Need some advice

Greenmachine_3

Hi

This isn't really money saving (well I guess it is a bit) but I just need some advice. Well, somewhere to just let out all of my thoughts really.

My OH and I are both 23 and have been together for 4 years. We have always said that we don't want to have children and have planned our life based on being DINKs (dual income, no kids), planning various stuff around the fact that we won't have kids (eg. a holiday home in Norway, an investment property as well as our home, a round the world trip every couple of years- you get the idea).

I have never wanted children and my partner said he had never really thought about it but always assumed that he would because most people tend to.

Over the past few weeks we have spent some time with a few of our family member's kids, which has made me 110% sure that I never want them. However, spending this time with these kids has made my partner question whether he really doesn't want them.

I just feel like everything that we have planned together and what we have built our plans around (ie being free to !!!!!! off and live wherever we want, whenever we want) has just been big plans that will never happen. I also feel that he might grow to resent me if we don't have kids because he wants them. I feel like its my fault that we're not having kids because I don't want them more than he wants them (if you see what I mean).

I am worried that in 15 years time he is going to think that our lives could have been better if we'd have had kids and he will resent me for it.

Sorry about the long post- I just wanted to get my thoughts down! I guess there is no real solution but I know how kind people on here can be so I thought it would be a safe place to get down my ideas without people jumping down my throat!

P.S. If you are going to reply, please please please don't say that I am young and I might change my mind about not wanting kids! I have never ever wanted them and I won't change my mind!!

richardw

But your chidren wouldn't be like other children, they'd be yours.

If he slightly wants children, it is highly likely that he'll have them, a holiday home in Norway is unlikely to deter him, it is the natural urges that would get in the way.

MrsTinks

Greenmachine wrote: »

P.S. If you are going to reply, please please please don't say that I am young and I might change my mind about not wanting kids! I have never ever wanted them and I won't change my mind!!

Sorry but guess what... Your body does weird things to you and when you come to probably late twenties you will probably feel very differently - the hormones do some weird stuff to us ladies...
In all honesty I still don't feel slightly interested in anyone elses children and still find them extreemly annoying in supermarkets and shops etc... but I wouldn't be without my gorgeous little baby girl

IF you end up never wanting children then yes your OH might end up resentful - you need to have some long chats about this with HIM and not strangers on a forum

Pee

You will find some other threads on her where the male is not interested in having children and the heart breaking decisions that the women are making...

There are a lot of people who don't want children when they are young who later change their minds and there are a lot of people who still don't want them when they are older. Having children is such a big change and particularly for the woman, I think, if other posters are anything to go by that it isn't something that you can compromise on. On the other hand, your OH may decide as he gets older that children are more important to him.

I can see why it's annoying that you agree one thing and then the other person changes their mind. It is unfortunately human nature.

The_Banker_5

richardw wrote: »

But your chidren wouldn't be like other children, they'd be yours.

If he slightly wants children, it is highly likely that he'll have them, a holiday home in Norway is unlikely to deter him, it is the natural urges that would get in the way.

How true richard. So many people dont want kids because they think their kids will be like other peoples kids.

And as much as I moan about my kids I wouldnt swop a single hair on their heads for a million holiday homes in Norway.;)

londoner1998

Greenmachine

I can relate a bit to your dilemma- I am 34 and have been with my partner (29) for 6 years now. He has a 10 year old daughter and I have always been on the side of 'I will never want children'. He is not bothered either way, it has been hard for him to finish studies, work, build up our relationship while bringing up his daughter (apart from the countless problem with the mum) and he respects my decision. BUT ( and there is a big but), lately I have been going through strange thought processes. I think I would like to have our child, but I am also very aware of how it would change everything. He is ok with everything, because as he said 'you have to pop it so I understand either way. I would loke to have our child but I also have one already and love you anyway'. My point is- you and your boyfriend are young (but please do not take this as a criticism) and even ten years down the line, things change, people change what they thought would be fixed decisions are abandoned to give way to new arrangements and ideas for both you and him).Why are you worrying about this now? It is something to consider and it is good to know where you are but I wouldn't worry too much ...He might wonder whether he ever wants to children, but it is not as if he wants to have them now, is it... I would say, have a chat about it in a relaxed way and don't worry too much about it- go and have fun and keep building plans together- whether the babies arrive or not will be something else, part of being in a couple but something that most people do without planning. I am sure if he is worth it he will understand and respect your decision not to have babies is that is what you stick to in the future.

(By the way, i am in your team- as an abstract idea, yeah, beautiful, but in reality...radical change of life for which I am not prepared right now... may be one day, may be not!)

Greenmachine_3

Hi all and thanks for your comments.

I understand your points about not thinking of other people's kids in the way that you think of your own. But its not that other people's kids irritate me etc, I literally can't stand them! Also, the idea of being pregnant, giving birth or having a C-section makes me feel really ill.

Also, I think my comments about the holiday home are being misread!! I don't mean its a choice between me and the holiday home or kids! I was just using that as an example! But I do see it as the choice between the life that we have planned together for ages or a life that I completely don't want.

Londoner1998- We are not putting any plans into action yet at all! We have both said that we wouldn't even start thinking about it until we are both at least 34!

I think I am building this up in my head bigger than what it is! But I am just so worried that he will end up resenting me because I don't want to have kids.

Becles

Similar happened with friends of my parents. She was very anti-children and her husband was at first but then decided he would like a child.

She became pregnant and then they did a role reversal and he stayed home and raised the baby while she went out to work. As the child got older, it was he who took him to out of school activities, helped with homework etc., while she got on with her career and personal interest groups.

It worked for them. I'm not sure what is best in your circumstances, but just thought I'd throw this in as an option to ponder.

londoner1998

Greenmachine wrote: »

Hi all and thanks for your comments.

I understand your points about not thinking of other people's kids in the way that you think of your own. But its not that other people's kids irritate me etc, I literally can't stand them! Also, the idea of being pregnant, giving birth or having a C-section makes me feel really ill.



Londoner1998- We are not putting any plans into action yet at all! We have both said that we wouldn't even start thinking about it until we are both at least 34!

I think I am building this up in my head bigger than what it is! But I am just so worried that he will end up resenting me because I don't want to have kids.

Exactly my point!! I can really understand you, re; birth, cesareans, etc...that is understandable. Only now I am starting to worry less and accept the idea that women's bodies are built for precisely that. You have soooo much time to think about this, and make a decision about it, ...but I have to agree that life is about change and so are relationships and you might be surprised one day to may be realise that after achieving the life you so want now, after living it for a while, you might fancy a change (babies or not: it is happening to me at work, I am discovering that the jobs I desperately wanted are not the most appealing for me right now!). Also, many things in life often force us to change our plans and adapt... enjoy your life, but don't get angry if at some point you need to be flexible and adapt and don't be scared of having different ideas to those of your boyfriend... it can work in many different ways.

richardw

Greenmachine wrote: »

But I am just so worried that he will end up resenting me because I don't want to have kids.

But you are assuming he will stay with you, he's only 23, things may change.

Greenmachine_3

Hi Becles

I definately wouldn't take any time off my job to have a kid!

I just really really don't want to be pregnant - the idea of it just makes me go all funny.

I fell pregnant last year and I felt awful for the twelve weeks that it was going on- constantly feeling sick, really bad diarrohea (sorry if you're eating lunch), completely off my food yet alwyas hungry. The idea of doing that again but for nine months scares the absolute hell out of me! :eek: