Need some advice

sfry

[FONT=&quot]I note that in the original post the OP specifically asked people not to say that she would change her mind. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]OP, I too always knew that I never wanted children right from the time I was small myself. As I grew up everyone said “oh you’ll change your mind, it’s different when it’s your own. I ignored them and married a man who didn’t want children either. We didn’t like or want them and built a good life and a sound relationship.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Guess what, time went by and as I got older I never once had a tick of my biological clock and remained thoroughly grateful that I had never had babies, it was absolutely and incontrovertibly the right decision. Not every woman panics when she gets older.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]This could be a deal breaker in your relationship and I am sorry you may have to face this.[/FONT]

Greenmachine_3

sfry wrote: »

[FONT=&quot]I note that in the original post the OP specifically asked people not to say that she would change her mind. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]OP, I too always knew that I never wanted children right from the time I was small myself. As I grew up everyone said “oh you’ll change your mind, it’s different when it’s your own. I ignored them and married a man who didn’t want children either. We didn’t like or want them and built a good life and a sound relationship.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Guess what, time went by and as I got older I never once had a tick of my biological clock and remained thoroughly grateful that I had never had babies, it was absolutely and incontrovertibly the right decision. Not every woman panics when she gets older.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]This could be a deal breaker in your relationship and I am sorry you may have to face this.[/FONT]

Thank you sfry! It is very irritating when people tell me that I will change my mind, as if I don't know my own mind or have any control over my body or emotions. Also, people wouldn't say that I will change my mind if I said 'I definately want to have children'!

My OH and I are both scientists and don't buy into the idea of 'urges' to have children.

Louba

I'm not sure how helpful this is but I think the main thing you need to do is keep talking about what your expectations are in an informal way. People's expectations do change over time because of the things they experience and the couples that get through it are the ones who keep talking and are prepared to be flexible, supportive and considerate of the other person. This is even more important when you have been together from a relatively young age as it is very easy to take each other for granted - not saying you do or would do just my experience - (engaged at 19, married at 25, divorced at 32 and now in a relationship with a lovely man who talks rather than shouts unlike my ex!). Whether you will or won't have children is a really big decision but also only one of the big decisions that you're going to have to make together. You're right to be thinking about it but unless he's saying that he can't continue unless you say you want to have kids (which it counds like he's not) then you just need to keep talking and roll with it for a bit. Hope this doesn't sound preachy or like a pat on the head! Good luck.

Greenmachine_3

Louba wrote: »

I'm not sure how helpful this is but I think the main thing you need to do is keep talking about what your expectations are in an informal way. People's expectations do change over time because of the things they experience and the couples that get through it are the ones who keep talking and are prepared to be flexible, supportive and considerate of the other person. This is even more important when you have been together from a relatively young age as it is very easy to take each other for granted - not saying you do or would do just my experience - (engaged at 19, married at 25, divorced at 32 and now in a relationship with a lovely man who talks rather than shouts unlike my ex!). Whether you will or won't have children is a really big decision but also only one of the big decisions that you're going to have to make together. You're right to be thinking about it but unless he's saying that he can't continue unless you say you want to have kids (which it counds like he's not) then you just need to keep talking and roll with it for a bit. Hope this doesn't sound preachy or like a pat on the head! Good luck.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:Thanks for the pat on the head! No, I'm joking!

Thank you! We are both very open with each other and we always talk about what we want from the future and I think it is good that we are being open about children from now so that we won't have any nasty suprise conversations in 10-15 years!!

Has hasn't delivered any sort of ultimatum, we just started chatting about it but it has been on my mind ever since! He thinks I am blowing it out of all proportion, which I probably am!

MrsTinks

Greenmachine wrote: »

Thank you sfry! It is very irritating when people tell me that I will change my mind, as if I don't know my own mind or have any control over my body or emotions. Also, people wouldn't say that I will change my mind if I said 'I definately want to have children'!

My OH and I are both scientists and don't buy into the idea of 'urges' to have children.

Then - no offence - you have a lot to learn... ever heard of hormones and their effects on the brain? :rolleyes:

And no - you have no control over your emotions - you can control your external reaction to them, you cannot control how you actually feel.

If you come on a forum and ask for oppinions then you will get them - if you don't want to hear what other people think then don't ask the question on an open forum... :rolleyes:

MrsTinks

As for the "I'd die if I didn't have him and I'd have kids if it meant keeping him"... Oh boy do you sound like me when I was young and naive... if he wants kids enough to want to leave you then you certainly shouldn't be having kids just to keep him happy! You have kids because BOTH partners in a relationship wants them... what kind of mother do you think you'd be to the poor child if you DIDN'T want it but did it just to keep your OH? What would you do if he THEN left you?

You're not going to like this but:

You are very obviously still young and a little naive - you can be scientists of world class but that doesn't mean you aren't naive about relationships and life...

Greenmachine_3

Atomised wrote: »

I've never felt broody and i'm now 30 , I also come from a family with with a lot of people who haven't had children.

I disagree with your assertion that people don't feel an urge to have children as they obviously do. The sad thing is the amount of people who have children because it is expected of them.
I also think that a man aged 23 is unlikely to still be with the same partner a decade later (call me cynical) especially in this day and age were people are in and out of relationships with remarkable speed.

I do think that this issue should be discussed soon as it is obvious that your boyf wants children at some point and you will have to choose-please him or stay true to yourself.

Based on what scientific evidence?

Yes, you are cyncial! You know nothing about my OH or I, thus, your judgement that he won't be with the same partner in a decade is fundamentally flawed.

MrsTine wrote: »

Then - no offence - you have a lot to learn... ever heard of hormones and their effects on the brain? :rolleyes:

And no - you have no control over your emotions - you can control your external reaction to them, you cannot control how you actually feel.

If you come on a forum and ask for oppinions then you will get them - if you don't want to hear what other people think then don't ask the question on an open forum... :rolleyes:

On an open forum, I can also respond to people's opinions by offering my own.

Greenmachine_3

MrsTine wrote: »

As for the "I'd die if I didn't have him and I'd have kids if it meant keeping him"... Oh boy do you sound like me when I was young and naive... if he wants kids enough to want to leave you then you certainly shouldn't be having kids just to keep him happy! You have kids because BOTH partners in a relationship wants them... what kind of mother do you think you'd be to the poor child if you DIDN'T want it but did it just to keep your OH? What would you do if he THEN left you?

You're not going to like this but:

You are very obviously still young and a little naive - you can be scientists of world class but that doesn't mean you aren't naive about relationships and life...

We have talked and I have said that if I had a kid because he wanted it, I would be very uninvolved. If he then left me, he can take said kid with him!

I wasn't meaning that we are both world class scientists vis-a-vis relationships. I was bringing up our science training to back up my assertion that I disagree with the notion of having 'urges' to have children.

lynzpower

Based on what scientific evidence?

You might work inscience, I dont

I know what my urges are, they are real to me. i have felt the tug.

I remember being so young like you, I hadnt felt them either, so I pretended - like you they didnt exist.

I dont think you should be encouraged to have children you dont want, after all, clearly they dont suit you, the idea of pregnancy "makes you sick" ( weird for a scientist!!) and yu "hate" children.

I dont think with these thoughts parenting is for you so im surprised to see so many MSErs almost rooting for you to change your mind! Parenting is leaving your self at the door for the next 20+ years, you come not just second, but potentially last.

You have to want that, and you dont.

lynzpower

We have talked and I have said that if I had a kid because he wanted it, I would be very uninvolved. If he then left me, he can take said kid with him!

thisis exactly why you should not even consider parenting,this is one of the most dysfunctional things Ive ever read on here!! :rotfl: