advice welcome - cheating other half or just fun?

louise3965

I think you know the answer to the question *does he want to spend the rest of his life with me?* Sometimes it easy to kid yourself, but you deserve a man who loves you totally and from what you've said, this chap isn't it.

woody01

Sorry, but there are many different opinions here but most are from women.

Women and men see these situations VERY differently remember.
I tried to give a male perspective on it.

kpey

Financegirl - love that someone else recommended the same book I did. Really think the OP should get this! Have you read the other book? Looking from a man's perspective is very eye opening isn't it?

spender£ - Talking and being honest might help sort things out - do you really love this guy though? I just think, when two people love each other, do you really get in this bumbling along situation where you don't even know where you stand?

I do have a tendency to think in black and white, but when it comes to this, I think you are either with someone or not (aside from people who have "open" relationships - but that's not this is it)

I hope you sort it out one way or the other, then you can move on (with or without him) xx

erichamster

Volcano wrote: »

"If you really loved me, you WOULDN'T ask me to marry you and have kids" is equally as valid - fact.

Why if you loved someone wouldn't you want to marry them? Even if it meant nothing to you and wasn't important, but it meant everything to them, why wouldn't you put yourself through a slightly uncomfortable day that wasn't really your thing for the one you love, when its really important to them, thats incredibly selfish and doesn't make any sense.

I can agree about the kids point as that is far more life altering than getting married, but realistically if two people who have completely polarised views about children are together and in love, neither is ever going to be truly happy and without resentment so the relationships not a good one anyway.

Also why are people so precious about their emails? I don't check up on my boyfriend as I never feel the need but I often ask him to open emails/texts and read them to me if I'm busy or something, I don't have anything to hide so whats the problem? The only reason I can think of to be like that is if I was planning a surprise for him and so had something to hide (albeit a good thing), people with nothing to hide aren't that bothered surely?

Also tbh OP you obviously knew there was something wrong if you did check his facebook, which kind of gives you your answer, I don't think anyone should settle for this kind of quasi relationship.

financegirl

erichamster wrote: »

Why if you loved someone wouldn't you want to marry them? Even if it meant nothing to you and wasn't important, but it meant everything to them, why wouldn't you put yourself through a slightly uncomfortable day that wasn't really your thing for the one you love, when its really important to them, thats incredibly selfish and doesn't make any sense.

I can agree about the kids point as that is far more life altering than getting married, but realistically if two people who have completely polarised views about children are together and in love, neither is ever going to be truly happy and without resentment so the relationships not a good one anyway.

Also why are people so precious about their emails? I don't check up on my boyfriend as I never feel the need but I often ask him to open emails/texts and read them to me if I'm busy or something, I don't have anything to hide so whats the problem? The only reason I can think of to be like that is if I was planning a surprise for him and so had something to hide (albeit a good thing), people with nothing to hide aren't that bothered surely?

Also tbh OP you obviously knew there was something wrong if you did check his facebook, which kind of gives you your answer, I don't think anyone should settle for this kind of quasi relationship.

Bravo - you said this a lot better than I did - I've probably come cross as a complete and utter raving mad woman - trust me it's the knock on from reading He's Not Just That Into You!!

Dinah93

Gavin83 wrote: »

If your boyfriend/husband starting looking at your personal emails would you consider that to be acceptable then?

I wouldn't be in a relationship where it wasn't! I regularly have need to get info from an email in OHs account, or him from mine, no 'is it okay I log on there' first, we just do it, thats called trust. If you can't share an email password how on earth are you going to share finances?!

The fact that he is still emailing would be a big warning sign for me, if a man (or woman) is going elsewhere then he isn't getting what he wants/needs from his current relationship. Two options there depending on how much the person has broken the trust, work on it or leave him to be with someone who does forfill all his needs, and find someone else to forfill yours.

financegirl

[QUOTE=kpey;23545077]Financegirl - love that someone else recommended the same book I did. Really think the OP should get this! Have you read the other book? Looking from a man's perspective is very eye opening isn't it?QUOTE]

I saw the film with my girlfriend, cringed all the way home, then dumped someone - who guess what - Just wasn't that into me!!

He never wanted to go anywhere, just have sex at home, have me run around after him, let down dates, wouldn't call when he said he would, was mean with money, yet telling me he couldn't live without me:rotfl:

Anyway from now on I will never


1) Go out on a date with someone who hasn't asked me first - if he's into me, he will ask me out.

2) Go out again with someone who thinks it's ok to split the bill on the first date (b4 u lot start jumping out of your prams, it's not about the money, it's the issue of respect. I don't care if we go for a coffee and cake, it's the fact that he thinks I'm worth putting his hands in his pocket)

3) Not see someone who is too busy to call me, because he's had such a busy day, I just couldn't pick up the phone, text u, bullsh1T. If he can't honour what he says in the beginning and doesn't think enough of me to honour his word, lord there's no hope for the future.

4) Wants to keep hanging out and have all the benefits of a gf, while keeping the door open for other options- I'm not your drinking buddy!

5) Doesn't introduce to me things in his life, friends, flat, hobbies - I'm not a prostitute!!

6) Roll over and fall asleep after sex without a long cuddle!! (I made that last one up actually)

Right, rant over....

Dinah93

I know I'm a woman and therefore instantly seen as deranged and needy on the families board, but I actually think those rules ought to be written inside every pack of tampons, on the bottom of every tub of ice cream, and on the inside of every valentines card going. It works for men too. There are so many posters on these boards, women especially, who put so little value on themselves and are so desperate to make a square peg fit in a round hole, they put up with all kinds of crap, and if they took a step back they might see that they deserve better!

financegirl

WOMEN PLEASE PRINT THESE OUT AND READ


Cut your losses and don't waste your time . Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don't want to hear it? Fine. Here's the answer you're looking for, "Hang in there, baby. He's not the loser everybody's telling you he is. If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!" But please don't be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship.

He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.

Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We (men) like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do.

Don't let the "honeys" and the "babys" fool you. His sweet nothings are exactly that. They are much easier to say than "I'm just not that into you." Remember, actions speak louder than, "There's no cell reception where I am right now."

Calling when you say you're going to call is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house, baby. And it's cold outside.

He will always be able to play the "friend" card on you. He only has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the the far greater expectations of a boyfriend. He's got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to. He may be one of your closest friends, but I'm sorry to say ... as a boyfriend, he's just not that into you.

I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstarted to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me.

Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You're deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.

It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.

Hey girl. Put down the penis, put your clothes back on, and go directly to your best friend's house. Do not find an excuse to stay. Do not think that because of all the crazy hotness of it all, it now means that you're meant to be together. Yes, break up sex does seem like a good idea, because hey, it's nice to have sex with someone you have these dramatic feelings about. It makes it all, well, dramatic. But now you know. It confuses everything and makes you separate sex and emotions. So now you don't ever have to make that mistake again. Got it? He's into the very-bad-idea-that-masquerades-as-a-good-idea, breakup sex. Over and out.

He's sniffing for something better, and when he doesn't find it, he gets lonely and comes "home." It's not that he's so into you. It's that he's so not into being alone. Don't give him the chance to break up with you for the fourth time. (Even the idea of it sounds beneath you, doesn't it?) Reset your breakup maximum to one and move on.

Cut him off. Let him miss you.

He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great.

There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.

No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.

Being lonely ... being alone ... for many people ... sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it. But still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel !!!!!! or doesn't honor the person you are is worse.

Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.

You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time.

Volcano

financegirl wrote: »

Bravo - you said this a lot better than I did

I agree.

- I've probably come cross as a complete and utter raving mad woman -

Noooo!