Need some advice

belfastgirl23

Just to say I'm another one who didn't want kids at 11...22...33 nor do I want them now at 39. Although I didn't really say I never wanted kids because I know sometimes things do change and it felt a bit too much like tempting fate IYSWIM and people do always threaten you with the biological clock. Luckily it was easier for us because DH has never wanted kids either. I do think it's good that you're talking about this OP. But I would sort of caution against saying I will never ever want something. I know when I was younger I would never have wanted half of the things I do now (comfortable shoes, a clean house ) and to me the baby thing is sort of the same, you don't exactly know how you will change. I promise I'm not talking biological clock here, more so that sometimes people change over time and you should leave at least a little space for that as a possiblity. Although at least a couple of us on this thread didn't On the bright side, your OH has changed his mind once and he might well do again Seriously though do you think he really means it or is it just a whim or a sort of bone to pick at.....

Greenmachine_3

lynzpower wrote: »

You might work inscience, I dont

I know what my urges are, they are real to me. i have felt the tug.

I remember being so young like you, I hadnt felt them either, so I pretended - like you they didnt exist.

I dont think you should be encouraged to have children you dont want, after all, clearly they dont suit you, the idea of pregnancy "makes you sick" ( weird for a scientist!!) and yu "hate" children.

I dont think with these thoughts parenting is for you so im surprised to see so many MSErs almost rooting for you to change your mind! Parenting is leaving your self at the door for the next 20+ years, you come not just second, but potentially last.

You have to want that, and you dont.

:rotfl:Unfortunately annecdotes don't count as evidence!

I don't think its weird for a scientist to feel sick at the thought of being pregnant- even scientists have fears; a colleague of mine does work on fruit flies and it terrified of blue bottles! Even scientists have fears! Also, I have experienced being pregnant and it is not something I'd want to go through again!

lynzpower

Greenmachine wrote: »

:rotfl:Unfortunately annecdotes don't count as evidence!

I don't think its weird for a scientist to feel sick at the thought of being pregnant- even scientists have fears; a colleague of mine does work on fruit flies and it terrified of blue bottles! Even scientists have fears! Also, I have experienced being pregnant and it is not something I'd want to go through again!

Actually they do, if you work in qualitative research like I did :beer::beer:

Alikay

Greenmachine wrote: »

We have talked and I have said that if I had a kid because he wanted it, I would be very uninvolved

Then you should NEVER have children. Behaving and feeling like that would do a child untold damage. Hopefully as well as scientific knowledge you also have some idea of human emotional needs and arrange a swift tubal ligation to make sure you never bring a resented child into the world to suffer various attachment-related disorders.

Greenmachine_3

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Seriously though do you think he really means it or is it just a whim or a sort of bone to pick at.....

Yeah it could be a whim! We have spent a lot of time with other people's kids recently and I think he has thought 'this isn't so bad'.

However, during that time he hasn't changed a nappy, or had to get up at 3am, or feed them that horrible looking mush food.....

Even now, though, he hasn't said that he definately wants them, just that he's not 100% sure he doesn't!

Pee

Greenmachine wrote: »

He doesn't feel strongly that he wants them. His words were something like this: 'I'm not 100% that I definately wouldn't want kids, if you either wanted them or were undecided'.

And I think that is very different from him saying that he definately wants them!

No, he doesn't feel strongly now. He may of course feel strongly in the future, or he may not. It's impossible to predict.

Greenmachine_3

Alikay wrote: »

Then you should NEVER have children. Behaving and feeling like that would do a child untold damage. Hopefully as well as scientific knowledge you also have some idea of human emotional needs and arrange a swift tubal ligation to make sure you never bring a resented child into the world to suffer various attachment-related disorders.

Okay! Maybe the word 'uninvolved' was a bit, you know!

What I mean was that I was brought up in a house where by dad never got involved with childcare- he never changed a nappy or got up in the night etc. Its not really seen as too much of a problem when men do this and my dad was great and I loved him to bits!

I guess this is the kind of role I'd want to take and what I meant by 'uninvolved'.

Greenmachine_3

lynzpower wrote: »

Actually they do, if you work in qualitative research like I did :beer::beer:

HA! Qualitative research! :rolleyes:

I'm a hardcore wet lab researcher!

(And that isn't me talking dirty!)

MrsTinks

lynzpower wrote: »

thisis exactly why you should not even consider parenting,this is one of the most dysfunctional things Ive ever read on here!! :rotfl:

hear hear lynz! I sincerely hope that unless you grow up then you never have children... and hopefully your other half if he does want children will have the good sense NOT to have them with you! How anyone could be THAT selfish is beyond me! Not to mention irresponsible! And you call yourself a scientist? Troll would be more likely! Sorry but saying you'd ditch the child with no second thought like that is patheitic and makes me extreemly angry... Can I suggest you go and show that comment to a doctor and ask they allow you to have your ideal scenario of being sterilised?

Greenmachine wrote: »

:rotfl:Unfortunately annecdotes don't count as evidence!

ANECDOTE - "a short amusing account of an incident" - what exactly do you find amusing about someone telling you about the real urges they have felt? Look up the meaning of a word before you use it

Greenmachine wrote: »

Also, I have experienced being pregnant and it is not something I'd want to go through again!

All due respect - you have experienced 12 weeks of pregnancy - the first 4 you won't have felt much and then sadly you had a miscarriage (I assume you didn't abort the child?) which is no doubt a horrible experience and for which I feel a little sorry for you - although in the interests of the child maybe it was for the best...
When you have carried a child 9 months THEN you can come on here and tell us you have experienced being pregnant...

MrsTinks

Greenmachine wrote: »

What I mean was that I was brought up in a house where by dad never got involved with childcare- he never changed a nappy or got up in the night etc. Its not really seen as too much of a problem when men do this and my dad was great and I loved him to bits!

I guess this is the kind of role I'd want to take and what I meant by 'uninvolved'.

Who says it's ok for men???? I certainly don't!

My husband gets up in the night, he changes nappies, he deals with the sick and he plays with his daughter - exactly the same as me. The only thing he doesn't is breastfeed her for obvious reasons - so he feeds her bottles of expressed breast milk - I would certainly not for one second let him think that being "uninvolved" was ok!