Grandchildren on a roughly bi-annual holiday basis.

Non-speaking rifts within families I don't understand at all. Actually I do appreciate how difficult relationships can be, just have an over riding sense of life being too short. My BIL does not speak to half his family following a series of events that I watched unravel. This includes his parents, who were not even invited to my sister's (large & very traditional) wedding at the beginning of this month. I know how easy it is not to speak, in fact that hits the nail on the head; it is so much easier to wipe some people from your life completely than cope with them in it sometimes.

mishkanorman

Greenmachine wrote: »

I promise it is not a wind up or a 'knickers' post.

It is kind of hurtful when you come on and say how you feel and your true feelings etc. etc. and people's reaction is 'this is a wind up'.

thats because you are telling the wrong people your feelings

Im not sure why you have even started this thread, you started off by saying your OH may now want kids and then backtracked and provided evidence that he doesnt want kids Its a families board as well as marriage so obviously it was always going to a tricky subject here!

If you genuinely dont want children you wouldnt even entertain the idea of having them to keep your OH happy, so part of you either realises that your relationship isnt as good as you are making out (because in a relationship thats working you dont have to resort to such measures to 'keep him') or part of you does want to have a child but there are other issues that prevent you from being brave enough to admit it.


ive known my whole life i would have children, if my OH couldnt get on board with that then we would have gone our separate ways. Ive got one chance at this life and I will live it the way that will bring me the most happiness. Dont get me wrong i adore my oh and a massive part of the reason I do is that we have the same ideal for our lives, if that changed we would change and sadly would no longer view each other the same way.

mishka

Katie-Kat-Kins

Greenmachine wrote: »

Thank you sfry! It is very irritating when people tell me that I will change my mind, as if I don't know my own mind or have any control over my body or emotions. Also, people wouldn't say that I will change my mind if I said 'I definately want to have children'!

My OH and I are both scientists and don't buy into the idea of 'urges' to have children.

It isn't that you will change your mind it is that you MIGHT!

I'm 30 and have been in your position, at the moment I still don't want children and neither does DH. However do not underestimate how much you change as a person and in your view of life during your twenties. You MAY feel differently when your biological clock starts ticking when friends and family start having babies or when you marry.

But irrespective of that your relationship may not succeed for other reasons.

All you can do is be honest, and it sounds as though you have been, he knows you don't want children, if he starts to feel more strongly that he does (and some men get very broody) then he will let you know and that will be the time for tough decisions. In the meantime he may never actually decide he really wants his own or you may decide that you do want children, or you may find that you have grown apart or have other differences that are deal breakers.

Without sounding patronising you met at 19, you change a lot from that age, if you are lucky you will change in compatible ways and your relationship will be a success but maybe it is just a stepping stone on to something better.

At 30 i am very glad not to still be with the boyfriend of my early 20s not because I didn't love him, when we split it was the worst thing imaginable, but because I have met someone who is perfect who has the same view of the future, the same priorities and the same values. The same might happen for you, and you might find that meeting this person makes you feel very differently.

At your age I never believed that I would marry, I still thought that until I met my husband, when all of a sudden I really wanted to become his wife. Six weeks ago I married my wonderful husband, just a few short years ago I would never have imagined that day and would have laughed at myself for being so keen to get a ring on my finger but I can honestly say it was the best day of my life.

I'm yet to see whether I'll change my mind about children but I'm sure many people do, and they feel the same way I do about marriage, and they hope others will too because children give them so much joy. So don't be too hard on the people who tell you that you'll change your mind, they are trying to ensure that you don't make a mistake.

SusanC_2

Greenmachine wrote: »

I wouldn't take advice from the website you linked me to- I am not a 'victim' of abortion. I became pregnant and made my own choice to terminate that pregnancy. I was no coerced and was happy to have made the decision that I did. I read a paper a number of years ago, which was published around 1993 I think which found absolutely no evidence of post-abortion trauma and this has certainly been my experience. Of course, other people may have other experiences.

That was just the first site which came up on google as an example - I wasn't suggesting you needed advice from it. You had stated that abortion "has no real emotional risk" and I was refuting that statement. I'm pointing out that post abortion trauma exists - not saying that everyone who has an abortion suffers from it.

Greenmachine wrote: »

I think making the analogy between you hiring a surgeon to kill me and me having a abortion is highly flawed. Not only would it be illegal for you to do this, whereas it is perfectly legal for me to have an abortion, I am not living inside your body as an unwanted guest!

You implied (either deliberately or accidentally) that the morality of having an abortion was dependent on whether you have an "emotional attachment" to your baby. I was just pointing out that the morality of killing is not dependent on emotional attachment. Incidentally it is also not dependent on legality.

BallandChain

The_Banker wrote: »

I knew a couple who lived together for 20 years. They were always out together holding hands and all lovey dovey and they always said that they never wanted kids and were happy just living together.

They split up after 20 years of living together and the woman aged 43 got married and had a child within a year of meeting her new fella.

Hang on didn't you post something similar already?


http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showpost.html?p=22738927&postcount=6

I knew a couple who lived together for about 20 years and they both were adamant they didnt want kids or marriage and that they were happy the way they were. They always used to say....Ohhhh we're happy with our cats.

However, they split up when they were in their 40's and the bloke got married and made his new wife pregnant within a year.;)

The_Banker_5

BallandChain wrote: »

Hang on didn't you post something similar already?


http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showpost.html?p=22738927&postcount=6

Well at least it shows I'm consistent then doesnt it Miss Marple?;)

BallandChain

I was confused, is this the same couple as one post you say the husband got his new wife pregnant, in the second post it was the wife of the couple who got pregnant after leaving her husband?

The_Banker_5

BallandChain wrote: »

I was confused, is this the same couple as one post you say the husband got his new wife pregnant, in the second post it was the wife of the couple who got pregnant after leaving her husband?

Yes, same couple. Amazing coincidence when you think about it.:eek: