advice welcome - cheating other half or just fun?

kpey

I think the point of mentioning the book (although the film is not relevant), is that this book is aimed at women in just her situation.

Regardless of all the discussion about the book, I think we would all agree that the OP deserves to be with someone who doesn't make her even doubt for a second what is actually going on between them. And also, deserves to be with someone that doesn't think it's alright to be sending messages arranging drinks with someone else.

OP, maybe you shouldn't have checked, but if you hadn't had "the feeling" and had a nose you would not have found out what you did.

I don't think a guy that is arranging to meet another woman can be that committed to you. If he wanted to be with you, and you only, then he wouldn't be doing it. And if you want a man that is going to be with you, and you only, and not keeping his options open, then you should move on.

What have you decided to do are you going to ask him about the messages? Hope you are ok and sorry about us all discussing the book - it's just so relevant to exactly the questions you have asked.

hieveryone

Yeh, apologies OP for the distraction - the book really does make you feel empowered though and you actually start looking at all your friends relationships and going 'she shouldn't be putting up with that...'

Anyway OP, any updates?

Gavin83

Dinah93 wrote: »

I wouldn't be in a relationship where it wasn't! I regularly have need to get info from an email in OHs account, or him from mine, no 'is it okay I log on there' first, we just do it, thats called trust. If you can't share an email password how on earth are you going to share finances?!

I actually don't think theres a problem with a partner reading another partners emails as such, I let my girlfriend look through my phone if she asked to. However, it does work two ways. You should trust your partner enough to allow them private emails, in the sense that they are actually private and not regularly checked by you. I guess this is a relationship choice and no way is the right way as such, both are perfectly viable. Personally I wouldn't have a problem with my girlfriend checking anything of mine as long as she asked first, if I just caught her snooping I'd be a bit upset.

Besides, surely if you knew your partner read your emails and you were planning to cheat you'd just find another medium to communicate though, I really don't think it makes a difference to trust. It's probably the reason a lot of cheating partners have a secret second phone.

And Im also of the belief that partners shouldn't share finances, but theres already another current thread covering this.

financegirl wrote: »

re: last statement - i mean if a woman chases a man, and asks him out and makes herself available to him by making that crucial first move, will he really in the long term, appreciate her and value her.

it's human nature that we appreciate and value something we have chased and worked for - we then feel pleased that we have 'earnt out prize'.

I know ppl will be saying it's not fair, women should be allowed to ask out men etc - yep go for it, but men and women are different - most men have that competitive/hunter/cave man streak, which is why they love sports - it's a physical challenge for them.

Men like to chase - sorry but that's my view. This from book sums it up

Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We (men) like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do.

re: men that ask everything in sight are desperate and any smart woman will be aware of that.

I'll be honest, I have a problem with a lot of your posts financegirl. I do agree with you that a man or woman should have in their mind what they expect from a relationship and they really shouldn't accept anything less. I guess you could interpret these as rules and while I could tell we wouldn't be compatible from the rules you written I respect that you can request what you want from a potential relationship, fair enough.

What I do have a problem with is your view that the man has to ask the woman out and a woman under no circumstances should ask a man out. It seems like your suggesting that men like to chase and if a woman chases a man then he'll never respect her. I really fail to see this as true. If a man is going to respect his girlfriend then whoever did the chasing really makes little difference, once he's 'got her', so to speak your in the same situation and it doesn't make a blind bit of difference. The other alternative is for the woman to constantly stay just out of reach and too hard to get but even the most die hard man will get bored of this situation eventually. I really feel like you've been reading to many female self help novels and actually become a bit sexist because of it.

Women who feel like they're doing the man a favour by going out with him really rub me up the wrong way and it feels like you fall into this camp. You speak of the man respecting the woman he is taking out, what would you do in return to respect the man?

Gavin83

financegirl wrote: »

Volcano wrote: »

"If you really loved me, you WOULDN'T ask me to marry you and have kids" is equally as valid - fact.

you're wrong - fact

Why exactly?

I can appreciate the marriage bit, volcano covered that nicely.

However, in terms of having children, why is this statement any less valid than the one you made?

I do agree that a couple who have opposite views with children won't work in the long run, but I'd like to see why you feel that someone asking their partner not to have children is any worse than a partner refusing to have children.

chriszzz

spender£ wrote: »

i'm really really confused and dont know what to do. I have been seeing my other half for a couple of years off and on (moved abroad for a bit inbetween). he has always been fairly honest about how coming out of a long marriage has meant he is not sure he wants to settle down and promise me babies at the moment. but we figured its not that pressing and see what happens. after returning home to the Uk we started seeing each other again, it happened slowly so we never had the "well is this it - we're gonna run off into the sunset and be exclusive" but he knows me and knows what i want and knows that i wouldn't accept an open relationship. this started end of Jan.
the last couple of months things seem to have been moving forward, we now speak every day on the phone (we live far apart) see each other much more, and been away for weekends and meant to be going on summer holiday in a couple of weeks abroad. and he has stopped talking about fear of relationships and started talking of the future, no promises but more of " chil lets go with the flow see where we get to kind of thing.

Now please dont bother writing back that i shouldn't have done this, i know. but i just randomly tried out an old password he told me on his fb account. i've known this password for years and never hacked into anything before. I honestly dont know why i did it - things seem to be going well, no reason to expect otherwise

Of course, i didn't find what i liked. :eek: he basically went speed dating on his own back in the begining of the year. when we were meant to be together, albeit not as close as we are now and initiated contact with this woman in the vein of wanting something to happen. ie no mention of me, mentioning how he liked her etc. from what i can tell they haven't met up, but the mailing has continued up until this day. nothing dirty. last few weren't even flirty, but he is still suggesting they meet for a drink.

Now - should i kick him to the curb, should i see what happens, am i being a mug:rotfl:

thing that really hurts is that we have been friends and known each other for 4/5 years and i would NEVER expect him to be capable of this. But in these emails he almost seems like a different person....

If he cant commit now and is speed dating, inviting another woman to go for a drink. I think that would be enuf for me to say goodbye . Although he hasnt done nothing wrong yet!! Its not the sort of thing a person would be doing if they were happy within there relationship, turn the situation around would he be happy to find out that you were speed dating and ready to go for a drink with another fella?? :rolleyes: The fact that you shouldnt have been lookin on his fb has now put you in a dilema, which you could say.. that it has saved you alot of heartache in the future. Just because you have known him for 4/5 yrs doesnt mean you really know him, ppl split up after 25yrs thinking there partner was not capable, were all capable!!. Best of look with your decisions!!

chriszzz
chris

belfastgirl23

Gavin83 wrote: »

I actually don't think theres a problem with a partner reading another partners emails as such, I let my girlfriend look through my phone if she asked to. However, it does work two ways. You should trust your partner enough to allow them private emails, in the sense that they are actually private and not regularly checked by you. I guess this is a relationship choice and no way is the right way as such, both are perfectly viable. Personally I wouldn't have a problem with my girlfriend checking anything of mine as long as she asked first, if I just caught her snooping I'd be a bit upset.

Besides, surely if you knew your partner read your emails and you were planning to cheat you'd just find another medium to communicate though, I really don't think it makes a difference to trust. It's probably the reason a lot of cheating partners have a secret second phone.

And Im also of the belief that partners shouldn't share finances, but theres already another current thread covering this.




I'll be honest, I have a problem with a lot of your posts financegirl. I do agree with you that a man or woman should have in their mind what they expect from a relationship and they really shouldn't accept anything less. I guess you could interpret these as rules and while I could tell we wouldn't be compatible from the rules you written I respect that you can request what you want from a potential relationship, fair enough.

What I do have a problem with is your view that the man has to ask the woman out and a woman under no circumstances should ask a man out. It seems like your suggesting that men like to chase and if a woman chases a man then he'll never respect her. I really fail to see this as true. If a man is going to respect his girlfriend then whoever did the chasing really makes little difference, once he's 'got her', so to speak your in the same situation and it doesn't make a blind bit of difference. The other alternative is for the woman to constantly stay just out of reach and too hard to get but even the most die hard man will get bored of this situation eventually. I really feel like you've been reading to many female self help novels and actually become a bit sexist because of it.

Women who feel like they're doing the man a favour by going out with him really rub me up the wrong way and it feels like you fall into this camp. You speak of the man respecting the woman he is taking out, what would you do in return to respect the man?

I asked DH out 20 years ago if I was waiting for him to do the asking I'd still be waiting.

financegirl

Gavin83 wrote: »

I let my girlfriend look through my phone if she asked to.

Why on earth would she have to ask you?- You either go through it innocently in front of partner like getting a number to call - ie. friend/mum/ takeaway/. Or it's the other kind 'when you just know' that u are going to find something - call it intuition, gut feeling, whatever. I bet u 90% of ppl reading this have gone through partners phone at some point, innocent or not. What u hiding that means she has to ask to go through it?

Gavin83 wrote: »

And Im also of the belief that partners shouldn't share finances, but theres already another current thread covering this.

I take it you're joking right? How mean are u? Seriously, this one has to be joke? It's not an equal partnership then.

Gavin83 wrote: »

What I do have a problem with is your view that the man has to ask the woman out and a woman under no circumstances should ask a man out.

I believe that in 99.9% of cases the best r/ships are the ones where the men has chased. It's the way men are wired Gavin - surely being a man, u should know this, do u not respect something more in life, you have earnt?

Gavin83 wrote: »

Women who feel like they're doing the man a favour by going out with him really rub me up the wrong way and it feels like you fall into this camp. You speak of the man respecting the woman he is taking out, what would you do in return to respect the man.

I wouldn't go out with anyone 'for a favour' - u'd have to be pretty sad to date someone to go out with because it does them a favour.
I'd go out with him, because he asked me, I'm attracted to him and like the qualities he has displayed.

Gavin83 wrote: »

You speak of the man respecting the woman he is taking out, what would you do in return to respect the man

I would respect the man, just like I would respect anyone that has characteristics I consider worthy of respect, for me that is kindness, morals, beliefs, strenth of soul, personality etc - and let's be honest a physical attraction helps, but i would and have respected many people I haven't felt a physical attraction to.

Gavin83

Firstly Im sorry if I was a bit aggressive earlier, I'd had a bad day at work. I'd appreciate it if you could answer my earlier smaller post though.

financegirl wrote: »

Why on earth would she have to ask you?- You either go through it innocently in front of partner like getting a number to call - ie. friend/mum/ takeaway/. Or it's the other kind 'when you just know' that u are going to find something - call it intuition, gut feeling, whatever. I bet u 90% of ppl reading this have gone through partners phone at some point, innocent or not. What u hiding that means she has to ask to go through it?

It's not a matter of what I have to hide, it's just a matter of politeness. If I want to borrow something, or look through something etc, I'd always ask if I could first of all. If I just picked up her phone and started looking through it I just feel like I'd look extremely rude.

Besides, her asking first doesn't make a difference to my guilt anyway. It's not like I'd tell her she couldn't or go and delete any suspicious messages first, I'd just let her know it's fine and hand it over. Even if she wanted to get a number from my phone I'd appreciate it if she said 'can I borrow your phone?' and I'd do the same in return. I find it hard to establish how people don't see this as reasonable basic manners.

It's not an issue anyway because my girlfriend doesn't go through my phone. She trusts me enough not to have to and in the same way I don't feel the need to go through hers either. We also don't know each others email passwords, I don't really see why you would need to.

financegirl wrote: »

I take it you're joking right? How mean are u? Seriously, this one has to be joke? It's not an equal partnership then.

Im being completely serious. I feel the best way is to have a joint account for bills/rent etc and then keep the rest of your own money for your own personal use. A lot of people operate their finances in this way and I don't really see how this is worse than any other option.

I really don't see how it's mean either. My girlfriend earns more than me for a start so I'd actually be better off if we did share our finances. The only point I really think you should share your finances is if one partner is out of work for whatever reason, be is redunancy, looking after the children, etc...

If you'd like to tell me what's wrong with my relationship though go ahead, Im all ears.

financegirl wrote: »

I believe that in 99.9% of cases the best r/ships are the ones where the men has chased. It's the way men are wired Gavin - surely being a man, u should know this, do u not respect something more in life, you have earnt?

I think you've been reading too many books. Did that 'he's just not that into you?' book teach you this? I really don't believe it makes a difference who does the chasing, if a man doesn't like his girlfriend then he won't be with her, simple. A man isn't going to lose respect for a woman just because she approached him. Im sure there are plenty of successful relationships on here where the woman did the chasing, infact my girlfriend came after me and I really don't respect her any less because of it.

Men aren't 'wired' in any particular way either, everyone is individual. Out of interest how do you feel women are wired?

financegirl wrote: »

I would respect the man, just like I would respect anyone that has characteristics I consider worthy of respect, for me that is kindness, morals, beliefs, strenth of soul, personality etc - and let's be honest a physical attraction helps, but i would and have respected many people I haven't felt a physical attraction to.

Ok, fair enough. You've said a man needs to ask you out, pay for the date and call you back though. What physical respect would you give in return?

JoeyG

financegirl wrote: »

I take it you're joking right? How mean are u? Seriously, this one has to be joke? It's not an equal partnership then.

I believe that in 99.9% of cases the best r/ships are the ones where the men has chased. It's the way men are wired Gavin - surely being a man, u should know this, do u not respect something more in life, you have earnt?

:rotfl:sorry, did someone mention 'equal partnerships'?

Oh and men are only 'wired' to do the chasing because they are 'wired' to sow their seeds and move on... luckily things have changed a bit since we stopped living in trees.

financegirl

Hi Gavin,

I'm more than happy to answer the questions, you've asked me to.
However, I think after this we should agree to disagree, after completly hijacking this thread. OP - apologies. My answers are in bold.

[QUOTE=Gavin83;23583715
I do agree that a couple who have opposite views with children won't work in the long run, but I'd like to see why you feel that someone asking their partner not to have children is any worse than a partner refusing to have children.[/QUOTE]

I think not having children for women is a 'deal breaker'. I think if a man asked a woman not to have kids, this in most cases would result in the woman leaving him - for me having children and a family unit with someone who wanted them, would be more important than staying with someone who didn't want them, and accepting that I would never have a family.


[QUOTE=Gavin83;23583715
The only point I really think you should share your finances is if one partner is out of work for whatever reason, be is redunancy, looking after the children, etc....[/QUOTE]

I think this is appalling. I think you should share finances, if a guy was that tight he wouldn't be worth dating.

[QUOTE=Gavin83;23583715
If you'd like to tell me what's wrong with my relationship though go ahead, Im all ears.....[/QUOTE]

I don't know anything about you, so wouldn't dream of it - I'm commenting on men and women in general. I'm sure whatever you do in your relationship, works perfectly well for both of you, otherwise you wouldn't be in it.

[QUOTE=Gavin83;23583715
Men aren't 'wired' in any particular way either, everyone is individual. Out of interest how do you feel women are wired?.....[/QUOTE]

As I've said before, do feel that the majority of men do have a more competitive, hunterish streak than women. I think women are more of nest builders. I for e.g would be extremely turned off if a guy couldn't put up a shelf or fix my car, and likewise would be rather freaked out if I came home and found him sewing a button on my shirt or making curtains.

[QUOTE=Gavin83;23583715
You've said a man needs to ask you out, pay for the date and call you back though. What physical respect would you give in return? ?[/QUOTE]

Of course he should. i wouldn't give him a call, pick him up in my car, arrange the date, pay for it, and then phone him the next day to see how he is - how very strange. I think his masculinity may be rather threatened by that. In terms of your point about physical respect - don't know what you mean. Just because I don't feel a physical attraction towards someone doesn't mean I have less respect or like them less as a person. I just would think nice guy, good person but there's no spark and that would be the end of it.