advice welcome - cheating other half or just fun?

financegirl

spender£ wrote: »

Now please dont bother writing back that i shouldn't have done this, i know. but i just randomly tried out an old password he told me on his fb account. i've known this password for years and never hacked into anything before. I honestly dont know why i did it - things seem to be going well, no reason to expect otherwise


Don't feel guilty about this - your intuition told you to do this and your gut was proved right - he can't be trusted and deep down you know you can't trust him, otherwise you wouldn't do it...

He is quite frankly stringing you along, saying the right things to keep you happy - I've been there, i've heard it and I'm sad to say that it won't change.

If he really cared about you, he would do the things like you want, like get married and have kids.

Do you think men aim for marriage and kids like women do - of course not!
But, when they meet someone they really care about and love, they will do anything to make them happy and see a future with them that does involve marriage and kids.

I really, really hope you don't think I am being harsh, but I have had so many people, say wait for him, he might come around, oh I'm sure he will change and the truth was..HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO ME!!

Also, you deserve someone who wants the same goals you do - think of the life you can have with a wonderful husband who is proud to have you as his wife and is a fab father to your kids, rather than waiting for a complete idiot who still hasn't decided what he wants and whether you are to be part of this!!

Please buy Glamour mag and get the book - He's Just Not that into you- it's made me a different women, it's a harsh read, but hopefully like me, you would rather have an hour of uncomfortable reading and look forward to the rest of yor life being very comfortable!!

P.S When you do kick him to the kerb - if he REALLY believes that he has lost the best thing on earth - ie. you, he will move the earth to get back with you and be that father and husband you want - and if he doesn't, you havent lost anything, apart from a weight around your neck!!

IF THEY LOVE YOU, THEY WILL COME BACK AND YOU WILL BE TOGETHER - BE BRAVE AND END IT

Gavin83

financegirl wrote: »

Don't feel guilty about this - your intuition told you to do this and your gut was proved right - he can't be trusted and deep down you know you can't trust him, otherwise you wouldn't do it...

He is quite frankly stringing you along, saying the right things to keep you happy - I've been there, i've heard it and I'm sad to say that it won't change.

If he really cared about you, he would do the things like you want, like get married and have kids.

Do you think men aim for marriage and kids like women do - of course not!
But, when they meet someone they really care about and love, they will do anything to make them happy and see a future with them that does involve marriage and kids.

If your boyfriend/husband starting looking at your personal emails would you consider that to be acceptable then?

I also find the 'if he really cared about you, he'd do what you want' line really hard to swallow. Marriage and kids are both huge steps in life to take and neither partner should do it just because their partner wants to, it should be a decision taken once both parties want it.

Are you really suggesting a man should do things that he doesn't want to just to keep his partner happy? By your logic the woman would happily give up the notion of marriage and children if she really loved her boyfriend, it goes both ways really. Agreeing to do everything your partner wants isn't a test of love and I really couldn't be in a relationship like that.

And I disagree with you, a lot of men aim for marriage and kids, otherwise they'd be a lot less marriage and kids in this World. I know loads of men who want children.

Anyway, to the OP. There has clearly been a mix up as to what this arrangement is to you two. I really think you need to sit down with him, explain what you want from this 'relationship' and see if he is willing to give it to you. At least you'll be straight and can have some sort of direction for your future.

spender£

thanks for all your comments - its really interesting how many different views there are. i guessing having sat on this and thought about it (constantly!) over the last day or so and listening to what you and my friends have said - i am beginning to see that the problem is a wider one than the inital issue - it isn't necessarily - he went speed dating- but more why and what does that say about our relationship and is this a sign it is over, or is it something we can talk about, agree a way forward.

if it had happened now then i would def kick him to the curb asap, but as it happened when we were still gravitating back towards each other, i guess i would like to give him the opportunity to tell me why it happened and if he thinks what we have now means he would be okay with doing that kind of thing again. (in which case it is over as i dont want to be with someone who can do that)

maybe i am a total mug, but if/when i walk away i want to be more sure i am doing the right thing than i feel at the moment. i guess my mind will be made up when i have the conversation with him.

i have no idea what he will do or say when i speak to him, but i know i have got to try and remain calm and have an adult two way conversation rather than a screaming match and an axe through his head (which is what a little part of me wants to do!!)

spender£

by the way, no i am not proud of what i did and really wish i had never gone through his mail. ii wouldn't be in this mess now feeling so terrible. oh karma.

as for someone going through my mail. yes i would be fine my oh knowing my email passwords if we were serious. i would have nothing to hide.

financegirl

Gavin83 wrote: »

If your boyfriend/husband starting looking at your personal emails would you consider that to be acceptable then?

Of course, why would I mind, If I had nothing to hide. it would be a pretty pathetic relationship, if I wouldn't allow him to see the emails I had sent..

I also find the 'if he really cared about you, he'd do what you want' line really hard to swallow. Marriage and kids are both huge steps in life to take and neither partner should do it just because their partner wants to, it should be a decision taken once both parties want it.

Fair point, but if it's a deal breaker, then that person is not right for you. I wouldn't stay with someone if I wanted kids, and he wasn't sure, or couldn't decide..if he really loved me, he would want to marry me and have kids - fact.

Are you really suggesting a man should do things that he doesn't want to just to keep his partner happy? By your logic the woman would happily give up the notion of marriage and children if she really loved her boyfriend, it goes both ways really. Agreeing to do everything your partner wants isn't a test of love and I really couldn't be in a relationship like that.

No, not at all..I'm saying that it's a bigger priority for women than men, and I still stand by my point that if he really loved her, and she wanted them, he would do it. And to flip it, if the man really wanted something ,like to move somewhere, change career, if the women really loved him, she would support him in this.

And I disagree with you, a lot of men aim for marriage and kids, otherwise they'd be a lot less marriage and kids in this World. I know loads of men who want children.

They are not as bothered as women - I would say for many it's not so high on the life plan as women.

Volcano

spender£ wrote: »

if it had happened now then i would def kick him to the curb asap, but as it happened when we were still gravitating back towards each other, i guess i would like to give him the opportunity to tell me why it happened and if he thinks what we have now means he would be okay with doing that kind of thing again. (in which case it is over as i dont want to be with someone who can do that)

maybe i am a total mug, but if/when i walk away i want to be more sure i am doing the right thing than i feel at the moment. i guess my mind will be made up when i have the conversation with him.

i have no idea what he will do or say when i speak to him, but i know i have got to try and remain calm and have an adult two way conversation rather than a screaming match and an axe through his head (which is what a little part of me wants to do!!)

I hope you're not suggesting that you TELL him that you've looked at his FB account behind his back? Nobody here has said you should do that.

Either: Forget about the speed dating OR dump him.

Who wants to spend the rest of their life with someone who can't be trusted not to be spying on them all the time? There's absolutely no sense or reason to tell him.

Volcano

financegirl wrote: »

if he really loved me, he would want to marry me and have kids - fact.

"If you really loved me, you WOULDN'T ask me to marry you and have kids" is equally as valid - fact.

financegirl

Volcano wrote: »

"If you really loved me, you WOULDN'T ask me to marry you and have kids" is equally as valid - fact.

you're wrong - fact.

galvanizersbaby

financegirl wrote: »

Gavin83 wrote: »

If your boyfriend/husband starting looking at your personal emails would you consider that to be acceptable then?

Of course, why would I mind, If I had nothing to hide. it would be a pretty pathetic relationship, if I wouldn't allow him to see the emails I had sent..

I also find the 'if he really cared about you, he'd do what you want' line really hard to swallow. Marriage and kids are both huge steps in life to take and neither partner should do it just because their partner wants to, it should be a decision taken once both parties want it.

Fair point, but if it's a deal breaker, then that person is not right for you. I wouldn't stay with someone if I wanted kids, and he wasn't sure, or couldn't decide..if he really loved me, he would want to marry me and have kids - fact.

Are you really suggesting a man should do things that he doesn't want to just to keep his partner happy? By your logic the woman would happily give up the notion of marriage and children if she really loved her boyfriend, it goes both ways really. Agreeing to do everything your partner wants isn't a test of love and I really couldn't be in a relationship like that.

No, not at all..I'm saying that it's a bigger priority for women than men, and I still stand by my point that if he really loved her, and she wanted them, he would do it. And to flip it, if the man really wanted something ,like to move somewhere, change career, if the women really loved him, she would support him in this.

And I disagree with you, a lot of men aim for marriage and kids, otherwise they'd be a lot less marriage and kids in this World. I know loads of men who want children.

They are not as bothered as women - I would say for many it's not so high on the life plan as women.

I think you are many some big generalisations about men and women in general Financegirl

OP - it does sound as though are are both heading in slightly different directions at the minute - communication is definately what you need - good luck - I hope you get the outcome you desire

spender£

thanks. no i wasn't going to mention the fb thing. but there is a feasible way that i could have found out about the speed dating thing without looking at that. (long story)

i totally understand why people say dump him or ignore what went on. but i am not sure that the conversation we will have will be that useful if we dont talk about it and why it happened. i guess what i mean is, for me to stay with him i'll need to hear why it happened and why it wont happen now. coz if he can't do that then there is no point.

also i am not totally sure that i can contain the fact that i know - not even by saying but by how i act towards him if i am feeling suspicous and not trusting him. also my sanity. ideally i could forget but realistically????

rightly or wrongly, (in terms of whether you think he wasn't that bad for doing it, or totally bang out of order) my trust has been broken (in two ways, mine of his, and also me going through his stuff) and if we are to carry on then it needs to be repaired.

now i am babbling and dont know what the hell i am on about!!!!