Need some advice

Greenmachine_3

richardw wrote: »

But you are assuming he will stay with you, he's only 23, things may change.

Right okay. And why would I assume that he won't? We've been together for 4 years which is longer than quite a lot of marriages last today!!

MrsTinks

Green - the first 12 weeks are the worst And like others I was petrified of the birth but by the time you get that far you just want the baby out LOL
At 12 weeks you never got to feel the most amazing and weird feeling of having a baby moving inside you - it might sound weird but it's weird in a wonderful way

Anywho I'm not trying to sell pregnancy to you here... Ultimately then you might find he leaves you if he ends up wanting kids - men can get as broody as women and at 23 you're both still very young - I had Alexandra this year as I wanted to start our family before I turned 30 - I'll be 30 in November
DH is 34. At 23 much as I went through a phase of wanting kids then I was certainly looking back not at a point where having them was a good idea... You can only live for the moment but yes be prepared that the two of you might end up wanting different things from life and if neither of you change your minds then you will end up going your different ways more likely than not...

lynzpower

Greenmachine wrote: »

Hi all and thanks for your comments.

I understand your points about not thinking of other people's kids in the way that you think of your own. But its not that other people's kids irritate me etc, I literally can't stand them! Also, the idea of being pregnant, giving birth or having a C-section makes me feel really ill.

Also, I think my comments about the holiday home are being misread!! I don't mean its a choice between me and the holiday home or kids! I was just using that as an example! But I do see it as the choice between the life that we have planned together for ages or a life that I completely don't want.

Londoner1998- We are not putting any plans into action yet at all! We have both said that we wouldn't even start thinking about it until we are both at least 34!

I think I am building this up in my head bigger than what it is! But I am just so worried that he will end up resenting me because I don't want to have kids.

Everyone will tell you that youll change your mind. I was ---- this cose to getting sterilised at your age, found a dr who would OK it. then i backed out life just got inthe way and its not that important if you use relaiable family planning. I have changed my mind, but then again you may not. There are plenty of women that dont. And thats fine too.

Your OH will resent you if you battle over this,. He needs to be upfront and you need to be able to hear it. . If youare never going tochange your mind- or you certainly believe you will never change your mind, - then you have to do the decent thing and let him go and find someone he can start a family with. The thing is over time, you wont be able to parent ( after the menopause) whereas he can keep procreating till the day he falls of his perch! So I would worry in your shoes he would leave you for a younger model who can have kids and isnt mental from he menopause etc:rotfl::rotfl:. I know thats harsh ina way, but you really ahve to consider it. If you dont want to and he does, then he WILL want to. You should definately NOT compromise and have kids f you dont want to, to keep your man, after all there are enough children raised in this country that are unwanted.

Do you think you can put off this decision til you are 34? Really? because what if you get to 34 and you cant have children ( there is a real risk of this to me, im 32 this year and we need to get on with it, or theres a real chance it wont happen) but then im in a committed relationship and our goals are the same, we want the same thing.

You have to wonder how realistic your plans are anyway- unless you are both SE, i cant see how you could have RTW trps every year or two.But you are young and idealistic- certainly no job I have had lets me take more than a few weeks unpaid in addition to my AL allowance- do your careers allow for that? . Having all that might not be fulfilling in the long run- after our last holiday I said Im not doing it again we went to malaysia and had a poo time!

angelicmary85

Hi Greenmachine,

I started to feel broody shortly after my 21st birthday...I was pregnant just a few months later because the pangs were too great for me to resist!! My daughter is 19months old now and my son is 9weeks and I wouldn't have my life any other way.

Babies don't have to be expensive, it's the parents who choose what to buy and from where so having a baby doesn't have to break the bank.

Don't get me wrong though, having kids is draining - not only on your body but can be draining on your relationship if your bundle of joy won't stop crying and you end up sniping at each other because you're both tired but if your OH wants to have kids and you don't, that may cause problems aswel at some point in the future.

Good Luck with whatever you decide to do.

MrsTinks

Greenmachine wrote: »

Right okay. And why would I assume that he won't? We've been together for 4 years which is longer than quite a lot of marriages last today!!

Because things happen - if his desire to have kids gets stronger and yours to NOT have kids does the same then chances are he WILL end up looking for someone wanting kids as much as he does - unless you have felt that "pull" to have children you cannot understand how strong it is and how you would be prepared to give up a LOT to fulfill it...
Then again I'd been with my now ex for about 4 years too at that age and guess what? Despite the house and mortgage we ended up splitting up (ok - actually he dumped me a few months before our wedding but who's counting right?) and it came out of the blue...

You never know what is round the corner - I certainly didn't expect my ex to ditch me like that... None of us have crystal balls to read the future at the end of the day

4Moneysaver

Hi Greenmachine, I'm 47. I never wanted children, I went through one marriage and one long term relationship and still didn't want children. I had to have a hysterectomy 7 years ago for medical reasonas and was on my own and quite happy being single after that. Then I met my partner and would give anything to be able to have a child with him. Please don't make any long term decisions just yet, enjoy what you have but keep an open mind about your future as far as children go. In the meantime I wish you many, many years of happiness together.

Pee

If he feels strongly that he wants children and is sure that you do not, there is a reasonable possibility that he will leave you. He may not feel like this at the moment and he may not feel like it in the future.

Greenmachine_3

MrsTine wrote: »

You can only live for the moment but yes be prepared that the two of you might end up wanting different things from life and if neither of you change your minds then you will end up going your different ways more likely than not...

But he really is my whole life. I have no-one else in the world that I care about and it would kill me to lose him.

If it got to this point, I would change my mind and have a kid to keep him. Yes, I know what you are going to say but I would!

Alikay

If you're vehemently against having children ever and certain it'll always be so, it's highly likely you'll have problems unless you're with someone who feels the same.

It sounds like you talk about the future a fair bit and that you both express yourselves and your dreams well, so I wouldn't worry about him resenting you....I think if he maybe would like kids he'll work out for himself that he needs to be with someone who'd like them too....or at least someone with less defined plans for a life without them.

Having kids isn't just about a few years with ankle-biters around....it's about a whole different focus on your lives right up to the end - adult children, maybe grandchildren and so on. There just isn't a compromise..so although you're young, I think you're right to talk about it rather than hope you'll change your view in 10 years or so.

Greenmachine_3

Pee wrote: »

If he feels strongly that he wants children and is sure that you do not, there is a reasonable possibility that he will leave you. He may not feel like this at the moment and he may not feel like it in the future.

He doesn't feel strongly that he wants them. His words were something like this: 'I'm not 100% that I definately wouldn't want kids, if you either wanted them or were undecided'.

And I think that is very different from him saying that he definately wants them!